Heart Broken

[snook]

Can somebody help me? I lost my Mom 4 1/2 years ago and my Dad 6 months ago and the feeling of the loss is getting worst as time goes on.

[MartyT]

My dear friend,

As one who’s lost both my parents too, I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of your mom and dad within the last five years, and my heart goes out to you. I applaud you for reaching out to find the comfort and support you need at this difficult time in your life, and I’ll offer what I can.

First, I note that your dad died just six months ago, and you’re finding that the feeling of loss seems to be getting worse. Actually it is not at all unusual that the pain of losing a loved one seems to intensify around the sixth-month mark after the death. This is known as “aftershock” – when some of the “down” feelings you’ve already experienced in grief come at you again several months after the death, or even after a year or more. Sometimes something acts as a trigger and catches you by surprise: a song, a place, a movie or a season, and it’s as if you’re confronted with the death for the first time, all over again. Painful emotions crash in upon you, and it feels as if you’re starting the entire grief process anew. Even if the strong feelings are not continuous, they can return at any time, whenever you are reminded of your loss. All of this can be quite frightening and confusing, especially if you expected your grief to have been resolved by now and you find instead that, if anything, your pain has intensified.

I want to assure you that what you’re feeling is normal and to be expected. You’re not losing ground, and whatever progress you’ve made so far is real. Over time you will discover that these aftershocks pass more quickly each time you experience them.

I encourage you to read some of the other messages posted here, in the Loss of a Parent forum, because I think you’ll find that what you are feeling is normal. Sometimes reading the accounts of others who are grieving reassures us that if others can survive the most devastating of losses, then somehow we will find a way to survive as well. Posting messages in these forums is also a wonderful way to connect with others and to discover that we are not as isolated in our journey as we may have thought. Grief is such hard work, and you ought not to be trying to do it all alone.

I don’t know how old you are or what sort of support you have around you from other relatives and friends. Since you obviously have access to the Internet, I hope that you've had an opportunity to explore in detail my Grief Healing Web site. If you haven't already done so, please spend some time on each of the pages there, especially my Links page. There I've included links to many other sites which may be useful to you as you search for the help you need. See especially the category labeled DEATH OF A PARENT. My site also contains a number of articles I've written on various aspects of grief (see my Articles and Books page) and many beautiful pieces written by others as well (see Comfort for Grieving Hearts).

Since I don't know what “in person” grief resources are available to you where you live, I suggest asking your primary care physician for a referral to someone who specializes in grief or bereavement counseling so you can get some help specifically related to having lost both your parents. You might try calling your local hospice or funeral home and asking for a referral, as well as for information about bereavement support groups in your community, which are usually offered at no cost. (Go to National Hospice Directory to find a list of hospices in your city.)

Also spend some time doing a little reading about what normal grief looks like, so you'll have a better understanding of what you're going through and what to expect -- it may reassure you that what you're experiencing is quite normal under the circumstances. See, for example, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, or take a look at the on-line e-mail course, The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.

Have you ever considered writing in a journal about what you're experiencing? I want to suggest a wonderful book which offers "simple yet inspiring writing exercises to help you resolve your pain as you transform your grief into words of hope and healing". The book is Writing to Heal the Soul: Transforming Grief and Loss through Writing by Susan Zimmermann. It's fairly recent, so I'm sure you could find it in your bookstore or on Amazon.com if not at your local library.

Please know that we are all holding you with gentle hearts and extending to you our deepest sympathy.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[STARKISS]

HI, I HAVE LOST MY MOM THREE MONTHS AGO AND I FOUND OUT MY DAD HAS CANCER NOW. I AM DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS FOR MY MOM AND NOW WHAT IF I HAVE TO DO IT AS WELL FOR MY DAD. I DO NOT THINK I CAN GO ON IF THAT HAPPENS.