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My Girlfriend Lost Her Mom And Broke Up With Me.


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I am a newbie to this site, but i really need some help understanding whats going on with my girlfriend. We were deeply in love and we were to be engaged this month. Everything was great, but about 2 months ago her mom was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer. During that time, she wanted to get marreid right away so that her mother could see us getting married. I agreed, and we scrambled to make all the arrangements, but ultimately her mom told us to get married on paper first then have a ceremony later. We rushed, and were about to get married 2 saturdays ago, but her mom died right before. We naturally put our plans on hold, and I stayed with my gf everynight. I could tell she was getting upset and snapped at me a lot. She says she feels ugly inside and that we just don't seem right anymore. Finally, wednesday, she texted me to break up. Thurday night she texted, "I'm hurt" I went over there and we spoke. I think i made a huge mistake talking about how she was my life and that we were supposed to get married and have children. The next day I texted her saying I will give her space,and I will listen and be there for her whenever she needs it. She texted back "thx, but I think we should go our seperate ways and not speak anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. Some good advice and perspective would be really appreciated.

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I can only speak from my own experience. I lost my mother 11 months ago. I can tell you that the death of a parent is more than just painful. Part of us dies when a parent dies. A big chunk of our identity is simply ripped away. We have to rethink everything we are, and somehow rebuild our lives. The grieving takes time, usually months, and all the while a heavy feeling of despair eats away at us. Emotions become raw and overpowering. Sobbing. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Despair. Normal life is totally disrupted. Even basic things like eating and sleeping go completely out of whack. People consumed with grief can hardly go back to work. Relationships get put on hold too. It's one of life's major 'time outs'.

So develop a respect for the power of grief. Although you can see grief in others now, you will understand the depth of grief only when you lose one of your own family.

From how you describe your situation, I'd advise giving your grieving woman friend a lot of personal time and space to sort things out. Think long term, not just days or weeks, but months. Of course you want to be supportive, but that may require delicate handling. I think you need to learn to read her mood; eventually you should be able to discern when she is approachable. I'd also advise you to completely drop the idea that she has to make any decisions about a relationship with you. She can't deal with that now, apparently. Everything is on hold. Just be a friend when there is opportunity; that's all. Be very patient. Let her choose when the time is right. And be open to the idea that she can go her own way, and that is still ok.

That's just how I read your situation. I hope others here will also have advice for you.

Ron B.

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Tell her she has her space but you don't feel this is the end. It's the beginning of doing what's right for each other. Tell her you both can have a future together when she's ready. Tell her she needs time to remember her mom and know her mom was happy for the two of you. You can have children in her mom's memory. Tell her you'll stand back and understand her grief but not to give up on each other. Then see if it was love or wanting to please her mom. Her mom wanted her loved and safe. If you're meant to be, she'll see the sensitivity you have for waiting. Leave flowers from you at her mom's grave. She'll notice that. Put a note to her mom that her little girl is hurt and you hurt for her too. Communicate a few times that way as if she'd never read that note. Write it to her mom but short not a letter. I left poetry for my parents and didn't realize sibs found it. It was to the parents but they were really touched.Good luck. LindaKay

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Thank you for the advise so far. Should I not even try to contact her? I was thinking of writing her a hand written letter telling her that I cannot even fathom what she is going thru, and how i will cherish some of our memories together for the rest of my life. What do you guys think? Will it just make her feel like I'm crowding her?

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tin73man - I would try to restrain myself if I were in your shoes. If you can just give things a little more time, then maybe your own thinking will have a chance to evolve. Rushing forward with things is usually what gets me into trouble. I like what you said about not being able to fathom her grief. I know you must be hurting, but the magnitude of her hurt should give you pause. Eventually you will acquire a thoughtfulness and a sensitivity to her pain that will guide you. But I am not you, so take my advice for what it is, anonymous help given over the net. Better to seek counsel from your own family and from people you deeply trust; that should help you find your way. - Ron B.

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Ron B. Thank you for the advice. I want to turn to friends and family, but because I am their son or friend, their concern is on me. All they see is that I gave so much to her and she dropped me. I don't think this helps me, thus, I'm on this forum.

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I'm so sorry for your gfs loss of her Mom and now your pain as she tries to deal with this horror.

For you to seek out advice on a site like this is testament to what a special caring person you are.

I wanted to give you a link to another similar thread a while back which might give you a tiny insight into this


for now I think (based on my own grief) your gf cannot even begin to think about the future at all,it's a scary time for her.

I would send her a very simple card telling her you cannot begin to understand what she is going through but that you are there for her and you are thinking of her .....nothing more needs to be said,pressure to talk to you is too much right now.she will reach out when she is able to.

I hope you can gain some tiny understanding when you read the other thread.

I wish you comfort and peace and I hope this will work out for you and you gf.


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Thank you for your insight. I actually read that post before, but I see the poster stopped posting. Can you give me some insight. I heard from one of her friends that she is resolute in her decision, but can she really be that clear right now? She has mentioned to me that she feels so ugly inside. Is she directing her feelings at me? If I send her a card, will she feel touched or more angry? She has a personality that she is head strong, but I can't beleive that she is really thinking this through. I imagine any relationship is going to feel not right. If I send her a card will it put the nail on the coffin? Why is she so cold to me? What did i do that casued this. Why is she so sensitive to what I say, but so open to others? We were so good together till her mom passed. I feel so guilty that i am thinking about our relationship, but how can I not?

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That's a very tough question to answer tin because it really depends on the situation.making major decisions is beyond difficult,heck the smallest decision can be tough,simple things like what to eat,what to wear.....there are times when they can be so hard.....that may not sound logical to someone not grieving or someone who hasn't experienced anxiety.

To be honest I would think your gfs decision to break up is something she needs right now FOR HER,not to sound cruel to you but right now you are not and cannot be a priority for her.plans for the future are too much to handle.you may hear/read people talking about taking baby steps in grief and that is literally what it is,trying to simply survive this moment,the next minute,the next 2 minutes .....the future as you think of it is beyond comprehension.she may not even be able to verbalise that herself right now and that's all perfectly normal.

It takes time to simply understand what grief is,what it does to us,how it affects us.it's a very very scary feeling when it hits because someone can feel like they are losing their mind,going crazy.

People do and say things that are "out of character",things that may seem completely illogical to someone else but it's part and parcel of the shock of losing someone.

None of us can say whether this is a longterm decision or not for her,she probably doesn't know it herself,because right now none of that matters,right now it's all about her and the loss of her Mom.it's what she needs for now and all you can do is respect her decision no matter what you think or how you feel.as much as you want to talk it out with her (I'm assuming),it's just not what she wants now.I can't even imagine how hard this is for you,you love her,want to help,want to be there but there is nothing you can do right now to make anything better or easier for her,all you can do is respect what she asks of you.

I know i have close family I've distanced myself from during this,for me part of it is that they may have tried to hard to "help" in the beginning,for me it was too much pressure,they were listening to me but not hearing what I was saying.grieving is hard enough already without having to worry about how others are feeling so I pulled back because for me I had enough to worry about.

Someone recently posted a response she had to someone which was "I cannot help you with my grief" which I think is very spot on,I can't help someone else deal with my grief, I can only deal with me on this.

You are a great bf to seek out more info here and I am sorry you are having to deal with your own hurt because of this.

I do hope you are at least getting a tiny insight.none of us is in your gfs head,while we can perhaps relate in someways this is complete unique to her.s know that all of what we say is simply based on our own personal experience.

Patience is the key,try not to give up on her. For yourself it might be also worth doing some reading/research on grief so you are aware of the so many areas it can impact,it's goes so far beyond sadness,tears,fear and shakes one to the core,physically,mentally and emotionally.

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