When Are We Expected To Accept Our Loss?

[melina]

I'm posting one more here. I've read that we cannot move forward before we've accepted the loss of our loved ones. And that this is one of the greatest challenges we face in grief. But when are we expected to accept the death and loss? And how do we know if we've accepted it? Won't we always wish it hadn't happened? Won't we always wish we could get them back if it were possible? Does that mean we won't ever move past the pain?

Melina

[sunstreet]

Melina,

I believe we will always wish our spouse had not died. I believe we will always wish we could have them back. We may never accept that they have died. What I believe we need to accept is that we need to learn to move forward in life without them. I believe we need to accept that to loose someone so dear, is going to bring forth unimaginable pain and that the pain never goes away, it just becomes transformed into something we can carry and function in life again. I believe there is no time limit on how long we need to grieve and mourn. The limit is just what we need and that is OK. For me, where I am in my journey I can see that I can now look at Melissa's things without crumbling and actually feel warmth and comfort. That particular pain has been transformed. One of the things I try to do is just accept each day where I am in my emotional space and trust that the process of healing is taking place. For me, guided imagery is very helpful. I am further along in this journey than you and my prayer for you is that as time passes you to will see that some things that brought forth weeping and despair will be transformed into bringing you warmth and comfort.

Courage and Blessings to you, Carol Ann

[melina]

Carol Ann,

Thanks for your words. This actually makes me feel a little better. What is guided imagery?

Melina

[sunstreet]

Melina,

I am glad that my words have helped. Guidied imagery, is when you listen to someone's voice guiding and encouraging you to promote a different perspective to promote healing. At least that is my lay explanation. Perhaps Marty can explain better. In any case here is a website that may help too. http://healthjourneys.com/ I personally have found guided imagery to help me with post-traumatic stress, insomnia, and depression.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[Cheryl]

Melina,

I have found an awesome book that details everything about grief. What I especially like is that it explains what is happening to us and what steps we need to take to move through the grief process. It is written by a Doctor who wrote books for grief professionals and not wrote one for patients.

It is called How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies By Therese A. Rando, PH.D.

This book literaly walks you through the necessary processes of grieving and helps you find the best possible way to chart your own path. It details how the circumstances behind our loved ones death, the role they played in our life and our own preceptin of the relationship effect how we deal with a loss. More than anythig it paints a clear picture of what normal grieving is and talks about how easily grief can become unresolved or stuck if we are not allowing ourselves to move through the pain.

I have read it twice and learned something new each time. At first I felt bombarded by all the information but the second time I read it I felt so validated. I'm not as crazy as I feel!

One of the things I learned is that through crying, remembering and reviewing all that I once shared and all that I have now lost, I am loosening and defusing the emotional charge. These emotional feelings will lessen in intensity and and gradually over time it will reach a point where I can remember what I used to be and what I used to have and not be overwhelmed. I may not be happy about it but I will not constantly be grieveing about it. At some point the memories will be comforting instead of painful.

I hope this help! Cheryl

[MartyT]

Melina, dear,

You've asked how and when you're supposed to reach a point of acceptance. Many people who are struggling with grief have a lot of trouble with that word "acceptance," because in truth the death of our loved ones will never, ever be “acceptable” to us. If that particular word bothers you, substitute the word “reconciliation” or “integration,” and understand that it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work to get to that point in your journey. As I'm sure you've discovered by now, there is no shortcut through the minefield of grief work. We must experience the heartbreak of grief, lean into it, and embrace it fully before it begins to loosen its grip and the pain begins to ease. If you’ve read any of the posts by those members who've been with us for quite some time, you will find that they've all worked very, very hard to get to the place where they are now, and just like you, they sometimes felt as if they would drown and not make it to shore. They’re all a bit further along than you are now, so their perspective has changed over time ~ but I hope their voices of experience will give you hope and faith as you continue on your own grief journey: the kind of hope that says, “If they can make it through this, so can I” and the kind of faith that says “I believe I can survive this loss, and I will find a way to heal.” Trust that, with the understanding, compassion, and support you’ll find here and elsewhere, you will heal, but in a way and in a time frame that are unique to you. Always keep in mind that this is an individual journey. Others are here to listen, to help, to guide, to suggest, to share what worked for us. But we are not you, and comparing yourself with others or judging your journey against anyone else’s will not help you heal. Grief is universal, but the way we handle it is unique to each of us, and there is no right or wrong way to go down this road.

Guided imagery is a simple, inexpensive but highly effective method of relaxation, using pre-recorded audio programs with soothing music and voice tones. Such programs are available from your local library, or for purchase online or from your local bookstore.

"Guided imagery is more than listening to relaxing sounds. It's a learning process to listen to someone's voice, relax the breathing and consciously direct the ability to imagine. The effect of guided vivid imagery sends a message to the emotional control center of the brain. From there, the message is passed along to the body's endocrine, immune and autonomic nervous systems. These systems influence a wide range of bodily functions, including heart and breathing rates and blood pressure." [source: Mayo Clinic, http://www.mayoclinic.org/news2008-mchi/4403.html]

These articles may serve to explain further how and why guided imagery works:

What is Guided Imagery? by Belleruth Naparstek

How Guided Imagery Works by Joel Levey