Is It A Good Idea Or A Bad Idea To Do This?

[Lostdaughter]

I don't know if this is good or bad and would like some opinions. Over the years I've stopped listening to music, for the most part. It just brings up memories of happier or not so happy times so I've just stopped listening to it. Someone mentioned a song on here and I played it on YouTube and it just made me so sad. I went and bought a CD today that has the song. Ok, so it just makes me cry.

I know we're supposed to go through this and let ourselves grieve, but I would really like to not have to feel any of this. Maybe just keeping constantly busy doing tasks is a better idea? I am prone to engage in addictions to not feel pain, and this just isn't healthy, so maybe just staying busy is better. Or I really wish I could just sleep at will. That would be my first choice. Any thoughts are welcome. Thanks.

[Lindakay]

Crying isn't bad. It releases harmful stress hormones. They've measure different kinds of tears. I too have put some music off because of the many happy times I used to have that included music. It's not doing anything that;s more harmful than crying. There's movies that are soooo sad that I'd watch. It's someone else saddness not mine. Reality is to recognize that and being human is to feel that other person's saddness. It's called empathy and compassion. Makes you a more layered human. Makes you more interesting. Music actually puts your brain in a different alpha beta wave. Don't remember which it is. Do something to move forward everyday. One chore or duty or adventure or journey. If the sand was hot and the water was close...would you just stand there with hot burning feet? Move forward girl. LindaKay.

[Lostdaughter]

Thanks, LindaKay. I am trying. I have a ton on my to-do list. Problem is, for the most part, all that's on my list are chores. I realize how alone I am and it sort of makes me feel like I really missed the boat. I used to be married. I missed out on children. I am only close to my Mom and one other person and neither live where I do. It's harder to make friends the later one gets in life, as so many people are married and/or have kids. I have friends here, but most are married and this means being alone a lot. I have done the meetups and they aren't bad, but it's tough to really make friends when they don't meet regularly. The only group that meets on a regular basis is this Spanish conversation group and even that - well, I do to improve my Spanish for the job market. I guess I need to take more risks and just force myself to get out of this house but, with no income, it's hard to justify. If I am able to do this job I accepted, then I will have an income so I'll feel like I have discretionary income to spend.

I think about the losses and I think for each loss I never really recover. There was the divorce, then the tragic loss of the dog that we got during our marriage, then the loss of my other dog two years ago (my pets are my kids), then the loss of this relationship that was very important last year and the dream (I look back and was just deceived and stupid), then the loss of my Dad five weeks ago. I feel like life is just a series of chores and losses. It's hard to move forward when this is how I view life. Anyway, I realize I have gotten off track from my original question. I've never quite believed tears are good, not that I am questioning what you say. They just don't seem to do much good. All they do is stuff up my nose and then I still feel bad.

At any rate, maybe I need a gratitude list and then to just try and believe that good things CAN happen and that it's not all about loss and work. Or maybe I need some spiritual path to put all of this in perspective. I have a friend who believes in Karma - that there is no hell and that living on earth is the hell. I think this benefits her as she views anything negative as her Karma. Maybe I just need to learn more about that spiritual path. I try to realize things could be much worse, that there are others in life far worse off, but it doesn't really seem to make the pain of loss go away. Ok, I'll stop blabbing now.

[Lindakay]

I too had no children by choice. We had three dogs all the same ages within a few months. The big boy was over a 120 ibs and had his knees go out. We did two surgeries to fix them the months before Scott died. It took two to lift him in the car. Two to help him go outside to do his stuff. A towel under his back leg area to help carry his weight. One knee on the back legs at a time. It was gruelling care. So before Scott committed suicide, he determine that MoJo would be in pain and I'd not be able to handle three dogs to care for. This was not me making this decision. Scott loved his animals. He went into his 8 year depression at the loss of two shepards two months apart. So the day he died. He took MoJo in to be put down and came home to finish himself. I worked 10 hours that day and he knew I was going to. The other dogs and I grieved for both of them. We used to call them small medium and large. My dogs are 12 now and my everyday company.

Karma is something my sisters mention all the time. I just believe in doing random kindnesses for others. It was repaid in all the support I got from work/neighbors and friends and family.I'm separated from all my family by moving up here with him. It's more affordable up here for now and my home is larger and I have a job. Heard a Buddist philosophy series of tapes. Paths of the Heart. They weren't trying to convert anyone. It was a teaching tape. Guy sounded like Woody Allen that wrote it. They said the Buddist knows you can't change someone. You can lead by example. Be true to yourself.

Don't change or pretend to influence someone. Look at them and bottom line them, knowing it's the way they are(like a greedy selfish person..may be what they really are)If they like what you are and do, they may change on their own. So if you're driving down the road, car is overheating, you don't run the air because of it, you're stuck in bad traffic, you're late. Look out the window. You see a ugly cracked sidewalk and in a crack there's a lone blooming periwinkle. Concentrate on the nicest, prettiest thing you see in every moment of your day. They do that to change their attitude and outlook at life. Karma is more to remind you that doing good brings the behavior out in other people to do good back. Like letting someone out in traffic and you see them do it for someone else. Most people respond to a smile or poliet behavior. Go in a busy place and look an old person in the eyes and smile, They'll respond and then say hello and you don;t have to stop and engage in a conversation to do this. It maybe the high point of that person's day. About tears. They had people collect them in watching scary movies that made you cry, love movies, losing someone from a dog to a lover/spouse and even anger tears. They all contained different stressor hormones. They say it helps and yes stuffy nose. Got to ramble on and tell you about an incident two days before he committed suicide. He was talking about wanting to finish it soon. I'd always talk him back. He was warning me he was close. I never believed he would really do it. We loved each other. He wanted me to go on and be happy again since his sadness was making me scared for him. I had promised never to try to commit him(they can't keep bad crazies in muchless a sad one). He said he would just lie to them and do it anyways when he got out and it'd ruin our relationship.So I'm crying talking to him in bed. I mean quiet sobs and stuffy nose dripping noses, kleenex city. I voiced outloud like a little girl would in that state, I want my mom. I need my mom. He was holding me and trying to tell me he did love me but life for him was misery. All of a sudden I said, Something happened. He said what? I said something just happened. I got up and walked to the kitchen. he followed and asked if I was OK He was worried about maybe a heart attack or something..I said Look at me, listen? My nose was clear and I couldn't cry. My mom had spoken to me, a visitation. She said, You will get through this. you will get through this. My sinus' would always be stuffy the next morning after a night of sadness. He believed me after years of me telling him about the occasional visitations in my dreams. The day after this particular early morning visit, he did it. I got through it. I still miss him.LindaKay

[Lostdaughter]

Oh Lindakay, I am so sorry you lost Scott to suicide. That has to be absolutely devastating. I read a lot about that topic though, and I do understand that for some people they just don't want to go on due to depression. Since I've dealt with depression my entire life - I really get it. I would hope it would never come down to that choice for anyone (myself included), but we're in such an infant stage (and by "we" I mean the medical and psychiatric community) that for some people the drugs don't work, the therapy doesn't work, and it just becomes too much. I do hope someday that advances are made to alleviate the suffering of those afflicted with mental illness. I have read of the devastation left behind to the survivors of suicide and I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. It's a tragedy all the way around for everyone.

As to Karma, yes, I do agree with your thoughts and I go a bit beyond maybe. I do believe in other planes of existence and also that we reincarnate. It's the only thing I've come across that makes sense in terms of a loving God and the injustices of this world and it explains why some are born into riches and some not and suffer horrible lives - well, my take anyway. I've changed so much during the past 15 years and I am a better person, in that I volunteer and look out for others. It's a better way to live.

I've been so preoccupied with death lately (maybe normal, maybe not). I need to get things done like my will and make sure that whatever I have goes to the animals, who far too often have no one looking out for them. I'm sorry for the loss of your doggy. I know how sad that is. I have two little ones now (two Shih Tzus) and while they will never replace my other dogs, I need to look out for them too.

Take care and thank you for sharing your story. Oh, and I believe in your visitations and think you were fortunate to have them. I had a little Maltese that died tragically and by accident. This may seem trite, but I believe her spirit was around for months following to let me know she lived on. There were weird things that happened. When my last dog died, I held him and told him to go to the Rainbow Bridge. I had him put to sleep in my home. I had hoped his spirit would stick around, but it never did. I guess he did go to the Rainbow Bridge peacefully. I miss them both so much and have a shrine set up for them in one of my bedrooms.