I Don't Understand Why I Feel Like I Do

[Cajie_Laurie]

I've lost people in my life before. My mom in 88, my brother in 90, a good friend in 94 and my dad in 97. Each time I had a sense of loss, but I got over it quicker than I am with Tommy. I feel like I did the day I got the call from the hospital. I gotta get out of this funk. I want to... but at the same time, I want to remember him daily. To talk to him. Listen to his music (I had trouble doing that at first, but am able to listen to some of it, namely the Irish Music) We would go to the Irish Pub on weekends and the band would play rowdy Irish Music and he was the one singing the loudest, pounding the table the hardest and stomping his foot the hardest.

Before I sold my home and moved in with my son and his family, I would feel him with me. Now, nothing. And that scares me. I still talk to him daily, but I get no answers from him like before. In life, he and I talked everything through with one another. Now, reality is setting in that I have to make those decisions myself. SCARY!! What do I keep, throw away, give to charity or sell. I already talked to his family and except for his golf clubs. they don't want anything. Which to me, is sad because he kept EVERY THING. He still had his graduation stuff along with other stuff and he was 52 when he went on to be with his da. (Irish for dad)

[Kavish]

Hi Cajie_Laurie,

See Tommy in your own light as you did before. Let nothing else color your heart. You will feel him as you still do. This life we have is meant for our thoughts to be one with ourselves, with our loved ones who loved us unconditionally. Don't worry how others feel, feel your feelings first.

Regards,

Kavish

[Cajie_Laurie]

Thank You Kavish,

(I think) At first, I was on auto pilot cleaning out and selling the house and car , getting ready for my move to NC and once I moved in July, I kept it all in. (Until I found you guys, of course) I don't have insurance, so I can't go see a counselor here where I live. And that was one of the 2st things I wanted/needed to do.

My son and his wife were keeping me busy and while I appreciate being busy, I needed time to myself, to sort things out. Like you guys said, sometimes you just wanted to be left alone. Well, with 9 people in the house (6 who are the grand kids) that's hard. Especially when one of them is 3 and doesn't understand why "Grandma Laurie" won't let her in her bedroom.

I gotta find that place with Tommy again. Oh, I have to tell you guys this. I hate rain storms and in Tampa, it rained all the time (hurricanes and all) and right after Tommy died, it seemed every night we had a bad thundershower come through. It was so bad, I thought the thunder and lightening was right over the house. I was scared!! And then the lamp shade from the lamp that was to my right, moved. I was spooked at first. But then I started talking to Tommy about selling the trailer and it moved again! "Did you love me Tommy?" It did NOT move!

"DO you love me Tommy?" I asked. And it moved like crazy. It never moved before or since then.

I had to leave a lot of stuff behind. That killed me. Decisions had to be made on the spot. I acted like it was OK even though it wasn't because Pat was taking the time to move me and I already felt like I was being a burden to him. Although, he was worried I would regret my decision.

Another time, I was throwing stuff away and came across his jewelry boy, which he held him momentos, like his dad's Well Fargo star he wore on his uniform. That was a keeper, no question to it. But, I was going to throw a shiny piece of silver out until something... or someone (Tommy) told me to turn it over. Embossed in gold was his initials (his dad's initials too) and I'm going to secure it on the corner of my new desk.

Well, it's 3 AM.... I fell asleep at 6 PM, so I got some sleep. I normally get up at 5-5:30 even though I don't have to. So I'm a couple hours early...LOL

Good night (or good morning all,

Laurie