Cajie_Laurie

Carol Ann, I read your post several times. 1st, I cried because I feel your sorrow for the loss of your Melissa. Then I smiled believing that Melissa wanted to give you a good memory of the two of you dancing to your song to hold on to. Although it's bittersweet, it's also beautiful. You are an inspiration to me. You are a strong lady and I know that you will get through this rough time. Take care my friend, Laurie

Heather, First off, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. My heart goes out to you and I'm crying inside. Children are too precious to hurt in any way and it angers me that people we trust are so careless. If she is taking care of others children can't you call her probation officer (if she has one) or tell the cops so she doesn't do this to someone else's baby?

West, My head is telling me you're right. We were never as close as I would have liked and she got really angry at me when my Ex and I divorced. A lot, if not all her anger derives from that, I think. What bothers me is our not talking is keeping me away from my 2 other grand children ages 7 and 6. I have seen them a handful of times and that hurts. I guess I am feeling sorry for myself. I need to "pull myself up by the boot straps" as my mom used to say and deal with it.

Background: When Tommy died, my daughter wanted to come help me pack, but couldn't and I understood. A month later, she wanted to stand by me at his funeral, but couldn't and promised she would be visiting me in October. And even though her visit would be short due to her visiting an in-law as well as her father, step mom and step siblings, I forced myself to understand even though I felt I should be the focus of her visit. I needed her!! October came and just about everyone, including me got sick then I had another health scare, which thank God turned out to be nothing. All this time, my daughter and I did not talk because when she was naming who she was going to see, I was last. Her step brother, who was coming home from Iraq for R&R was more important. OK, yeah, he is a service man serving our country, but my whole world was just torn apart and I needed my daughter's comfort!! October turned into November and I see pics she tagged on FB of her at her dad's... pics of her and her "sister" and new baby, pics of her and her "brother" and pics of her and her step mom HUGGING!! She found the time and money to go visit them and SKIPPED seeing me. Needless to say, I was floored. She called me, and after a 10 minute conversation in which I told her all about the things going wrong, I let her know I saw the pics and that I knew she went to her dad's (who by the way lives 2 hours from me and she had to pass through my town to get to his house and back home.) That was the last time I talked to her, besides wishing her a Merry Christmas on FB. I am resigning myself to not having any kind of relationship with her. I have tried over and over to get it back and thought I wouldn't have to tell her I needed her... But, I guess I was wrong yet again. Oh yeah, she also missed seeing her "REAL BROTHER" and his family over seeing her step family.

Dear Dimel. I am so sorry for your loss on what should have been a happy day for both of you. Tommy had his heart attack on his father's birthday and died a week later. (His father had died a few years before and Tommy never got over it and was contemplating suicide a week before his heart attack.) This is some thing I haven't told anyone, especially his family. I just don't have the heart to do so. Now, I know he didn't choose to have a heart attack on that day, but to me it was Tommy's way of saying "Now you HAVE to remember his birthday." I still feel guilty for a lot of things that happened months prior, including things that happened in the hospital. This sounds trite, but I know Tommy is with his father... a man he adored and respected and loved. And while we all miss him here on Earth, I know that Tommy, his dad and others who went before him are watching those they loved. So is your Glenn. While, I have had the fortune to have signs from Tommy, even if I didn't, I know he is watching over me and guiding me when I have to make difficult decisions. I'll never know what exactly happened... was it a seizure which brought on the heart attack? Was he so despondent that he didn't have the will to live? Did he have other health problems that were missed? And most importantly, if I had brought him to the ER sooner, would he still be alive? Imagining that Tommy is up there rooting for Notre Dame and the Gators with his dad and everyone makes me smile. Finding myself using the same expressions Tommy would reminds me of instances when he said the same thing and I smile. That's how I get through all this. I do hope that one day you can get to that place where you aren't badgering/ blaming yourself over things you could not control. God called our loved ones to him and are in his loving arms. And that in itself gives me some peace. Dear Carol Ann, I have been reading your post about your Melissa and I hope that your impact statement makes a huge difference and keeps that man behind bars. When I found Tommy in his desk chair, the 1st thing I thought of was his admission that he was contemplating suicide and how I handled it all wrong came flooding back. I pray that you and each and every one of us can find the peace we need to go on with out our loved ones. Laurie

When Tommy died last June, I moved in with my son and his family within a months time, so I had to pack everything up (his and mine) for the trip from Tampa to North Carolina. However while I was still at my own house, I kept Tommy's things just where he left them... his glasses, his slippers, his shoes. It gave me a sense that he was still with me as I made important decisions which would change my life. Now that I'm here, I have certain articles of his with me in my room. His trunk of his stuff he had since he was a teenager is in the shed because of lack of space. But, I'm able to go in and be surrounded by his things... I know I can't keep everything, so I've selected things that meant something to him.... his dad's Irish Jacket, some Christmas decorations, and other articles that I know he'd never give up. Moving from the home we shared has helped somewhat. I do miss Tampa... But, it was hard for me to even go to the store knowing that the cashier would ask me about Tommy because we always went in together. I found I couldn't buy the foods he liked, even if I liked them too because he should be eating them too. I guess what I'm saying is you have to do what's best for you. Don't let anyone encourage you to do some thing you aren't ready to do. They do it because they care because they don't want you to be sad any more. Heal on your own time.

I would like to wish you all a Happier New Year.... That's how my Cousin gave her New Year Blessing and I thought how great that sounded since last year totally sucked with Tommy's passing. I haven't posted since November. The holidays were although hectic, kept me busy, which was good. It was my 1st holiday season without Tommy and while he was always in the back of my mind, I wanted to give the grand kids a good Christmas. Which they got.... Tommy would want me to do that. I moved here (North Carolina) from Tampa and am originally from Louisiana, so when it snowed the day after Christmas, it was to say the least different. I was used to still wearing shorts even in the winter. And as long as I don't have to drive in it or go out in it, I can handle snow. We had a kitchen fire right before Thanksgiving and had to spend 1st night at a motel. That was interesting to say the least... The 3 older grand kids were OK, but we found out that it's nearly impossible to keep 3 kids (ages 11, 9 and 3) entertained in motel rooms. The kitchen is now on it's way to being renovated and life is returning to normal again. The day we came back, I was alone in my room on my comp with my TV on when all of a sudden, the TV screen turned blue. I was way across the room and no one was with me... What happened was the DVD player turned on!! And I believe it was Tommy asking me where was I the night before. That gave me a peaceful feeling knowing Tommy is still watching over me. (What other explanation is there?) Jan 16th is Tommy's birthday. He would have been 53. I'm not sure exactly how I will celebrate it. Maybe buy a chocolate cup cake and light a candle for him. Whatever I do, I will honor his day and honor him. I deleted his face book page a while ago. Some times, I regret it, but then I think that while many in his family were on FB too, he had not friended any of them, so they couldn't celebrate with me anyway. I reconnected with a friend I had since the early 90's. Her hubby and my EX were both military. Her only daughter was killed in a car accident a few years ago and she asked me if I laugh. My answer... Yeah, if it's funny.... LOL That made HER laugh, which was my intention. I love you all and I thank you for listening to my ramblings.... Laurie

I wish I had the answer to your mom's question. I'm so sorry for all of your losses in such a short time. I have been doing a lot of soul searching since Tommy's death and I keep coming back to what my mom told me many years ago. "God doesn't close a door without opening a window". My mom passed away in 88, my brother was killed in an auto accident in 90, a friend was shot and killed in 94, my dad passed in 97 (complications due to Diabetics) and Grandma died in 2003. (She was 100) and then Tommy. Mom and I were estranged for years before her death ( long story) and had just started a relationship again less than a year before she died. I got through her death by realizing how lucky I was to have that chance to reconcile because my brother didn't. (another long story I'm not ready to get into) De, my brother's passing was senseless and preventable. What helped me through was knowing that it was quick and he wasn't in pain long. That sounds morbid, I know... but he wouldn't have lived and knowing he did not suffer helped me cope. I was closest to my dad and when I found out he also had renal cancer. (he didn't tell me nor did any one else) I lost it. For years, I stayed in my room in deep depression. I wasn't talking to anyone and my ex didn't know how to handle me. His solution was keep the kids as quiet as possible and go on. What got me out of my funk was Brian was sent to Korea again (his other solution, to go away and make me have to go on) and I became a single parent for a year. Then I had to start living because there was no one else to take care of my kids, who were teenagers, with all the problems teenagers bring. Here is a poem I found. It isn't the one I was looking for, but it's close. Life is but a Stopping Place Life is but a stopping place, A pause in what's to be, A resting place along the road, to sweet eternity. We all have different journeys, Different paths along the way, We all were meant to learn some things, but never meant to stay... Our destination is a place, Far greater than we know. For some the journey's quicker, For some the journey's slow. And when the journey finally ends, We'll claim a great reward, And find an everlasting peace, Together with the lord Author unknown

Carol Ann, I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. People can be thoughtless and cruel when in fact they should be comforting, just as they want to be comforted. I do hope the facilitator talks to this woman and the group, so no one has any doubt that you belong there. You belong here as well. Don't let ignorant people who speak before thinking get you down. Educate them. My prayers are with you. Laurie

Thank you everyone for making me feel better. You guys know what to say to lift my spirits. I wish I could find the words to help you all through your time of grief. Today was another busy day. Son and his wife are starting a new venture and saw two clients and I had to watch Erin. Not that I minded at all I really do enjoy my time with her.

PopPop, Mary is right. You have your daughter and grand children to live for. Look at how far you've come in developing a relationship with her. My prayers are with you. Laurie

I so believe that LindaKay. Erin, my 3 yr old grand daughter spends a lot of time in my room playing games on my comp. One of these times, we were going downstairs and she says to me something about just being with Tommy. Of course. while she was leveling up, I was talking to Tommy in my head, like I always do. It makes me smile knowing Tommy is watching over me. Laurie

I haven't even thought about Christmas. The grand kids are talking about Halloween. I've not yet done a holiday without Tommy. Not sure what'll happen. One day at a time....

At times, I do the same thing. That's when the If Only's come in. Right now, I am at the point where I have to rely on the fact that God knew what he was doing when he took Tommy away from me. He is in no more pain and neither is your Sweet, precious Mary. It's hard to accept, I know... because in doing so, I feel like I'm saying it's OK he died because it's not. It was unfair. We (all of us) can't beat ourselves up over things we can't change or fix. I'm reminded of The Serenity Prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr Take Care Jay... God Bless

That was wonderful... I see an author in our midst.

Thank you to all who replied. First, I feel the need to clarify who Max is. He is my grandson, one of Patrick and Heather's kids. They have Gene 18, Amber 17, Rowen 14, Max 11, Gaelen 9 and Erin 3. Theirs is a blended family as the 1st five kids are Heather's from a previous marriage. However, they are all my grand kids. I live with Pat and Heather... Max had his TB Tine test today and will be read Saturday. I had Ultrasound and I have to go see Dr Tues to find out what it said. Saying some prayers until then. Today was pretty good. Was in an upbeat mood most of the day. Had a run in with son, but cleared it up. I'm finding out he is acting normally with me (prior to Tommy's death) Things he'd say that I'd let roll off or just go back at him with, I'm taking way too personal. I need to do what I did before, which was to counter him with something just as clever as his statement(s) I haven't had time to think about anything other than what's going on here. I figure I can later when everything is settled down. When Tommy was alive, he sometimes had the feeling I was pushing him aside and I guess that's where I'm getting the guilty feelings. But, you guys are right. I have to live for those around me and for me. I'm sure now he'd understand and want me to be the best mom, mom in law and grand mom I can be. That said, I'm gonna put on some Irish Rebellion CDs and have me andd celebrate Tommy's life.

Ron, I think it's so cool that you have music to keep your spirits up. As they say, "Music soothes the savage beast" (in us all) Lately, I have been using my RPG (Role Playing Game) to help work out my grief. Its silly, I know... but the character(s) I play have some of the same issues I'm facing and their struggle to overcome them. I also use music to lift me up. And soon, I want to start my genealogy going again.

Today is the 4th month Tommy has been gone. This morning, I woke up talking to him telling him how much I missed him and once again, I questioned his senseless death. Was it really his choice or did someone drop the ball? And even though I'd like to sit in my room and listen to his music or go through his stuff and remember the good times we shared, life goes on. I have to be at Duke University for an Ultrasound of my kidneys, Patrick has a dentist appointment, and Max has to get to the pediatrician because after the specialist saw the X-ray of his lungs, they wanna rule out TB.... MAX is only Eleven!! I guess in a way it's good this day is filled with things to do. I gotta look at the positive, right? Or I'll get depressed then what good am I? I feel like I'm pushing Tommy aside (once again) because other people need me. But, I'm not. Am I?

Hi KJO.. WOW... that's all I can say about the ex-girlfriend reminding you of a song, especially now... even if it wasn't done in malice. What gets me is people can be so insensitive. Even your family. My son has said a few comments to me. The 1st one I let roll off my back. The last two I called him on it just to make him see that I wasn't in the mood for his sense of humor at that moment. He said he was sorry and it's over. Some one called him a jerk and he was being one. Maybe he was trying to make me feel good, I don't know. I really don't care, now. This all may sound trite, but if she couldn't stick it out with you through the rough times, she wasn't meant for you and one day, probably when you aren't looking, the right lady will be waiting for you. Laurie

Ron, I like that idea and will try it also.

Angela, I'm so sorry to hear about your partner's passing. I would consult a lawyer before taking any actions to see what the law in England/Germany states. However, I do like the necklace idea. And also the pictures of where we scattered his ashes. I do know this, your daughter has rights being she is his daughter also. It's so funny how they seem to forget those things. It's a shame how even someones death doesn't stop the bickering. (Takes a look at myself here) I hope all goes well for you... my prayers are with you that all goes smoothly. Laurie

Its Ok... I fixed it.

I just noticed my birth date is wrong. It's NOVEMBER 12th not October 12th... lol How do I change this simple fact on my profile? Thanks...

II decided since finding this thread to find one thing positive to say everyday... beginning today. I am so thankful for finding this board and all of you. You guys lift me up and I want to do the same for all of you. God Bless you all!!!

Redwind, First of all, I am sorry you are going through all this. You too, Closs. (((hugs))) Big hugs to all who read this. I kinda understand where you are coming from. Tommy will be gone 4 months in Thursday and just the other day (just like the day he passed) I was thinking this isn't real. His sister whisked him off somewhere and he is living and happy and he wasn't dead. Because to me, even if he wasn't with me but was still living, I'd be OK with it. But, yes I saw his body... even though to me and my youngest son, Doug, thought he looked to be sleeping... Even though I went to his funeral... I still wish he was alive, with or with out me in his life.