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This is my first post to this forum-- and by no means am I even close to totally accepting the idea behind what I am about to share-- but it gives me comfort...

I moved home about 15 years ago when my dad got ill-- and stayed. He passed away and then I continued to live with my mom. (I was divorced at the time and never remarried)

My mom died 10-16-10... At home. She had arthritis and took Vioxx for it-- and it caused her to have a stroke which went to her left eye, blinding her.

She had hip replacement and had a heart attack in the hospital during the recovery period...

She recovered from that pretty well-- but was only able to have one done since we didn't want to risk another HA..

Then--- due to heavy steroid use (for pain/hip problems) she developed Addison's Disease-- but once this was diagnosed she did pretty good for a time...

Then she just got worse -- weak, forgetful, almost indifferent to life on some days-- confused, etc. Usually this meant she was low on her cortisone and an extra pill or two helped...

The week of her death she seemed to be pretty good-- she was in ER once for a hematoma she got from bumping her leg (coumadin)-- but otherwise was pretty good...

I work 2-11 and when I came home from work was when I helped her into the bathroom and to bed, etc-- and I did the same thing that night-- but she did tell me she wanted to die.. 'let me die'... I scolded her -- 'Now mom! that is no way to talk'..

Her bedroom was on the first floor and I always shut her door when I put her to bed so that I could get the stuff I always did before going to bed without disturbing her-- then I would open her door before going upstairs so that she could get out of her room easier with her walker should she want to in the night or if she got up earlier than I did in the mornings.

When I opened her door I could not hear her usual deep breathing-- so I went in and called to her-- and shook her a bit-- I thought I saw her arm move and was going to leave the room but still sensed something-- so I turned on the light and knew she was gone at once..

I called 911 and then did CPR until they came...

She never wanted a funeral so we had a very short, dignified prayer service in the funeral home chapel the following Monday.

I was off for the entire week...

Going back to work was both a torment and a relief-- I felt tormented because I was so used to calling home several times a day and also I felt guilt for even smiling at a coworker, let alone laughing at a joke. Going back through the whole 'I am so sorry' thing with people I had not seen all week was even worse... A relief because at least I was doing something other than laying in the bed where she died praying to her and begging her for a sign of some sort-- or torturing myself with 'what if's' What if I had let her sleep on the reclining love seat that night like she asked me to-- what if I had checked her earlier, etc etc etc. I am sure most/all of you know exactly how many what if's I am talking about..

Last night the Chaplain at my work came into my office to talk to me-- and we prayed to together.

He used the words 'please help Tony as he is 'separated from his mother'....

For me this was an emotional moment- for the past year I always was able to cope with being away from mom as long as I knew she was OK and being taken care of.. I never really was able to even go out for an evening with friends and didn't even want to stop at the store after work -- I wanted to come home and take care of her and make sure she was OK.

When I took my youngest son back to college-- my sister came and spent the day with mom to make sure she was 'OK'...

All those times I wanted to drive 2 hours to the bigger city near me to shop, go out to a movie, etc-- I couldn't really do it-- because I wanted to make sure mom was 'OK'...

So now-- even though the last thing I want to do is run around to movies, eating out-- or shopping-- I do know she is the 'ultimate ok' and can cope with it a little better...

I will not tell my mom 'goodbye' as she will always be with me in my heart. Telling loved ones who have passed away 'goodbye' is not something I feel is necessary-- they are never totally gone from our lives-- but they are OK-- and we can be separated from them knowing this.

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Hi Anthony,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I lost my Mom on 6/3/10 only a month before her 84th birthday. You can read my story in other posts of mine if you are interested.

You should not be doing the "what if's". You did all you could. I am glad you know that your Mom is with you.

Keep posting all you need to. We are all here for each other.

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