Anger

[redwind30]

After losing my husband six months ago the pain does not seem to be letting up. I feel lonely, empty and angry. Angry at everyone. I know no one can change things; but I guess I am angry because they just get to go on with their lives. My closest family is 500 miles away. I call and cry. They tell me how sorry they are and they wish they could do something to help ease the pain. I want to say "try calling me once in a while" or "come see me for a few days". But, I don't dare say anything to alinate anyone. They can basicaly do or say whatever they want and I simply have to deal with it. If I stand up for myslef I will lose what little contact I have with them. They are retired and it is fairly easy for them to get away. I still work full time and only have the weekend off; so me trying to go up there seems pointless. Besides, I have to come back to an empty house which seems to be one of the hardest things to do. Even if I leave for just a few minutes; coming back home is so painful.

The lonliness and emptiness never leaves. This is the most horrible pain I have ever experienced. I have been told I need to get involved in something...but what??? I don't have the energy to volunteer and don't feel like I have anything to give at this point.

I just wish I felt like somebody cared....just a little.

[hello123]

Hey, I've recently lost my Dad very suddenly and I know what you mean about being angry. My mum is only 46 and she has lost her husband and feels like nobody is being supportive. When she speaks to family they say the same things I wish we could help, and she was angry because they never call and are all just getting on with their own lives yet constantly mention about how the loss of my dad has also affected them and they miss him as much as we do (which is stupid because he was more important in our lives). Anyway in the end my mum got really angry and snapped at them saying that its no use saying anything all they have to do is ring and although they were annoyed at first she feels as though they have been ringing more, it was a big deal for her to say that because she lost her faith in everyone and we've realised however much people say things they are pretty selfish in the end. But my advise would be to say something, just mention how you feel nobody ever rings therefore it makes you feel very alone, I don't think its alienating if you say it in a nice way, hopefully eventually they'll see what you mean?

[niamh]

hi redwind,

I can relate although it's my Dad is the one missing from this world, from my life and my Mom's. I do have times where I feel so angry, I feel the rage inside and it can be friends that I'm angry with. Sometimes I feel like I want to tell them all to get lost because at the end of the day they are really only there when it suits them .......but that's life I guess, while I will be there for someone else other than my Mom, it will to a certain extend always be when it suits me. My Mom is the only person in the world that I TRULY will do absolutely anything for anytime. I miss that reliabilty, that safety from my Dad, as does my Mom .......we both feel the immense loneliness and knowing that we really only have each other 100% ....everyone else is only maybe 99% reliable.

I do tend to avoid being around anyone when I get this angry, because I don't want to say something hurtful, say something I'll regret because underneath it all I guess I know my anger is more about the fact that my Dad isn't here and that nobody can actually fix it properly. So I try to ride it out, knowing it will pass ......it comes and goes for me, sometimes I'm a little angry, sometimes a lot, like every emotion it's just all over the place really.

None of my Mom's friends call anymore now to just check up on her, they meet, they have their regular outings like they've been doing all their lives but that extra bit of kindness is gone now .........it does make me angry at my Mom's friends. She has a few friends who do still listen, who still ask PROPERLY how she is so I'm glad of that. For the rest, she just doesn't really say anything anymore when she's out with them, it just all goes on as "normal".

People have also mentioned to me and to my Mom about "getting involved" in something .........someone suggested my Mom go join bowling .......she has no interest, she never did and she wonders why people throw these suggestion at her now just because my Dad is not here ........ she just wants to get through everyday as best she can, she doesn't have the energy for something like that. Somedays she finds it hard to even leave the house and go out for a coffee, even though it makes her feel a little better just getting out, she can't do it every day.

I guess for some people they handle grief differently, they throw themselves into something new, some new hobby and it seems to help them ...........whether it is simply a long term distraction or not is something I wonder about but for me and my Mom that's just not for us so people need to respect that. I don't have any interest in taking up something, working for 40hrs a week is more than enough for me.

You last line just echoes in my head several times every single day wishing somebody cared. The thing is most people do care but I think because the pain, the loss is so intense we feel like others don't care, it really doesn't take much to feel so hurt, so let down ......something that would not have been given a second thought before this suddenly becomes a very big deal.

For me personally I think I feel like nobody cares because in my heart I know nobody cares for me like my Dad and that's all I want, that's all I need but nobody can give it so therefore I feel like they don't care at all. Sometimes I compare it to wanting a job done ......a job should be done properly or it just shouldn't be done at all, a half arsed job is no good.

Have you tried talking to them about how the grief itself actually affects you .....this is something I do with close friends ......I try to explain the various aspects of it to just give them whatever little understanding they can get ........maybe it's like a little insurance with them ..........so they know if I say something "wrong" or I don't call, if I ignore calls etc that I'm not being out of line, I'm not being a bad friend, things are just so extra tough for me and this is how I'm dealing with it. Maybe with talking to them and being honest it might give them a little nudge to call you, make a trip to see you. So often I think people assume we want to be left alone so they say "call if you need anything" etc but most of the time we don't make those calls, because it can just be too hard to do (without any "logical" reason). Yes of course there are times when I want to be alone, I don't want anyone around but I will be the first to let someone know that.

I rarely initiate a call, initiate a meeting but when friends actually ask most of the time I do actually go meet them or I will chat on the phone. Maybe underneath I'm conscious of being so sad, not wanting to bring my misery to others sometimes I don't want to know anything about someone elses happy go lucky life when I'm at the complete opposite end of the spectrum.

anyways hugs and love to you and I hope you know everyone on here cares and can relate.

Niamh