Just A Quick Question

[dravens_rage]

Hi there guys, just a quick question, i lost my mum 3 years ago to cancer, i still find it really really hard dealing with it and getting on with life, i'm trying and things have definitely got better over the years. does anyone still find it hard even after a few years? A friend said to me a few months back that i should be moving on with life and to be honest that really upset me, every day i try, some days are good and some days are bad but i don't think we can move any faster than what we are naturally able to do, i found it very hard to talk to her since then and i know some people just don't know. So yes i just hope i'm not the odd one out in still finding things hard. thanks

Sean

[Daughter2010]

People who haven't lost a loved one have absolutely no idea of what you are going through. It is true they may mean well, but it is just the way grief is. Yes we can go on with life, but at times it can feel like we are not making progress. Bottom line on this is we will never be the same. We are forever changed. However, with this being said, we realize that if we are still in this world, we must honor those who have passed on. We honor them by making an effort to go on, to make a life for ourselves, I am sure that is what they would want us to do. Of course, easier said than done but we must make the effort. Our loved ones are not gone forever, we are just separated for a period of time. Whether we like it or not, we can't change the way things are, but we know we carry our loved ones in our hearts and mind. I imagine my dad looking down from heaven and wishing nothing but the best for us. I think of it this way, If I were gone from this world, I would want my loved ones to make an effort to go on, I want them to be able to experience joy, and happiness again. Sure, it may not feel the same as before but we must make an effort.

Don't worry about your friend telling you that, don't judge her or get upset. Always remember your mother wants the best for you, so whenever you are feeling down , hold on tight to that and keep going, if not for us, we must do it for them.

Big hug to you,

Liz

[Anthony]

This whole 'going on with life' theory irritates me... We ARE going on with life! We get up every day-- we go to our jobs-- or we attend to our homes and children and other business...

In my experience-- those who keep telling us to 'move on' or 'get over it' are the one who are uncomfortable with our situation-- not us. Does that make sense?

[Aquarius7]

In my experience-- those who keep telling us to 'move on' or 'get over it' are the one who are uncomfortable with our situation-- not us. Does that make sense?

Yes! It does!

[niamh]

hi Sean,

first of all I am so so sorry for the loss of your Mom.

I am only 11 months into trying to be in a world without my Dad and I don't have answers for you. However, everything you say makes sense and I see no problems, 3 years .......that's a long time without your Mom but at the same time, it's a blip in terms of living without her. Many have pre-conceived ideas that 3 years, yeah you should be "better", "Over it", "moved on" ......UGH...... I couldn't agree more with Anthony, we all do it every single day, we are all here still breathing & doing the very best we can. So we may not be doing things to others expectations but that's not a requirement.

Nobody has the right to push anyone along as you say. I too find myself distancing myself from those that push, I know their hearts are in the right place but if they can't accept me as I am now, I have to back away for now for my own sanity, for my own protection.

My heart,mind and soul have more than enough to deal with besides feeling uncomfortable around those that find my situation uncomfortable. As I say, somedays I can't put on a face, I want to rant and rave about the hard time I am having and some just cannot deal with that after xxx amount of time.

So Sean, know that you are far from the odd one out and I hope you will find some small comfort on this site, people can relate. Although we all deal very differently, we all have our own unique grief but there are things we can relate to each other and most importantly for me, nobody here judges, nobody here has expectations. *Pat on the back* for simply still being in this world and doing the best you can with the most horrific nightmare we all face every second of every day.

hugs to all of you,

Niamh

[dravens_rage]

Thanks Niamh, and thankyou liz (and everyone else) for your posts. It reminds me of something ozzy osbourne once said, it;s applicable to me as i'm english but im sure it;s the same for many people, he said that in england they teach you how to deal with life, but they never once teach you how to deal with death, i have to say that i agree with him, i didn;t really know what grief was until i lost my mum, i'm not blaming anyone don't get me wrong im not even sure how you would being to teach dealing with death but a heads up would've been great! I know i'll always miss my mum, that will ever go away, i think i finally understand what people mean when they say you learn to live with it, i think i had to go through the initial horror of the grieving process (pretty sure you all know what im talking about) to get to this place and see what they were talking about. Niamh im so sorry for your loss, and yknow if you do want to vent just keep posting or if you want to send a rant to my inbox please do, sometimes i used to get so angry and frustrated and i had no means of an outlet, having a good rant was probably what i needed or to beat the hell out of something. Anyway im straying from the subject, I know in normal terms 3 years is along time, and in many ways it feels like an eternity to me. I try and i know all of you try, i don't think we can ask much more of ourselves, i know we'd like to be able to function like everyone else but we don;t have that luxury, one thing i did learn is that i have to go easy on myself, i have to say to myself take it easy, it;s ok, take 10 minutes out, i still have to do it. I'm sorry i've rambled on, thankyou again for your replies it's nice to know that we're not alone in this and have that reassurance that we're not going crazy and if i feel like this in ten years then so be it at least i can say i've tried, i wanted to faulter and many many times i've wanted to give in, but i'm still here, i;m still breathing and i'm grateful for it and like liz was saying try and honour those we've lost when we can. take care, keep going

Sean

[niamh]

yep that's so it Sean, just learning to live with it is as much as some can do. thank you too for your kind words.

you are so right about none of us learning how to deal with death until it's too late and you're thrown in at the deep end. Sometimes I want to stand on a world stage and explain it all to people because sometimes the intolerance of others can be painful. Like you I never knew what real true grief was before this, yes I had lost people very close to me but they were not my anchor in this world like a parent is.

this site has been a lifeline for me and still is, it's a safe place to vent and get things out sometimes that nobody else around us gets

[dravens_rage]

I used to have that exact same thought Niamh, i used to want to broadcast it to those people who didn't know, and they're fortunate they don't know because they haven't experienced losing someone and that's a good thing and yet at the same time i think it;s important that people are aware and i wish i had been, i maybe wouldn;t have felt like i was going round the bend when it first happened. Nevermind, perhaps that can be my aim in life, to some how make people aware and set up some kind of place for people to go, although im not very organised, and im not very good at public speaking, yeah might have to wait a while for that one