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Loss Of A Significant Relationship


starby

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I wanted to find a place where I could offload in depth and this part of the forum seems the most appropriate, although it's not about a partner. It's about a different sort of love relationship.

It's about my counsellor. I've been seeing her for nearly three years and in that time I've grown so close to her. She has brought out so much strength and other qualities in me that I just didn't know existed. She has championed everything I do. I had a very tough upbringing and as a result I wasn't close to my parents or my much older siblings. There was a lot of violence going on my house and I escaped into stories and creativity to escape, but nobody was interested in what I did. I grew up and did my degree in English but lost all confidence in my writing ability due to some criticisms I recieved.

Then life went even more badly and I entered an abusive marriage and had my son, who I love dearly but he is severely disabled and life is tough. I first developed an illness called M.E in 1998, but this went into remission before coming back worse in 2005. I'm now very disabled with it.

When I started seeing my counsellor I was a very withdrawn, insecure, repressed lonely person and now...well, life is hardly a picnic but I have so much self belief. I've found myself again. I've started doing another deegree with the Open University, I've been taught to see the good in me and the creative child I was. When I achieve anything my counsellor is so proud, she has even read several of my essays! She gave me the confidence to study Psychology, a subject I've always loved. She encouraged me to start the piano lessons that I gave up when I was a small child due to believing I was useless. She spent a lot of the first year of our work together reading my childhood stories, and she told me it helped her see the little girl I was, and bring her into the room. As a result, I now feel proud of the child in me.

I'm writing all this to give a flavour of just how significant this relationship has been and how much it has helped me. I go there each week and I talk in depth about what is going on for me that she knows me better than anyone. My family don't even know I go to counselling and wouldn't care if I did. Only two of my friends know and they've never been so find it hard to relate. I think some people are under the impression it's a sort of shameful thing to see a counsellor especially as you normally pay (I don't) and that it's somehow impossible to enter into a real relationship with them. On the contrary, my cunsellor has always been real with me; her stance is humanistic and she believes in being human within the therapy relationship, not a blank slate. She has invested a lot in this and genuinely thinkks the world of me. She has given me the sort of love, guidance, attention and encouragement I never had from family, and more than that, she has taught me to start giving this to myself and take pride in what I myself do. She has given me strength to believe I'm worth something despite my crappy life. I'm very spiritually orientated and she connects with me on a very deep, intelligent and spiritual level as well. I feel like a star when I'm with her - it's an anazing feeling.

I am writing here because this relationship is coming to an end - my counsellor told me just four weeks ago that she has to leave the agency due to unforseen circumstances. I am utterly devastated. While I do feel I've come so far with her and don't need her in the same way as I once did, I am going to miss her so much I don't know how to cope. I thought I was over the worst, at least for the time being until she and I actually end, but I saw her last week and I've been thrown into unbearable emotional chaos.

I spent Thursday evening and most of the night sobbing uncontrollably and in such despair I questioned being able to live through it all. I remember trying to ask for help (I have spiritual faith) but feeling cut off, I physcially crawled onto a place where I keep my crystals and beautiful shells to try and make contact with it. I was in such acute pain I don't think I knew what I was doing.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling no better, sobbing non stop. I made myself go to my son's Christmas nativity even though I felt I couldnt - I didn't honestly want to go as didn't have the emotional strength, but I forced myself. Got there - only to discover he wasn't in it anyway. Then I got an abusive text message from my ex husband cos I'd told him my son's play WASN'T today - I'd thought it was next week. I tried to contact him this morning once I found out but he was in bed and didn't get the message.

I've got five more sessions with my consellor and I'm trying to make the most of the time and not let this ending cloud how wonderful the relationship has been, but easier said than done isn't it? You can't do that if it's someone dying so I can't do it now. I guess the difference here is that I never expected to see her forever, she was only ever going to walk with me for a while, but I've grown too attached. I always do. I have so much to give and I end up hurt because I care so much. I care about my counsellor - she's a professional, but I feel I know her as a person. I love her deeply for how much she has helped me, for who she is and the connection we had, for the fact she took such pride in my stories, essays and achievements, for the fact she cared so much when I was at the funeral of my Great Niece recently that she played a beautiful classical piece of music that I gave her while I was there, to connect with me.

She is the first person I've really connected with and felt closest to in my life and the resulting grief is devastating. It is also bringing up other losses but this is the main issue at the moment and while I found this site, even though my grief isn't conventional. I haven't really got anyone to talk to about this pain because the grief isn't the widely known type, so as a result I feel very isolated.

I'd like to talk to/hear from anyone but if anyone is struggling with grief over losing a therapist I'd especially love to hear.

Thanks for listening.

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Dear Starby,

I am so sorry for all your loss. I so acknowledge the courage and risk you took in posting and sharing here. I am deeply sorry for that on top of everything you know have to deal with the loss of your therapist. I am so sorry that you are having such few sessions with her to process the fact of your therapeuitc alliance is ending. Has she given you any referrals? I think it is part of good ethical therapy for the therapist to give you a few referrals and my thinking they should help with the transition to a new therapist.

I received some very damaging therapy from a therapist. I entered into therapy after my wife suicided. I was very vulnerable by that point due to all my loss. This therapist was the sun, the moon and the stars for me, that kind of feeling. She took advantage of my vulnerable state and crossed the boundaries on so many levels. I was in such a state of shock after my wife suicided. I was blinded to the fact that essentially she was grooming me as all predators do to their victims and something sadly I know so well from what I raised in. To make a long story short, I so relate to that feeling of devistation you are experiencing with the loss of your therapist. I understand the unbearable emotional chaos you are feeling. The therapist I was working with for just over two years gave me no notice that it was ending, I found out in session one day. She told me she was going on sabatical for 6 months. She offered me no referral, nothing! She told me that she would not be my therapist upon her return. Due to the fact that she had fostered such a dependance on her and was able to do so by virtue of my need. I was completely devistated! In the end, I reported her to her agency and to her professional affiliation. After an investigation, she was stripped of her liscense to practice and fired. The disbelief and collusion I experienced was in my opinion more damaging than the exploitation of me by the therapist.

I hope it is OK that I shared this with you. It is a different kind of loss than yours but I just wanted you to know I understand your loss and the pain you are feeling now. I am so sorry. I want to say more but I am tired and need to get some rest. I will talk with you later. Thank you for your courage and I am so sorry for your losses. I am also so sorry that you are living with M. E. I have lupus, a type 1 diabetic, and progressive traumatic hearing loss as a result of the violence I was raised in.

Later......

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Hi Carol Ann

Thanks so much for responding to my post and for sharing what you have. I'm so sorry that you recieved such devastating and unethical treatment from a therapist - it makes me so angry that there are still so many therapists out there who take advantage of vulnerable people. It's sickening. I can totally understand how awful it must have been to find out she was leaving with no notice at all. I'm aware of how lucky I am to have some sessions to say goodbye although it doesn't feel like long enough considering the enormous blow. Thank you for empathising with me and although our situations are different I can see how the feelings are very similar and the resulting grief is very painful regardless.

It's complicated but I do have the option to see my therapist after a period of 2-3 months on a private basis (the gap is set by her agency for ethical reasons); however, I'm not sure I will do this. I'm aware of how much I've grown with her and I had already been considering trying to end before I found out she was leaving. There's a weird sort of synchroncitiy about it that makes me think I need to let go, as painful as it is. I think I still need emotional support with my life and this is what she and I are trying to work through together, ie what happens now and what I still need from therapy. Whatever happens we feel this needs to be treated as the ending it is because I might not go back and see her. I would hate to think I had glazed over the ending and be left with terrible regrets. I have a history of difficult endings and I think my therapist is keen for me to share how I feel with her and gain some sort of closure as well as exploring future options, but at the moment I feel lost, bewildered and in pain.

I'm sorry about your health issues also, it is so unfair. I have a friend who has Lupus very severely and recently had to terminate her pregnancy due to a severe flare up resulting from the pregnancy. I'm sorry too that you suffered violence at home as a child - I understand how that is.

I really appreciate you reaching out to me at this time.

Starby xx

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Hi Starby,

 

I hope you are having a few pieces of time of feeling less alone with it all. Thank you for your empathy around what I went through with that therapist. I am angry to that there are still therapists out there who are taking advantage of their client's vulnerabilities and causing them more harm than what they went in with. It is deplorable! The lack of accountability is shocking to say the least.

 

In any case, I am happy to learn that your therapist was not like the one I experienced. Please know you can reach out to me anytime. As you go forth, I want to encourage you to listen to your own inner guide and do what feels right to you. I think it entirely normal how you are feeling and I am sorry that it is not a well recognized loss, it should be.

 

You say you have a history of difficult endings, so it makes sense that this ending will trigger all of that. I pray that you are able to look back in time on this as one ending as one that is set apart from the others as being one that had proper closure.

 

I want to share with you that I did search out and find another therapist which took a tremdous amount of courage on my part. This person is totally professional, ethical, and qualified to help me with my issues. It is kind of hard at times though because little benign things that go on in therapy, that for the most part are ethical and neccessary even, but for me they are triggers to my first experience with a therapist when these little things were done as a way to gain my trust, only to then exploit me.

 

I am so sorry that you are feeling so lost, bewildered and in pain. I am here, I am listening, I understand.

 

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Starby,

I think you are very wise in your deduction...yes you are probably right that you need to assert some independence and distance in your relationship with your counselor. It's very understandable that you should feel so close to your counselor, she has been understanding and caring and helpful. But you have to keep in mind that is her job and as such, it is a different relationship than that of a friend and it requires keeps the boundaries different than you would with a personal friend. You are going to feel some loss as you adjust to this change, but you will make it through it, you have already demonstrated your ability to learn and grow and you will continue to! Just remember when you feel the pain, it is a testament to how much this person and her role meant to you, and maybe say a prayer of thanksgiving and appreciation for her having been in your life when you needed her, and let yourself move on with the changes. You will be okay, given time, you'll see. (((hugs)))

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Carol Ann thank you for your kindness and understanding, it's much appreciated. I'm not currently sure what the future brings but I have to keep hoping it'll work out for the best. I'm so glad to hear that you were able to find someone ethical after you had moved on.

Kay - thank you for your words. I understand what you're saying about it being her job and about needing to move on and whatnot, but this is where I struggle. My therapist volunteers at the place I see her, so she doesn't get paid for it, and there is caring and grief on both sides. Yes it's a different relationship, but I find it hard that people accept the loss of a friend or a family member as a matter of course, condolenses are given, pain is accepted, whereas when it's about a therapist it's more 'time to move on,' 'it was just a job,' 'the relationship wasn't real.' 'this is really positive change.' I'm under no illusions that it was never going to be forver, but at the time it's such a close, personal, deep relationship because you share everything. Dependng on the therapist concerned it can be one sided, but my therapist invested a lot in me and shared a lot of herself.

I'm sure I'll move in is devastating, but I wish there was more recognition of the grief involved and less stigma attached to seeing a therapist, never mind hurting over the goodbye.

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Starby,

Loss is loss, no matter who we're talking about, and grief is grief, regardless of the situation. Don't let anyone devalue what you're going through, it is your experience, you own it, and no one can legitimately devalue it. We can develop a deep relationship with anyone, but in the professional field, normally they keep some distance so they aren't clouded by their emotions. Not all people can do that though. But that in no way devalues your relationship or the loss you feel. I wish you the best as you try to move through this journey. I want to say though, that I lost a spouse, and not everyone is understanding and supportive in that loss...you run across many people who think you should just "move on", "trust God", "what you need is a new guy", etc. These kinds of platitudes do more harm than good. Most of us have had our rant about people who say stupid things. It has all been a learning experience and hopefully it makes us more empathetic to other people's plights. This lady has played a significant role in your life and helped you a great deal so it's understandable you feel a great deal towards her, but you seem to have a grasp on things and I'm confident in your ability to move forward, even if it's painful at times and even if you feel doubt on occasion. Hold on to all that you have learned and you will make it. (((hugs)))

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Kay thank you for your kind words. Yes I'm sure I'll move on in time although I do feel the need for some support at the moment due to the difficult ongoing situation I'm in. While I see where you're coming from re professionals normally keeping a distance, my therapist has always believed in being 'real' in the sense she isn't a blank slate, but her emotions haven't disrupted the therapy. Given the choice between having a real relationship with a therapist and one who remains detached, I know which I'd choose. My grief is greater because I formed such a deep bond and I know she cares and has done so much for me. I also know she's grieving while at the same time she has always encouraged me to blossom and move on. However, I've had the gift of a true connection with someone and I wouldn't change that. In genuinely caring she has helped me. I might well end up seeing someone else in the future and I know it'll never be the bond I had with this therapist, but that's okay. I don't need that anymore - I've had it, and it's given me so much. I have the choice to see her at a later date, which is an ethical decision on her part due to the ongoing nature of my current situation, but I think deep down it's time to move on now. That's not due to 'dependency' or any sort of inappropriateness, but simply because of where I feel I am in my life with letting go.

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Starby,

I just wanted you to know that I know how hard this is for you and I understand the deep loss you are feeling. I think you are making a wise decision knowing that it is time to move on now. It sounds like this is a real time of transition for you. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I am recovering from dental surgery at present and not a lot of energy but know that you are not alone.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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