It Has Been 1 Month To Date

[SHeiss]

It has been only 1 month since my dad passed away. I feel distant to everything going on around me. Kind of like an outsider looking in on my life. I see myself and what I am becoming but I don't care. I want to be happy, but when I even feel a glint of happiness I immediately feel ashamed as I should not be happy without being able to share it with him. Everything and everyone in my life gets on my nerves and some days I even feel compelled to choke them for no reason. I don't like anything or anyone and I hate people asking me all the time "How are you holding up?" I want to punch them in the face and then ask them the same question. I am tired yet sleep never seems to want to come my way. I feel like any pain or discomfort my body feels I freak myself out because I almost make myself believe I have cancer and I am dying. I am not happy. I try to be to cover up my true feelings but it gets harder everyday to pretend to be what I am not. My husband sees it, but I think he is just afraid to say anything. Some days I feel like he just stays with me because he doesn't want to be the monster that left his wife after her dad died. I ask him about it but he just tells me I am crazy. I feel crazy though. I am going to talk to my doctor sometime this week or next about all of these things I am experiencing. See what can be done because at this rate I am bound to derail and lose my mind.

Sorry I know by re-reading this it seems like I am just complaining about my life, and maybe I am but all I know is this is just how I feel and I needed it off my chest.

[nanasbaby]

Im sorry for your loss. I LOATHE the question: how are you holding up ??? People asked me that while my mother was sick and I would cringe inside. I know how you feel when it comes to pain or ailment. I feel as if any ailment I get will land me in the ICU on a ventilator. As I said I have no words that will help but I can kind of underatand how you are feeling.

[niamh]

hi Sharla,

I'm so sorry hun for all your pain. I still have my little angry tantrums, sometimes it will be the most irrational thing that will set me off.

I had a friend who lost her Dad at 15 tell me last year that the one piece of advice she would give me is to never say you are "ok", "fine" or whatever until you truly feel that. Of course this isn't possible with everyone but with anyone who knows me personally, who knows what's happened, who was there during it, I refuse to pretend I am ok.

I've no doubt your husband loves your dearly and I'm sure he wishes he could "fix" it all for you like so many in our lives.

I had a rough time over the holidays with certain comments too, people (as in family & friends!!!!) wishing me "Merry C'mas" & "have a great day" ........I resisted the urge to reply with what I really wanted to say.

You are definitely not going crazy Sharla, that I can promise you and I don't think you are "just complaining about" your life, you have every single right to complain as much as you want, this isn't a little hickup, this is a major major trauma and not one that we can change, wait for to be over, it's life changing and the very least we are entitled to is complain about it and everything surrounding it.

I felt very scared in the beginning having so many feeling and emotions, some contradicting each other yet feeling them all at the same time, I did think I was losing it, losing my mind. I came across this book called "How to Survive Your Grief when Someone you Love Has Died" by Susan Fuller. It's more like a reference guide actually to a huge list of feelings that can occur. This book gave me the comfort to simply know that every single thing I was feeling was normal, there was nothing at all wrong with any of what I was feeling. It's like a page or 2 pages on each feeling and you can just jump to whatever feeling you have to read about it (I know reading a book from cover to cover was impossible for me, actually it's still hard, I just don't have the concentration).

I only wish I had magic words to take it all away for each of us. But all I can do is share my feelings and hope that you know you are not as alone as you might think right now.

sending you a big Daddy girl hug Sharla and lots and lots of love,

Niamh

xxo

[SHeiss]

Niamh and Nanasbaby,

Thank you both. I am sorry you both know what I am going though due to experience but I am thankful I am not the only one! I was having an extremely tough day and it felt like everyone was mad at me for some reason. They all thought I was being rude to them or I was "short" with them when I felt like I was doing my very best to be pleasant. THEN they would address the fact that I was what THEY THOUGHT as rude and I just wanted to shake them. I kept thinking "How dare they?" among other things. It is always nice know that I can get on this forum and know that you all know how I feel. Then I have days like today where I feel like life could get better but then I will get to my days off work and sleep all day because there is no point to waking up. I keep telling myself that it is a phase in grief and I know it is, but when I get like that I just don't care... which has become a phrase used more often than not by me as of late. This is my dad by the way, Isn't he handsome? I have photos of him when I got married just 3 months before he was diagnosed with his cancer. Sometimes I feel bad that I was so wrapped up with my wedding planning to notice his deteriorating health and that if I wasn't so materialistic and paid more attention that he may still be here today. Okay, I am rambling now. Have a good evening girls.

Niamh - thank you for the book referral. I will check on Amazon to see if I can get it shipped soon

[niamh]

Sharla, what a lovely photo of your Dad, he is handsome and wow looks SO young and healthy, it's just all so wrong that he's not physically here now. You know the minute I saw the photo ...........he reminds me of Santa Claus for some reason , just looks like such a fab Dad !

I'm sorry you had people thinking you were being rude, so many just don't get it.

(((HUGS))))

N

xox

[nanasbaby]

Great photo !!!! Im glad that your father got to see you get married ))