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I Am New Here...very Lost...

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Hello all.

I am new here and would like some guidance. To give you some background information, my beloved mother died a week ago yesterday. The day after Christmas, on the day of the big blizzard. I know it was all part of God's plan. My mother had been sick since September but her health had been failing for about a year. She was 83 years young. When I say that it is not in a patronizing way. She was really young at heart and independent. My mother loved to dance with my children, she loved to sing along to music, she loved to cook, sew, and kept an immaculate home. She and my father were ALWAYS busy. Even now with my mother gone, my father still keeps busy.

Back in September my mother had surgery to remove precancerous polyps, she seemed to be recovering and was ready to be sent home...a couple of days later, her organs began to fail, quickly, starting with her kidneys. They did an exploratory surgery. After that surgery, she was no longer able to breathe on her own and required a ventilator. She received a feeding tube and needed dialyis. However we were under the impression that all these measures were taken to IMPROVE her condition. She was moved to a rehabilitation center after a month in the ICU. However I wish she had been moved to Hospice because they knew all along she would not get better. After being in and out of the hospital at least every week during her stay at the rehabilitation...my mother passed away last Sunday.

Right now, I just feel relieved. Relieved that she is no longer suffering. Relieved that we do not have to see her with a trach attached to her...but Im worried about when the relief wears off...Basically it seems as if we have gone back to our normal routine. I cried at the funeral..I cry each day, but Im not reacting with amount of emotion that I thought I would. When I got the warning call last Sunday morning...I was calm..when I got the official word at 6;20pm that evening, I was calm. I reacted worse when my father told me ten days earlier that she could go at any time. Can anyone else underatand where I am coming from ???

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Yes, I can understand where you are...

My mom had Addison's Disease-- and was in/out of the hospital for months before she was diagnosed.... Once she was diagnosed-- she seemed to improve and did live for about 2 years-- but her quality of life was not great. It dwindled slowly-- which made it harder for me to accept her death-- because I was able to slowly grow accustomed to it....

The night she died (in our home) I felt a great sense of calm-- and relief. Both for her and for myself. I was her main caretaker. We had visiting nurses and hired women to come in and help her bathe, etc-- but it was mainly me.

The acute stage of grief can seem almost too easy-- for me once the chronic phase hit-- it was nearly paralyzing. I did crazy things-- consulted a psychic, made an appointment with a published medium ($225 for 30 minutes) but canceled it-- totally redecorated the house-- thew myself into constant housework and home improvements.... Then one day I realized I was living in a house that I took great pains to make 'cozy' yet felt cold in-- and obsessed with.

For me I had to realize that you have it come before you can begin to let it go-- and that is where I am now-- allowing myself to feel sad-- not pretending to close friends that I am 'OK' -- and working on developing a new relationship with my mom now that she is gone-- indeed-- I feel like a totally different person-- so my relationship with my children has changed-- as has my relationship with my siblings. Some for the good-- some needs worked on. But focusing on things like this and acknowledging then make me feel hopeful.

For me-- I am a different person than I was before my parents died-- and some of the changes can be opportunities. I focus on those.

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Thank you so much for your response. I love the phrase 'acute' stage of grief vs. chronic. Lord knows Ive grown accustom to hearing those phrases over the past few months. I feel very alone right now because those who I thought were friends really have not been around.

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Thank you so much for your response. I love the phrase 'acute' stage of grief vs. chronic. Lord knows Ive grown accustom to hearing those phrases over the past few months. I feel very alone right now because those who I thought were friends really have not been around.

I know just what you mean-- the main people who have been able to help me are friends who have also lost parents.

I snapped the head off of one my my coworkers who was whining that she did not feel very festive over the holidays because she would have to eat Christmas dinner in the nursing home with her dad... I just couldn't believe it! I told her I would walk to hell and back to have Christmas dinner with my parents!

There is a wonderful book which helped me a lot-- it is called Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt. I use it everyday!

If you like you can also email me-- I am more likely to consistently check my work email. anthony.martin@tyson.com

Happy thoughts and peaceful energy...


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hi nanasbaby,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom.

I can't relate to what you've been through with your Mom, I lost my Dad suddenly, hours before he was due home from hospital we got a call to say they were performing CPR on him for the previous 20 mins. I still feel shocked as I write those words.

Anyways, I hope and I'm sure you will find others who can relate some more to what you are going through.

With regards to those who you thought were friends not being around, I found that I was truly shocked by the reactions over time, some of those I thought would be there for me, understand me and what I was feeling had no clue at all and kept trying to fix me, kept telling me what I should be doing. Then those I didn't expect to be able to have any clue have been so compassionate and caring. It's very odd for sure how everyone reacts to a grieving friend or relative.

I just hope that sharing with us all there you will come to find you are not as alone as you might think. Although we all deal and grieve uniquely just like our relationship to our loved one was unique, there can be overlaps, sometimes we can relate to each other.

sending you lots of love and a big ((((HUG)))


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