sunstreet Posted January 17, 2011 Report Share Posted January 17, 2011 Melissa I have to let my bike go now. Another tangible piece of our life together to be gone. Our love so pure, so real, I promise till the day I die the world will learn what a wonderful gift to the world you were and the love we shared. Bit by bit, the tangible evidence of our life, our love together slips away from my grasp. I feel as if I am loosing you all over again......I weep again today.....all the if only's seem to in my thoughts again. Is this the last of the pain...or will there be more....I ache to hold you once again...i am impatient till it is my time to die to be with you again. I thought I was so far along...in accepting you in a different form....today I feel discouraged..... For Eternity My Love.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted January 17, 2011 Report Share Posted January 17, 2011 Funny how something so small as seeing a phrase can set a person off the deep end. "Forever Love " was Lars' and my sign off to each other in every card, letter, or note. I still sign off that way in my journal to him. Carol Ann, you sound sad today. Yes, it hurts every time we must give up another piece of our life with our loved one. Yesterday I opened a box with cancelled cheques from years ago. I was going to start getting rid of things like that but once I saw his writing on them the tears fell and I knew this was not the time. You are a strong lady Carol Ann, this is one more hurdle, but you will make it. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted January 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Dear Lainey, Bless your heart for noticing my pain and saying something and offering support. I appreciate it beyond words! Lainey in reality after much journalling today I know my bike means all that it was with my life with Melissa and it is another tangible piece of our life together slipping away against my will. When I fled the violence that I was raised in I needed to focus on something that was going to help me feel "STRONG AND FREE AND SAFE" I knew that to learn how to ride a bike would give me these things and it did! In reality, I am mourning for all of me, and the loss that all of me has had to overcome, and my bike has helped me to do that. I am mourning not being able to share with Melissa all my acolades, and my growth. I am mourning that she made that spilt second choice, that in another second, she most likely would have made another. I think I am mourning and taking in the absolute trauma and tragedy her suicide is and was. I think I am mourning that she will never feel this joy that I do in my soul now. I think I am mourning that she never got the chance, my family stole that chance from her. I am mourning that she did not live long enough to know that joy is possible! I encourage you not to be sad for me for I have never felt so loved, so supported, so cared for ever in my life. I mourn that I can not share that with Melissa. Melissa longed for me to heal from all the trauma I had endured and survived, and I am here now and she is not! I am mourning that I can not share my joy with her..... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Carol Ann, I mentioned to you that I think I understand how you feel as you have to let your bike go. It's been seven years since you lost your Melissa, and five years since I lost Tanya. As with you, my perspective shifts; some days I'm much better than others. As I ran my race the other day I often thought of Tanya, and the vacuum that remains in my life since she died. It hurts that these wonderful people and their direct influence are no longer felt, and that our experiences with them are largely reflective. (I do have a point here!) We bought a little VW Cabrio for Tanya, and she just loved driving around in it. It was cute like her. Since T died, I've taken it out to keep it in good running condition, and I know it has driven my father crazy that I let the car lose value year after year without selling it. Like you, I really do have to let her little car go, and the thought of doing it is so, so difficult. Slowly, I am more and more feeling that, while letting go of these things is very hard, it helps to think about how our loved ones remain present in our lives. Example, you ask? Yes, I do have one (below). I gave a keynote speech in which I became very emotional as I spoke about Tanya a couple days ago. I recall it as completely blanking out with a long silence, but a friend told me that it wasn't really perceived that way, and that my talk was actually very well-received. I thought he was just being kind, but I've received several emails post-race. Again, I mention this not to make it about me, but to try to share with you Carol Ann that while we do lose tangibles exactly as you said, the intangibles of true, profound love, are deeply rooted, and continue to nourish, and gift us. ~ Steve One of the emails (name changed for her privacy) --with my response below: Hi Steve, I just ran the PF Chang's for DetermiNation and I wanted to tell you how moving your speech was the other night at the dinner. Hearing you speak really put my training/running this race into perspective. You and your wife were definitely on my mind when the miles got tough today. Thanks for sharing your story, Sweet Person Hi Sweet Person, Thank you for your kind note--I'm glad the message wasn't lost in the silence. ;o) I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to let me know. In the unlikely event I'm ever asked to keynote for the ACS again, I'll know to use notes for an emotional presentation! It made my day to hear that Tanya is still helping in the fight against cancer. Thank you again, Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 "The intangibles of true,profound love, are deeply rooted, and continue to nourish and gift us." While I know that is the absolute truth.. I am wondering why some days my heart hurts so much that I feel like I can't go on. I've been through all the firsts, Lars has been gone for thirteen and a half months and I was so proud of how well I was coping. This past week I have cried every day, sometimes because I am missing him,or I saw a paper with his signature on it,or glanced at his picture,heard a song on the radio. How I wish we all weren't having to suffer like this, but I realize the pain is from having loved someone as deeply as we did. I would never have wanted not to know my darling Lars. We are all strong and will make it through this journey,with all its ups and downs. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irina Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Thank you for a great song you posted, I listened to it a few times. I understand how much you miss Melissa all this time ... Melissa is with you... What the wonderful words you said that she was a gift to the world! Irina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted January 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Steve, Thank you for sharing about Tanya's VW Cabrio. I ssssooo understand why you have kept it. I am sorry that you know this pain too. It is so hard to let go of things that were part of "us" isn't it? I suppose that for me too since I am all alone in the world, except for my cat of course, to know that I have to let go of one of the huge tangibles in my life with Melissa is really hitting me hard. Sometimes you know you just want to be in the presence of another human being, someone other than your therapist, and really be able to share with that person. I think knowing I have to give up my bike is serving to emphasize the fact that I am all alone in the world. Ultimately, this challenge to, will give birth to something new as has been my experience in life so far but the pain of new birth is just such a torturous painful thing to have to go through! There is no going sraight from point a to point b. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 I didn't even want to open this post..."Wind Beneath My Wings" was a favorite of George's...it's hard to see reminders. I know what you mean about feeling like letting things go takes you further away from her, but it doesn't, we still carry them in our hearts and our love will never die. The physical things in our life may change, but the love still remains. I hope you are feeling better today, Carol Ann. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 I think we've all wondered that same thing, Lainey. You've made it through a tough time just as most of us on this forum have, and you have every reason to be proud of coping with tremendous loss. Five years ago, I did not think I would be alive in 2011, but here I am. We all deal in different ways; My father cried when his wife died, but I sincerely doubt that he has cried at all with the exception of the two weeks following her unexpected death. He loved her, but that is not his way. Me? I can still cry very, very easily, but I've stopped giving myself even more grief because some people think it's been too long in the past since my wife died, it makes them uncomfortable, or men shouldn't cry--I used to think nothing could make me cry--I was way too tough. Not. I hope you let yourself grieve, cry, be sad without regret or giving yourself a hard time, Lainey. Grieving no fun, but it is needed, and there need not be an expiration date on feelings. ~ Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thanks Steve, I needed that. I'm a very srong person and when I do have these episodes I come down very hard on myself. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted January 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thank you for a great song you posted, I listened to it a few times. I understand how much you miss Melissa all this time ... Melissa is with you... What the wonderful words you said that she was a gift to the world! Irina Dear Irina, Thank you and I want to acknowledge your courage in letting me know so publicly. Melissa was a great gift to our world as were all of our spouses and partner's. Each one of us is a wonderful gift to the world as well. Admittedly, knowing I am a gift to the world is still a work in progress Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted January 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 I didn't even want to open this post..."Wind Beneath My Wings" was a favorite of George's...it's hard to see reminders. I know what you mean about feeling like letting things go takes you further away from her, but it doesn't, we still carry them in our hearts and our love will never die. The physical things in our life may change, but the love still remains. I hope you are feeling better today, Carol Ann. Dear Kay, I hear and understand what you are saying.....it's hard to see reminders....and yet at the same time it is healing....and each time we see reminders...it feels a little less like reminding us of what we have lost but reminding us of what we had and fills our hearts with joy and warmth...and least this has been my experience in my path of accepting my wife has died. I am feeling better both physically and emotionally thanks Kay. Just feel a HUGE piece of sorrow now as I move along and attain further acceptance. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted January 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thanks Steve, I needed that. I'm a very srong person and when I do have these episodes I come down very hard on myself. Lainey Dear Lainey, I agree with enerything that Steve has said. I want to encourage you to try and "Lighten Up" on yourself Lainey when your pain comes to the surface and seems all consuming again. There are layers of loss and it is a life long process and we have every right to our feelings whenever they arise and I believe it is a "strength" to feel and always leads to further healing and acceptance. At least this has been my experience. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 it feels a little less like reminding us of what we have lost but reminding us of what we had So aptly put! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now