The First Year

[niamh]

A while back Michelle Williams (ex-girlfriend to, and mother, of Heath Ledger's daughter) opened up about her grief over the loss of Heath. Some parts really stuck in my mind and I think of them often.

She spoke of her sadness sometimes at moving further away from that first year and the thinking of that year. She mentions that it was a year of magical thinking and that it didn't seem unlikely that Heath could walk through the door, nothing seemed impossible

I often think of this, I do in a way miss that first year. I recall a very understanding friend who had lost both parents in the last 6 years telling me something ........she said "as odd as it sounds and you may not understand it but treasure this time" meaning those first few weeks, months especially the time I was out of work. Well, I somehow did get it even back then and even more so now.

I feel there was something sacred about that time and sometimes I still want to go back to that. Of course I don't want the severe panic etc etc but there just was something "special" about that time. Maybe as Michelle Williams says it's the fact that everything was so so unreal, so much did seem possible.

Somewhere in my mind I did think Dad could or would come back. So often that year I would tell myself, hold on till spring, spring would come, nothing happened so it would I would tell myself hang on till summer, then winter, then Christmas,believing deep down that maybe just maybe he'd come home. Losing him was so unreal, so unimaginable, the impossibilty of him reappearing,hearing him come home in his car, open the front door and come say Hi was just as unreal...........why couldn't it happen, it was the right thing that should have happened.

Maybe it takes until that first anniversary when you re-live every waking second of the entire nightmare before that magical feeling begins to fade because at the lowest point in my life where I was aware of things(unlike when it happened), my Dad still didn't come back to me, so slowly my mind starts realising that yes it is impossible right now.

I do still have my moments where for less than a split second I think maybe, just maybe that noise is him coming up the driveway. Not sure those moments will ever fully disappear.

I also really miss being able to say "this time last year" and wishing I could. I remember the moment on 16th December 2010 when I looked at the clock being aware of the last few minutes I had where I could say "this time last year" and that being a time when my life was normal and Dad was here. It was excruciating, knowing I will never ever be able to say those words again in this life.(in relation to Dad obviously!). Now it's just going to move from "this time 2 years ago, 3, 4 5" and so on. Moving further and further away from the good times, the happy days.

I just do miss those first weeks, months in such a funny way.

[hello123]

Niamh, I SO get what you mean, it hasn't even been a year yet but I miss the months straight after, also because people seemed to be more understanding then and now it's like everythings moved on and back to normal and theres a new future without them, even though during that time it was so fresh that you couldnt even imagine a future without them

[2sweetgirls]

Well, Niamh, I can definitely understand what you are saying. Unfortunatly, I find myself still in "this time last year" mode. Instead of it being about my mom, it's about my dad.

My brother and I are still "handling" the odds and ends of the estate. He received a letter regarding a pension my dad was receiving from Italy when he was in the military. I have been kicking myself lately (since the letter) about not asking more about their lives before they came to America, about not asking more about dad's military duty. He didn't speak much about it so we didn't really ask about it. Now I'll never know.

Sometimes, I have a hard time realizing that this is "it" with both of my parents. I say to myself or out loud to my husband "is this really happening - both of them? why? why?" hoping he would say it's not real. I can't imagine living in the same house as you are. My brother and I couldn't imagine ourselves in our parents house without them. That is why we sold it. I am still mixed about the decision sometimes but, what's done is done, right? It HAS to be a whole different story when you are still living in the house of your lost loved one. I can't imagine.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I definitely understand the first year thoughts you have expressed.

Peace today, tomorrow and always.

2sweetgirls

[niamh]

yep I think of that too actually hello123, I don't like things being "normal" now, everyone else forgets SO quickley.

oh I hear you 2sweetgirls, I want all my family back that I've lost, I want to hear about the old days when they were growing up. I never took the time to actually sit and chat with Dad about when he was growing up. He would tell stories every so often but I never purposely asked about anything.

I too still have to ask myself how real this is and tell myself it is. I'm not sure we will ever fully grasp it really when none of us truly knows what "death" actually is.

It's funny you should say that about me living in the same house, I guess neither of us know any different. I had always wondered if I would ever really move out, now I really don't think so. I can't imagine not being there. I think I've only spent about 3 nights somewhere else since it happened and each of those nights I just could not wait to get home again, I hate not being there most of the time, it's like my safe place as much as it hurts not seeing Dad there. But there is definitely a deafening silence in it now.

Of course you would still have mixed emotions about selling the house. I remember my Aunt talking about her parents house in December, we were out for dinner the weekend of Dad's 1st anniversary. They haven't sold it yet but nobody looks after it anymore and her son had passed through there recently and called her feeling very sad looking at how bad it looked .....he would have spent so much of his childhood there. She lost her parents within 3 months of each other, must be 6 or 7 years ago now and she just broke down so much talking about it all. I guess it just reminded me that all these things will always just be part of us now.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I could go back and see my Granny's house, my Aunt's house (which was where my Mom grew up), sometimes it's hard to imagine strangers living in them now.

My heart goes out to you 2sweetgirls, as odd as it sounds I find it hard to believe your Dad is now with your Mom.

Sending you both lots of love, hugs and comfort as always,

Niamh