niamh Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 A while back Michelle Williams (ex-girlfriend to, and mother, of Heath Ledger's daughter) opened up about her grief over the loss of Heath. Some parts really stuck in my mind and I think of them often. She spoke of her sadness sometimes at moving further away from that first year and the thinking of that year. She mentions that it was a year of magical thinking and that it didn't seem unlikely that Heath could walk through the door, nothing seemed impossible I often think of this, I do in a way miss that first year. I recall a very understanding friend who had lost both parents in the last 6 years telling me something ........she said "as odd as it sounds and you may not understand it but treasure this time" meaning those first few weeks, months especially the time I was out of work. Well, I somehow did get it even back then and even more so now. I feel there was something sacred about that time and sometimes I still want to go back to that. Of course I don't want the severe panic etc etc but there just was something "special" about that time. Maybe as Michelle Williams says it's the fact that everything was so so unreal, so much did seem possible. Somewhere in my mind I did think Dad could or would come back. So often that year I would tell myself, hold on till spring, spring would come, nothing happened so it would I would tell myself hang on till summer, then winter, then Christmas,believing deep down that maybe just maybe he'd come home. Losing him was so unreal, so unimaginable, the impossibilty of him reappearing,hearing him come home in his car, open the front door and come say Hi was just as unreal...........why couldn't it happen, it was the right thing that should have happened. Maybe it takes until that first anniversary when you re-live every waking second of the entire nightmare before that magical feeling begins to fade because at the lowest point in my life where I was aware of things(unlike when it happened), my Dad still didn't come back to me, so slowly my mind starts realising that yes it is impossible right now. I do still have my moments where for less than a split second I think maybe, just maybe that noise is him coming up the driveway. Not sure those moments will ever fully disappear. I also really miss being able to say "this time last year" and wishing I could. I remember the moment on 16th December 2010 when I looked at the clock being aware of the last few minutes I had where I could say "this time last year" and that being a time when my life was normal and Dad was here. It was excruciating, knowing I will never ever be able to say those words again in this life.(in relation to Dad obviously!). Now it's just going to move from "this time 2 years ago, 3, 4 5" and so on. Moving further and further away from the good times, the happy days. I just do miss those first weeks, months in such a funny way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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