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The Ebbing And Flowing Of This Path


sunstreet

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If you have had a lot of loss; do you ever feel overwhelmed with which death to grieve? Have you ever had a really good day, and you felt your soul truly alive again, and you felt excitement about new possibilities, only to come crashing down the next day to what feels like an all time low? This is where I am at today. Yesterday...I felt like I was on top of Mt. Everest and nothing but possibilties in my view. Today....I feel like I have been thrown down to the bottom of Mt. Everest...and have to begin the climb again.

If I allow myself and think on it the way I am feeling is so understandable. But that is just it, I don't want to think on it. I am tired of having to think on it. It is utterly lonely to be the only surviving sibling. Today survivor guilt is playing hovoc with my brain. Three of my siblings, took their own life and today I feel angry at my wife for making that same choice, knowing I was already having to grieve my three siblings choice. I can not even get myself to say the "s" word today. Today, I can not seem to get out of my emotional brain at all.

My therapist assures me that what I am feeling is movement forward and that it entirely understandable given the events in the last few days for me, and being reassured and knowing my therapist is right, I still feel like I have taken a mile backwards in this path of grief and loss and have to go over ground I thought I already had.

So far today has been a day of staying in my pj's, watching mindless TV, and obsessing about all that needs doing.

Do you ever just want to put your brain on pause?

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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I am ending my day on a higher note than I started my day. This is a good thing. I use to stay in these low points for days, weeks, and even months. To go from feeling like I was at the bottom of the mountain again to the top again, in one day is great! It is hard to see your progress in this healing when you feel your at the bottom of the mountain again.

Anyhow just wanted to share that I am comfortable that my brain is not on pause and in fact I am extremely grateful.

I wish everyone peace and continued healing....

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Hey Carol Anne,

Although I didn't like the bit where you were feeling rubbish (boo hiss) it's really encouraging to see you coming up quicker...just makes me feel more hopeful that one day I can do this too.

Hoping for bright days for all of us.

Hugs

Becka

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Carol Ann, I'm also glad you feel better, but it's completely normal don't force yourself to be in a good mood you can't always carry on of course we know the world doesn't stop moving, but having a brain pause day doing nothing just feeling down isn;t hurting anyone and if thats what you need to do then so be it!

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Hi Becka,

Thank you and although it is painful when we are in those lows, they are also neccessary for healing to occur I believe. I know you can do it Becka. I believe in you. It is when we distract ourselves, push it down, deny it, or whatever behavior we use to escape the pain, it does not take it away, it only causes it to "fester" and grow so the more we can let our pain out in the moment, the less of a monster it feels like and the more healing happens. This has been my experience anyhow.

Hi Hello123,

Thank you so much for your support. I agree with you that it is entirely OK to have those types of days and actually in my opinion quite neccessary for healing to happen.......it is just so hard to go through them alone....

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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hi Carol Ann,

am a bit late but wanted to write to you anyways. I'm glad your day ended on a higher note.

Sometimes I think those days in pjs, doing absolutely nothing are needed and are good for us, I definitely like my "veggie" days ! (always did even before this happened, just complete 100% ME days)

I do get the brain on pause thing, I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep, am trying lots of different things, sometimes they work for a bit then I go backwards again but there are times when I just simply want to flick an off switch in my brain, especially at night, when it's lights out time to sleep, it's like my brain then says "OH NO, NOW IT'S THINKING TIME". And sometimes my brain does go on pause temporarily, that numbness feeling .......it is a relief for a bit but like you I am always glad when the brain "restarts", the relief can be good but sometimes for me not feeling anything can be worse than feeling the pain and sadness.

anyways big ((hugs))) to you !

Niamh

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Thank you very much Niamh! This path is so hard as you know so it is always so good when we are supported.

I am happy to report that I am feeling much better now. It has been my experience that we are sometimes just ambushed with pain that seems to come out of nowhere and we weren't expecting it. I am happy that where I am on my path, I can just let myself feel and be comforted in knowing that more healing is occuring.

IN regards to sleep Niamh, sometimes I get the same thing happening and I call it 'mind chatter" and I find when this comes up, which is fairly rare now for me but when it does, I just write all my thoughts out and tell myself I will deal with it tomorrow. It works for me.

I have found Marty's site www.griefhealing.com a wealth of resources and comfort to help us along and I remember one that helped me before and I want to share it with you.

Always Too Soon

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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