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Feeling Melancholy Tonight

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Hello All,

Sending love and support to all. I am feeling melancholy tonight. Every year since Melissa died on VDay, I have always driven my bike to the spot by the water where we were wed, and thrown 2 roses into the sea, spent time in quiet contemplation and comfort remembering our love together.

This year I will be driving my car and it just doesn't feel right. I am not over ridden with pain or sobbing uncontrollably. I just feel this sorrow, this melancholy that my ritual has to change and I am not the one choosing the change. The change was decided for me and it just does not feel right....

Forever, Always, and Eternity my love.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Guest Nicholas

Dear Carol Ann,

I sympathize. I gave away Thanomsil's Thai CDs and DVDs to the local Thai restauarant on Saturday and that was very distressing. Today I have to pick the the Thai death certificate from the Embassy. Every day seems one depressing thing after another.


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Dear Nicholas,

Thank you for your post. Oh Nicholas, I know how much it hurts to be giving Thanomsil's things away. It is so hard and distressing I agree...thinking of you my friend. All the daunting painful things that one has to do after loss.

I hold you close in gentle prayer and thought, my friend.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Dear Rachel,

Thank you for wishing me peace today. I wish the same for you too. I will be at peace Rachel. I just feel this melancholy, not a debilitating kind of pain, not one that renders me weeping at all. Just this feeling of melancholy alongside.

It actually is a blessing that the first "huge" moment without my bike to be a part of it is today, Valentine's Day, for my love is very close, and I feel her wrapping her arms around me and beaming with pride as I she witnesses my growth.

I hope today especially that the "pain" of this path is kicked to the curb by all the love that each and every one of us has within our hearts forever.

So hold no sorrow for me Rachel for I could not feel more blessed, nor more loved, nor more joy, on this day especially. I can hold all those good feelings alongside the melancholy that I feel as well.

That is what I hope brings a sense of hope to all of you whose loss is still so new. That the day will come when you feel this melancholy alongside joy because the pain has eased and does not fill up all the space any longer, and makes it possible to feel other feelings too and not just this "all consuming pain"

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

ps: Every VDay since Melissa died my God brought me sunshine. Today is the first VDay, that it could not be raining any harder. These are the GodWinks that always happen for me. It is a lot easier to not have my bike today with such poor weather.

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