So Self Centred Since My Parents Died And I Hate It

[STARKISS]

Hi All, I do not know about other people but I have become so self centred since my parents died and i hate it so much.. I can not believe that i do not think of others so much like i used to... I used to think about other people and ask them how they are doing... Is this normal or am i just self centred fool... Shelley

[niamh]

hi Shelley,

I think to a certain extent do we become more focused on ourselves, absolutely because it's a survival thing, we are the only ones who can do this so we do focus more on ourselves. Sometimes I too feel like I am so selfish not "caring" about others but then I sit back and think about it and realise, no I'm not selfish there are just times when I cannot be as there for others as I could be before all this because somedays it has to be about only me.

I can tell you that from looking on the outside, I do not see you as somebody who is self centred, I've seen you post about other people you care about, other people you know who've had sick family and so on, haven't you done so much for your sisters children, helping out so much .

You've taken time for me, letting me know you are thinking of me..........so I think you are probably being too hard on yourself. Remember too that you have had SO much to deal since losing your parents, which had such a huge positive change last week. We are all only human and sometimes we have so much going on ourselves, trying to survive ourselves that it can be hard to also then be there for others.

I know there are times that I know if my Dad was still here then I would be able to be there a bit more for some friends who need it, but that's just not the case so I do the best I can.

((())))

Niamh

[BellaRosa]

Shelley, I have become very self-centered since my mother passed. I think this is probably normal and a survival instinct. I care about my husband and my father, and I do still care about other people, but I find that I place myself above other people I'm not as close with. I guess I feel like I'm the only who knows exactly what I'm feeling and going through, so I have to take care of myself. Most other people have unrealistic expectations and don't fully understand how the grieving process works. I also have very little patience for other people and their problems. I feel bad about this, but I can't help it.

[Chai]

Dear Shelley,

I do not think you should feel bad for being self centered. I think it is a natural part of having lost someone. We have lost someone who was very dear to us, and perhaps feel that we did not spend enough time or do enough for them before they passed away. So, now we are very eager to prioritize in our lives, since before our loss we took people and things for granted. Now we have a deeper understanding of how short life can be. We are instilled with a desire to focus on what is most important. So naturally we pay less attention to people who are not giving a lot to us; we want to have an equal give-and-take, and we want to spend time with those who we feel have something to offer. It may sounds somewhat harsh, but I think that is how it is. It is not that we love less; rather, we love more, and we condense our love to those who mean a lot to us, whom we spend much time with, who love us the most.

It only seems selfish because society has told us it is selfish. Society has taught that to spend time doing pointless smalltalk and talking to strangers about nothing for five minutes, etc., is "polite". Now that we have lost and are trying to prioritize our lives and our time, we do not want to give time for this "polite" stuff. We have realized that it is unnecessary. I am not saying that we should be rude or should not be polite; I am saying that pointless little things like smalltalk, we now do not have the patience for. We want to focus on what is most important to us.

So, we minimize the time spent with those who really don't count much in our lives, by avoiding them, or cutting them out. I would suggest cutting them out altogether. I don't mean friends and family; I mean just pointless stuff, like that person who always talks about small stuff that doesn't matter, or that five minute talk with the neighbor about her cat after work every day. Stuff like that is a time-waster, and to not want to spend time on that is totally understandable.

I am sorry if I came off harsh to anybody...but this is what I think. And Shelley, I get where you are coming from!

hugs, and best wishes to you,

Chai