BellaRosa

Sandy, I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother was beautiful! I lost my mom in November 2010, and I also was waiting for that one year anniversary because I thought that was going to be some kind of turning point. It wasn't. I found that I felt absolutely awful, completely depressed, during the days (weeks) leading up to the anniversary, but the actual day felt like any other. I'm married, and I still have my dad, but I also feel very much alone. I think there must be something about losing a parent that does this, because everyone I've spoken to (no matter how many other loved ones they had around) has felt the same loneliness. I agree with you about learning to live with the loss. This is something that I know I will never "get over" but instead will become a part of me.

My husband and I finally bought a house - we closed on the 28th. I thought I would be thrilled to get back into our own space with privacy and our own routine. We've been living with my dad for the past four months after our apartment amd most of our things were destroyed in the hurricane this past summer. Living with him has been great, although a little cramped. He's encouraged us from the beginning to look for a house so we can really start our lives together. Now that that time is here, I find myself freaking out about leaving him here alone. When I moved out of the house to get married, I didn't think twice about it. I knew my parents would miss me, but I'd only be 20 minutes away, and most importantly, they had each other. Now that my mom is gone, I hate the idea of my dad being in the house by himself, lonely. He's made comments the past few days about how much he's going to miss us and how nice it was having us here. It sucks because I feel like I should be more excited about buying our first house. I should be eager to move in and unpack. Instead, I keep searching for excuses to stay here longer. I'll only be ten minutes away, but it feels like a huge change. Just needed to vent to people who would understand.

I'm so sorry - my mom's anniversary was this past November. I found that the days leading it up to it were worse than the day itself. Like you, I feel a void without my mom. I find myself missing her and wishing I could talk to her about things that I probably would have never needed her for if she was still here. It's weird, because I was a completely independent, married adult living on my own, and now I feel completely lost without my mom. It has gotten better in the sense that I'm not a basket case everyday, but I still miss her constantly. I find that I tend to feel like I'm getting "better" and then I take a step backward. I think that's probably normal.

Thanks, Marty. I'm wondering if anyone else who has lost a best friend has felt like their other friends "don't measure up" anymore. I am blessed to have many friends and acquaintances, but I almost can't be bothered with any of them because I don't have the same relationship with them that I did with Christina. I always knew I could go to her with any problem and she wouldn't judge or criticize - she would truly listen to me and then offer sound advice. I feel like I don't have that with my other friends - not that they don't care, but it's just not the same.

My best friend of 23 years passed away on December 1st. We grew up together and were more like sisters than anything else; in fact, we used to get asked so often by strangers if we were sisters that eventually we just started saying yes. She had a diving accident in June 2005 that left her paralyzed from the chest down. It was devastating, not just to her, but to her family and friends as well. She has struggled these past 6 years to regain as much independence as possible, but unfortunately she has been completely dependent on others for even the simplest of tasks. She has suffered both physically and emotionally, and finally decided that she had suffered enough. She began researching her right to die well over a year ago and followed all the steps to make her wishes legal. On October 1st, she stopped eating, drinking, and taking medication (aside from pain medication). She was expected to last about two weeks, and instead she suffered for exactly two months spending some time in a hospice facility on horrible medication that turned her into a paranoid schizophrenic before she was released home with the proper medications and 24-hour nursing care. She finally slipped into a coma early last week and was gone early Thursday morning with her mother at her side. I lost my mom on November 17, 2010 and now I feel like I've lost a sister, too. I expected to be much more emotional. When my mom passed, it was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I thought the same thing would happen now. Instead, I feel somewhat "normal" - I use that term loosely since I am still very much grieving my mother. I'm wondering if it's just not possible to feel any more pain and if I didn't notice such a drastic change because my body and mind are still in "grief mode." She did not want a wake or a funeral, but left it up to her parents whether they would have a memorial service (or two separate ones as her parents are divorced). Her step-brother has arranged a memorial for tomorrow evening. As difficult as I know it's going to be, I'm also strangely looking forward to it, hoping that it will provide me with some closure and make this all feel real. Even though I spent last night helping her mom and sister pack up some things in her apartment, it still didn't feel truly real. I think that's partly because I've been mourning her ever since her accident - even though she didn't die that day, everything changed. Plus, I knew this was going to happen as she was very open and honest about what her plans and wishes were. I took off from work on Thursday and Friday last week. I work in a very small office (9 people) and all of my coworkers know why I was not there. Not one of them even said "I'm sorry" when I came in on Monday. I can't help but feel offended by this. Maybe they just didn't know what to say, or didn't want to upset me, but I just feel that it was so rude to not even acknowledge the loss. I know she wasn't blood-related, but that shouldn't matter. I keep telling myself that I'm just being overly sensitive and irrational. I think I've rambled on enough for now. Thanks for listening.

I just saw this and wanted to check in and see how you did yesterday. I'm sure it was a very difficult day, but it's nice that you tried to make something positive of it by helping someone else.

My very best friend of 23 years passed away at 9:30 am on December 1st, two months to the day from when she began this process. I feel like I'm in shock, which is confusing because I knew it was coming. I watched her decline. I knew what the end result was going to be. Apparently it's not possible to prepare yourself for loss. I went in and saw her a couple hours after she passed, which was a huge mistake. She looked awful, like something out of a horror movie. Her eyes were half open, as was her mouth, and her skin was a sickly yellow/gray. I wish I had never seen her like that. I am trying to look at pictures of her from years ago to erase that horrific image. Because she was such a huge advocate for spinal cord injury research, I feel like I should share her website and blog here: www.christinasymanski.com and http://lifeparalyzed.blogspot.com.

Hi Niamh, Thanks for checking in on me. I haven't been posting here much, but I do read. Almost 7 weeks later, and she is still with us. It's been exhausting and stressful and just plain awful. She was in a lot of pain and discomfort for the first few weeks. They admitted her to a hospice facility last weeks for a few days in order to get her pain medications figured out. They gave her something that made her have horrific hallucinations: she literally turned into a paranoid schizophrenic and was seeing and talking to people who weren't there. She didn't trust anyone, she thought we had all abandoned her, and it was the one of the most difficult things I've ever had to witness. Once they moved her back home, her sister (her health care proxy) refused that medication and she was put back on morphine. She is much more comfortable now, but still a little confused. She is sleeping a lot and very weak. Her doctor predicted (a couple weeks ago) that she would "make it through Halloween, but not Thanksgiving" - I don't know what to think about that, considering the original estimate they gave us was 2 weeks! I have a gut feeling that she will pass sometime at the end of this week. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. As much as I don't want this to be happening at all, I just want it to be over (for her and for us). Part of me kind of hopes that she does pass this week so that her passing will be within days of my mother's anniversary (the 17th). I know that probably sounds crazy, but I can't help but think that it would easier to get two anniversaries done with in the same week from here on out. That sounds awful, I know. Erin

Hi everyone. Today is the one year mark of when my mom collapsed and had to be rushed to the ER for the last time. We found out later it was a pulmonary embolism. I got a call from my dad around noon, and I thought that he was probably calling to remind me to pick up the laundry I left at the house the night before. Instead, he told me that my mom had been on the phone with the neighbor and had started coughing pretty bad. She hung up, but called the neighbor back and managed to get out the words "come over" so the neighbor rushed over and found my mom collapsed on the living room floor by the front door, with blood on the carpet and her clothes. Anyway, my dad just told me that she was "throwing up blood" and asked if I could go over to the house since I could get there faster than him. He even laughed and said that the neighbor is probably overreacting and that the "blood" was probably just all the red Jello my mom had been eating lately (the only thing she could manage to get down without excruciating pain). I hung up with him, told my boss I had to leave, and was home in about 5 minutes. I walked in the front door and found my mom lying on the floor unconscious, surrounded by blood, and with a big pot of blood sitting next to her. I will never forget that image. The EMT was working with her, the neighbor was standing in the dining room, and another EMT was sitting at the dining room table doing paperwork. I immediately went to help with the paperwork because I didn't know what else to do. Looking back, I don't know why I didn't kneel down and tell my mom I was there or even ask if she was okay. Shock, I guess. They got her in the ambulance and I climbed in the front seat just as my dad got there. I let him ride with her and I took my car. My husband met us at the ER. It was awful. I still remember the pathetic look the one EMT gave me as she was leaving and it was then that I knew that my mom was not going to make it. The ER doctor was a jerk, the nurse didn't know how to suction and I thought my mom was going to choke to death on her own blood. It was the scariest thing I've ever witnessed. Her pulmonologist got there and wanted to do a test, so we had to leave the room. I grabbed her hand, gave her a kiss on the forehead, and told her I loved her. She looked at me and mouthed back that she loved me, too (she couldn't speak because of the ventilator). I guess I should be glad we got to have that last exchange because a lot of people don't. Anyway, I won't ramble on about it. I just miss her so much and needed to share with people who would understand.

Thanks Niamh and Marty. She seemed fine last night. It's weird because she seems so normal, and she's definitely happier than I've seen her in years. I assume that's because she knows there's going to be an end to her suffering. It just makes it hard for me to come to terms with everything when she seems fine - even though I know underneath she's still miserable and in pain. She has a lot of visitors coming today and tomorrow, so I won't be seeing her again until Friday. Her mom and sister (her main caregivers) need a break, so they are going to stay with family since they know my husband and I will be there. Her aide will be sleeping over as well, just in case anything happens, but we doubt it will.

Well, today is the third day she has gone without eating. She is drinking only enough to take the pills necessary for her bowel/bladder issues. Her last bowel regime should be this Thursday, so once that happens she'll only be on morphine, xanax and remeron. I saw her last night and asked her how she was feeling. She said she's not hungry or thirsty, and she's not in any pain or discomfort. She seemed normal. I'm going down again tonight and tomorrow, and then plan to sleep over on Friday night. She thinks by then she might be getting pretty weak and sleepy, but I still want to be there.

Marty, my birthday is this Sunday so I am going to visit her next weekend to celebrate that (although I have to admit I am not in much of a celebratory mood...). That will probably be the last time I see her before she starts hospice as she leaves for her trip soon after that. We have both said many things through email (we write often, every day or every other day) and I feel at peace with our relationship - I don't know that there is anything left to say. I don't want next weekend to be a big goodbye, but I also don't think I can just leave like everything is normal. She has told me that she understands completely if I can't be there with her due to work and other responsibilities. I don't think a bedside vigil is necessarily realistic, but I'm worried that I might be a 'bad friend' for not doing that. I obviously want to visit her during her time on hospice, but I feel guilty for thinking of the amount of driving and how tired I'll be going down there and back after work. Then I think that she is more important than work, I mean we've been best friends for 24 years and she is more of a sister than anything else - shouldn't I be there for her last days?? I don't know. It's all so confusing.

Marty and Dwayne, thank you so much for your kind words and help. It's official: hospice begins on October 1st. I really don't know how to deal with this at all. She said that she was told she will probably go into a coma within a week and die within two. She said she knows I have work and other things going on (our apartment was destroyed in the hurricane and we're temporarily living with my dad until we can find a house), so if I can't be there with her it's ok. She lives about 45 minutes away. Obviously I would like to see her as much as possible, and I think I want to be there at the end, but how do I even begin to explain this to my boss?? I'm going to need time off, and I only have 2 official vacation days left. I am fine with taking unpaid time off for this, but I know I can't take the full time (since we have no idea how long she will last without food). Still, I feel like I need to notify my boss of what will be happening should I need to leave unexpectedly. I work in a really small office (8 people) and I know they will understand, but the idea of saying the words out loud to someone has me completely freaked out. Erin

Di, I know it's different but I've been struggling with everything my mom has missed since she passed. I used to enjoy stopping by the house after work and sitting on the couch with her to discuss the day's events - we would talk about everything from mundane things at work to things going on in the world. I hate that she doesn't know about any of that now. I was raised to believe in an afterlife, and I think I do, but I've been questioning that a lot lately and trying to decide where my mom really is now, if anywhere. It's all very confusing and exhausting. I think it's nice that you put his ashes on the workbench -- what a lovely thing to keep him somewhere he loved so much. Erin

Spika, it is still so early after you've lost your dad that I wouldn't think twice about your reaction. Your emotions are probably still so raw, and having to hear about another loved one being ill is a lot to handle. I lost my mom 9 months ago (today actually), and I still have incredible difficulty hearing bad news or anything cancer-related. Someone here had told me in the beginning that any emotion experienced during grief is normal, because there really is no "normal" for any of this. Since I lost my mom, I've become much more emotional, short-tempered, and I think my reactions to things are more severe than they were before. I think it's all part of the process. Erin

Kandy, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I don't have an answer, but I'd like to think that your mom was at peace and maybe reconnecting with friends and loved ones who have already passed on. About two days before my mom passed, she woke up from the coma she was in (medically induced) and opened her eyes sooo wide. She was looking up towards the ceiling where it meets the wall, but it seemed like she was looking through it, if that makes sense. She raised her arm and pointed at something that none of us could see. Years ago, my best friend's little sister passed away. She was in the hospital and right before she passed, she told her mom that it was time for her to go and that she would be ok because her angels had come to get her. She had been sick since she was born and talked about her angels frequently. Whenever I begin to question things, I think about that story and I feel some comfort.

So, she has decided that when she comes back from a long-awaited vacation (a 'last hurrah', of sorts) at the end of September that she is going to exercise her rights to refuse treatment/food/water and officially go on hospice. I feel like everything has come crashing down. I'm right back to where I was last year when my mom was sick, just waiting for something to happen. Waiting for it to end. And with her timing, she is going to end up passing right around the one year anniversary of my mom.

Susan, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom 8 months ago (almost 9 now) and I can hardly believe it's been that long already. It doesn't sound odd to me at all that you kept some of her things and still take them out. My dad and I are starting to clean out their house, and it's very difficult to get rid of her belongings. I've kept so much more than I need or have room for just because I can't bear to let go. I too ignored the signs that she was declining. She had lung cancer and had complications from the chemo... I kept telling myself that she would get better and everything would go back to normal once she finished treatment, but it was the treatment that killed her. It's hard to see things for what they really are when we're in the moment. Looking back, it is very clear. I can't feel my mom's presence either. I've had several dreams of her, but mostly she seems angry or upset in them so they're far from comforting! A couple of days before she passed, I asked her to please give me signs and let me know she's ok after she was gone, but I haven't really experienced anything. At least nothing that really truly felt like her sending me a message. I'm having a hard time lately grasping the fact that she's really gone. I would give anything just to talk to her. I still have moments everyday where I get that feeling like I want to call her and tell her something, but I remember that I can't. It's so unsettling to have your mind be in two places at once: on one hand knowing that she's gone, and on the other wanting to pick up the phone. I'm sorry that you had to join our group, but I'm glad you found your way here because everyone here is just wonderful. This board has really helped me get this far in my grief journey, and it's been a relief to be able to hear other people are having the same thoughts and feelings. Erin

Thanks everyone. I hate that you're all going through this too, but it's also a relief to have people who understand. I was just having a rough day yesterday, but am feeling a little more optimistic today. It gets overwhelming sometimes, and it's hard to imagine ever being truly happy again. Will everything always have this black cloud hanging over it? I do have good moments, but I still never stop thinking about her and I hope I never do. At the same time, I just want the pain to go away. I'm tired of dealing with this and want it to be over already, but the only way I want it to end is to have her back here again. I guess I just wonder, is this it? Is this how life is going to be from now on? I look at other people, strangers, and wonder how many of them have experienced a devastating loss. I think about my mom and how depressed she was (more so later in her life, as she got sicker) and I wonder how much of it was related to the loss of her grandmother (they were very close). We never talked about it because I was young when my great-grandma passed away, but I wonder how my mom dealt with it. Erin

It's been 8 months since I lost my mom, and I still feel absolutely miserable almost constantly. I get up, go to work, and put on a happy face in front of people, but I literally NEVER stop thinking about my mom. My thoughts range from just missing her, to remembering her in the hospital, to the moment she passed, to when before she was sick. It's constant. From the outside, most people would probably think I'm doing remarkably well dealing with the loss, but I feel like a shell of my former self. I'm depressed and angry and bitter and just different. I know I'll get through it because I have to -- time keeps moving forward and I have no option but to move with it. But is this it? I feel like I'll never be truly happy the way I was before, that everything will always be at least somewhat sad because she's not here. Is that how other people feel, and they just put on a happy face for show? Are they falling apart inside too? Erin

Electricalice, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I can really relate to all of what you said, as I'm sure you'll find from a lot of people here. As Niamh said, I'm sorry you had to join us but I'm glad you found us to help you through your grief. I lost my mom on November 17th to lung cancer, and although we knew she was very ill, we still never thought we would actually lose her. She was diagnosed only 5 months earlier, and I really thought she would be around to see me have children, buy a house, etc. She was only 61. "Special" days are especially hard. I was numb throughout Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, but her birthday in April was difficult as was the 6 month anniversary. Now that it's been 8 months, it's really starting to hit me how permanent this is. I feel like I've become a hypochondriac since my mom passed. I've suffered from anxiety and depression for many years, but it has been through the roof since she's been gone. I am also constantly in pain (mostly in my shoulders and neck), which I'm told is stress. I immediately assume that any little pain or cough is something horrible and I rush to the doctor. I'm also almost always in a bad mood and have very little patience for other people. I'm irritable and I snap at my husband and friends. Going to work is hard because I try to put on a happy face, but most of the time I'm just miserable. I feel alone too, mostly because I don't really know anyone else my age (in person) who has lost a parent. I do have one friend who lost her dad when she was 19, but that's it. Everyone else gets very uncomfortable if I bring it up, so I've stopped trying to talk to anyone about it and instead I come here and post when I'm having a particularly bad day. There is always someone here who understands. I know what you mean about it being difficult to be in your home. Although I didn't live with my parents anymore when my mom passed, I can't get the images of her collapsed on the floor out of my head. At first, I wanted to be at the house all the time because I felt close to her there. Now I find that it makes me more and more uncomfortable because the silence really is deafening. It's just a huge reminder that she's not there anymore, which is very hard to deal with. That coupled with the fact that my dad is starting to go through her things and make changes to the house is just too much for me to deal with most days! Erin

Hi Simi, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost mine in November, just over 8 months ago. The tears come less frequently, but that emptiness is still there and probably always will be. It's odd that I'm an adult (29) and functioned completely fine before, but now I just want my mom so badly. I feel so alone despite having a wonderful husband, my father, and friends. I'm glad you were able to feel your mom's presence around you. I haven't experienced this yet, and while it's discouraging, I am hopeful. I've had several dreams about her, but no real encounters during the day yet. Erin

I think it's nice you're taking your kids to grandma's, especially since it's somewhere you spent summer as a child. It's nice to continue traditions, and it will help you to keep her memory alive for them as well. I would give anything to just talk to my mom. I used to get annoyed at her for calling me so much -- how I wish I had appreciated those chats at the time. I would love to just walk in the house and find her sitting there and know that I can sit down and talk about anything at all. So much has happened these past 8 months and I hate that she's missed it all. Erin

I think you'll find many people here know EXACTLY what you're talking about! Since my mom passed, I have lost almost all of my patience, especially for other people's trivial problems. I especially have a hard time dealing with my friends when they complain about their own mothers. Really? At least you still have your mother here! I would give anything to have my mother annoy me! I think the problem is that people don't know how to deal with grief or a grieving person, so they try to ignore the problem and hope we'll all just get better on our own. My friends get visibly uncomfortable if I bring up stuff about my mom or my grief so I've stopped. Instead, I vent here to people who I know will understand and not judge me or ignore me. Erin

Benji, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. You're right -- no matter what age you are, losing a parent is not easy. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer at the end of June last year, and the entire time she was ill, my stress levels were through the roof. I too suffer from anxiety and depression, which seemed to just make everything that much worse. Spend time with your dad if you can and enjoy each other. While my mom was sick, we refused to admit that she might not make it through and we never discussed that option. Looking back, I wish we had. I wish I would have talked to her more about how she was dealing with everything (the cancer, the radiation, the chemo) and how she was feeling emotionally. Please keep us posted on his progress and how you're doing. Erin