Grandma I Miss You

[missingher]

My grandma died on october 12th 2010 and i am having a hard time even processing it still to thsi day. The events that happened still shock me. It was late september and i was in biology when i received a message from my mother stating that i needed to call her the second my class was over. Right away panic came to me like a flash of lighting cause my mother doesnt say those words unless it is important. At 5:30 pm i learnt that my grandma was in the hospital and was having trouble breathing. The first thing that went through my head was that it could have jsut been an ashma attack so i relaxed. AT 7:30 i was at the verdun catholic hospital where i learnt that the doctors had no idea what she had or what was wrong and that i had to wear gloves and a gown and a mask to even see her. My grandma was a strong woman therefore i refused to cry when i was near her. i walked in and i read to her and of course this caused a fight between my aunt and my dad but i didnt care because my grandma was on a hospital bed jsut staring me and struggling to survive. The next day i had a class at 8 and a huge break till 4 therefore i went back to the hospital. When i was there things where getting worst. Her veins collapsing her breathing becoming very minimal even with the nose tube attached to her her. I didnt what to leave her because soemthing in my body told me that something was wrong but my aunt was forcing me to go. She claimed shed call me if anything went wrong. I thought i could trust her o i went to my class. after the class i felt better sinc ie had received no call. At 8 o clock on my way home i received a call frommy mother to go meet my father at the hospital. I drove their and could not figure out what was going on. When i got their i learn very fast that my aunt didnt call me and that my two aunts did not want me at the hospital bt i didnt care. the nurse told me she was in intensive care and my whole body shot up in nerves. i spent days going back forth waitign to knwo what she had.... On october 6th i learnt that my grandma had MDS(meanign your cells get destroyed) what made it even worse was that she was in a self indugenced coma cause the doctors said ti was the only way to keep her alive. On oct.7th i learnt that my grandma was dieing because she had leukemia as well. I didnt knwo hwo to handle the news. It destroyed me but no was allowed to see the full damage. On my 18th birthday october 8th i spend the whole day in the waiting room waiting. The doctors have takign her out of the coma and takign the tube out of her... They had claimed she was doing better but the nurse on staff who i had befriended had be it wasnt the case and they were jsut trying ot let her die peacefully and not in pain. After that i couldnt go to the hospital ever again. On oct. 11th my entire family went to see her but i couldnt becaus ei was so scared and so hurt that i didnt want her to see me break down. I decided id go see her on the 12th between my class... On october 12th 5 minutes before my break i learnt that my grandma was dead. I didnt learn it through my family or friends but through facebook becaus emy aunt posted it up. I ran otu of class and i dont think i ever cried so hard. Till this day i feel like it was my fault. I should have been their i shoul dhave told eh ri loved her. The griefing after as been hell. caus ei wanted to say goodbye and didnt. i wanted to tell her i loved her and i couldnt...my two aunts made it worse by screaming at me tha tit was my fuatl and that i killed and tha ti always wanted her to die. I miss my grandma i miss the way she played her my hair when i hugd her to calm me down. I miss the logn conversations and i miss her. I am sorry this is long i jsut had to let it out...

[Ron B.]

Dear Missingher,

We all have different time lines for how and when we deal with grief. After having lost my Mom some 15 months ago, I can tell you that 4 months was just the early stage of my own grief. So give yourself plenty of time to process the passing of your grandmother. You are so right, though, in pointing out how we are traumatized by the process of watching a loved one die. I was my mother's caregiver in the last months of her life, so I saw everything. I was with her as she died, and this still traumatizes me today. Like you, I'm still trying to digest the experience. But I have recovered from the early raw stage of grief. I can tell you that the pain will gradually diminish and your thoughts and feelings will gain clarity over time.

About blaming yourself for what happened, please know that most of us here have had similar feelings. We tend to replay all the events in our head, thinking we could have done something to prevent the death of our loved one. Or we have regrets that are persistent. Please don't get stuck in guilt, unless you've actually done something clearly wrong! Many of us need help or guidance to process some of these more difficult feelings and emotions. Are you seeing a mental health professional, or are you participating in a grief recovery group? I waited 4 to 5 months before I finally consulted with a psychologist.

You mention trouble with your aunts. I too had trouble with family members, but it was with my siblings. My siblings and I were thrown together in very close contact for months when my Mother was ill. There were still unsettled feelings and even some animosity in the early months after my Mother passed. But now, fortunately, we have reconciled and are cordial with one another. Time does help the healing process.

About this forum: The collective experience with grief here is vast. The forum is moderated by a professional grief counselor (Yea Marty!). If we can't find solutions to specific issues you post about, then at least we will actively listen, and your concerns will be understood. While most of us are still struggling, we all seem to gain some strength from this community. I am glad you found us!

Ron B.

[niamh]

hi missingher,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dear Grandma and I'm so sorry you didn't get the chance to say goodbye to her. I didn't get that chance either with my Dad, I don't think it would have made any of this any easier but it's just another thing I want and can't have.

It absolutely wasn't your fault and it was an awful thing for your Aunts to say that to you, I hope deep down you know that it wasn't.........how could it be, it just COULDN'T.

Sometimes family are the worst people to provide support to someone because everyone is trying to cope with the loss, the shock, the horror and everyone will process it all so differently.

Wow, I'm sorry to you had to "hear" through facebook, that is beyond horrible.

Of course you miss your Grandma and so many things of what she did for you ......sometimes I find it's the small little things that people don't realise can affect us, something as simple as her playing with your hair as you say.

When my Grandma passed away when I was younger, I wasn't there either. she was very sick in hospital and my parents were away on vacation. She was my Dad's mother and I was extremely close to her, I was the only granchild living in her city. My Dad had told her brother and so had I to make sure they called me if she got worse, regardless of the time of day or night. Well, they didn't, they waited until a reasonable time the next morning to call me........I was so angry, it's always stayed in the back of my head that my Uncle didn't think to call me, he didn't think there was any point in me going up there in the middle of the night. That should have been my decision.

Please know that you can come here, let it all out as you say, we will listen and share, write as much or as little as you like! We can't fix anything for you but hopefully you will come to know that you're not as alone as you might feel right now.

sending a big ((hug)) your way

Niamh

[nanasbaby]

Missin Her. Im sorry for your loss. You are very courageous and thoughtful. You mentioned something that was my fear while my mother was quite ill. I feared I would find out about her passing on facebook. I think family members should be very careful when posting such news on facebook. For instance, the day she passed away a relative posted it on her page. I didnt want it posted on facebook because then I would have to look at it every day. So after she posted something..I was forced to make the announcement via facebook. I left the post up for about fifteen minutes. Anyway, Im very sorry about your grandmother...hope you are finding peace and comfort.