I Thought Crying Was Considered Therapeutic

[Guest Nicholas]

I was always told that crying was therapeutic, rather than keeping one's emotions in check. Then I read this article on Wikipedia - not always a reliable source, I know - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief and it concentrated on George Bonanno, someone I had never heard of before. He seems to have proved - and I haven't read his book, I might add - the very opposite and casts doubts on the long accepted Kubler-Ross stages of grief.

Does anyone have a take or further information on Bonanno's research - or has anyone read his book?

Thanks

Nicholas

[niamh]

hi Nicolas,

I haven't read that book you mentioned but I have read a lot over the last year and seen those so called stages rebuffed. Kuebler's initial study/interviews were actually done with those who were dying but it somehow was applied to grief and bereavement over the years, perhaps because it was one if not the first study done on anything related to death.

I don't believe in any stages at all, it's all too chaotic for stages. From the moment this happened I did read about those 5 stages and they just never made sense to me, I was feeling so much more and thought I was going crazy because I had all these extra feeling in addition to those 5 stages. Thankfully after lots of reading and googling my feelings, emotions and coming here I realised I was actually normal, not losing my mind just because I wasn't fitting into these stages.

I know other research over the years have put different spins on grief just like Bonanno and his trajectories. For me personally I wish people would stop trying to categorise grief, but I guess it's human nature in a way to want to have things "organised" but grief is the one thing that cannot ever be organised.

I've seen first hand people trying to slot themselves into a stage of grief and struggling to do so ..........because you can't slot yourself into any specific stage, the stages are only a handful of emotions that we can feel all at the same time, or chop and change between them a matter of split seconds and when one doesn't fit into any specific stage or trajectory it can place additional pressure and worry that the bereaved really do not need.

Marty posted a good article "the myth of closure" in the news section and at the end of this article is a link to another article well worth reading "The Myth of the Death, Dying and Grief."

Crying I definitely believe is a good thing and always did .......emotional tears have a different chemical make up than say sting from onions or something, the contain a natural painkiller.

Crying doesn't take away my pain but I feel like it gets something out of my system, at times I just feel like my entire body could just burst open with the pain and so the tears generally come and I go with it......I guess it feels like the crying stops my insides from exploding (which I know they probably couldn't anyways but sure feels like that !!) so I won't be stopping those tears anytime soon.

Here's a good article on crying and tears "how crying can make you healthier".

I plan to stick to my crying and my tears anyways, it's healthy and all good

Niamh

[mfh]

If you go to this link on Amazon and scroll down to the reviews that give the book one star:

http://www.amazon.com/Other-Side-Sadness-Science-Bereavement/product-reviews/0465013600/ref=cm_cr_dp_hist_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&filterBy=addOneStar

you will see that this book has been discredited and see some of how unscientific it is. Reviews here are presented by professionals as well as lay people who grieve.

I am sure you can find other reviews that state more realistic attitudes and findings about grief.

As for me- I am where I am....and right now I am in pain about losing my spouse.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones, there is nothing of substance I can add to your excellent responses to the questions Nicholas has raised. I can only echo what Niamh and mfh have already said. I greatly appreciate the link to Patricia Anewalt's cogent review of Bonanno's book on Amazon, as I had not read it before. I have read The Other Side of Sadness, and I agree completely with Anewalt's review. We've discussed repeatedly in these forums the myth of the five stages of grief (see, for example, this post) and we hold fast to the belief that each person's grief experience is unique to that individual, because so many factors are involved. I have no problem with Bonanno's being in praise of resilience, but the simple fact is that some of us are more or less resilient than others, for many different reasons. For additional comments on the therapeutic value of crying and tears, see Crying.

[Guest Nicholas]

Thank you all so much for your considered and detailed responses - I was worried for a while thinking that maybe I shouldn't be crying so much after all.

Anyway, today it is 4 months since my son passed to his next life, it is also our Royal Wedding - and I know which of the two "events" I will be crying about.

Thanks again,

Nicholas

[niamh]

hi Nicolas,

you're very welcome. I'm sorry for the extra tough day today is, 4 months, so little time, yet a lifetime too.

All I can say is no amount of research done by anyone can tell you how you "should" deal with the loss of your dear son, if you cry loads, if you cry little, the only thing I think matters is that you do what you need for YOU and there is nothing wrong with it, just because it may differ from someone else or from sample of people definitely doesn't make it wrong.

sending you a comfort (hug) and a wish for peace today,

Niamh

[Guest Nicholas]

Dear Niamh,

Thank you again for your kind words; yes 4 months, seems like a lifetime ago. And while the whole of the UK is celebrating, I am sat here thinking what might have been. My son would have loved today being an ardent monarchist. I didn't even watch it and don't want to hear about it.

Nicholas