Why Suicide Mom?

[Guest luna_blue]

Hello,

I am new to the site and this is my first post.

My mother committed suicide when I was 17 years old, its been three years and it still feels like the first day I had to live without her.

The sadness that I am feeling has gotten so great that I need an outlet and I feel as though this site can be that for me, so here is my story...

I moved from my mom and in with my father and step-mother (who took me in as her own daughter and has been nothing but a wonderful women to me

and whom I love very much) when I was five. Mom couldn't take care of me any more because she was a drug addict however, I never have and

never will think of her as that, she was my mother and loved me very much. I wouldn't see her often, but she would call every night and every

night I would guard the phone with me life. When we did see each other she would take me to eat or we would just drive around together.

She had always been a little "odd" (probably because of her addiction), but as the years past she started to become completely irrational.

She made claims that my father and I were close friends with the government and were out to get her, or that we were secret agent spy's watching

her every move, but through out all of this "craziness" she was always my mother. Then one day my father knocked of my bedroom door and handed me

a note that said, "[my name] and [my fathers name] i love you." It didn't register what was happening until my father told me she was dead (he

didn't have to tell me it was suicide, I knew). He found her in his truck that he was allowing her to live in, she was tucked in a sleeping

bag with a bottle of pills and a bottle of alcohol, he said he rushed her to the hospital but it was too late...

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. Any little thing can set me off in a depressed mood, even the littlest of things.

The other day I heard a girl calling her mom, her mom picked up and answered, "Hi sweetie," I immediately burst into tears. As I mentioned

before, I has an outstanding step-mother, but anyone who has a step-parent can hopefully register with me when I say, nobody can take the place

of my mother.

So now I'm stuck at a stand still. I'm not moving forward and I'm not moving backward. I'm crying almost everyday and I don't know what to do,

who to talk to, or how to move on. I just want to know, why suicide mom? Was I not reason enough to pull through your addiction, was the

though of my graduation, wedding, and birth of my future children not reason enough to stick it out? Was my unconditional love for you not

enough for you to come to me with your problems? I would have helped her, I would have used every resource in the world and within my grasp for

her. I miss her with all of my being.

Thank you for reading my dear friends. Thank you for taking the time to share my pain and experience my troubles. I would love some input.

-Luna

[mfh]

Dear Luna,

You are so young to have to deal with so much pain. I am so so sorry about the loss of your mother. I am also so impressed that you could see past her addiction to the woman who loved you. We all grieve differently. I lost my husband 13 months ago and actually the pain is just as hard today as it was a year ago. I took advantage of our local Hospice center and participated in a spousal loss group. I know the centers have free groups that focus on a variety of losses and it really helped me. I also see a grief counselor. You might consider these to assist you through these dark and painful days. This site is also very helpful and supportive as we are all grieving a loss here but face to face assistance means a great deal. I will watch for your posts and i know others will help also as best we can. Your mother's choice to suicide makes this loss all the more difficult for you. I am just so sorry. We are all here for you. mfh

[hello123]

Dear Luna, I am so so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that you ask a lot of questions about why you weren't enough but it sounds like she was ill and just how when people are physically ill when they are mentally ill they can't help what they are thinking/doing. So don't ever think it was because you weren't enough xx

[niamh]

hi Luna,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. You've definitely come to the right place to talk about this. This site has been and still is a lifeline since I lost my Dad 16 months ago.

I'm so sorry too that your Mom was sick but as you say she is your Mom and I've no doubt she adored the ground you walked on.

I wish we could get the answers to our questions, I wish you could know the answer to why your Mom took her life, it's so hard not having any answers when we lose somebody, it's so frustrating. (and that's an understatement!)

I too find it's the smallest thing can upset me and it's perfectly normal. When I hear people even mention their Dad not to mind stories about something their Dad did, said, helped with, it hurts so much. Of course it's upsetting to hear someone else talk to their Mom, hearing a Mom call her daughter sweetie, these are the things that people in general tend to forget after the services but it goes on everyday for us.

I am glad you had a great Step-Mom and yep you are so so right, nobody can or ever will replace your Mom.

I feel for you when you ask the question why ? Although my Dad passed suddenly I too have many of the same questions as you. I think maybe from reading stories about people who have died for a few seconds, come "back from the light" and all that, it makes me wonder too why didn't my Dad come back from it, was it too nice there to bother coming back to me & Mom in this cruel world. I think deep down I know it probably wasn't his choice but the questions are there and will be I think until the day I see him again. Although circumstances are different, I too think with your Mom it simply was no longer a choice she had either, absolutely nothing at all to do with you............I can't even imagine the pain for you and all I can do is hope so much that you don't blame yourself and that although you have the questions that deep down in your heart you know your Mom loved you and that there was nothing you could have done to prevent this. It's easy for someone on the outside to say that to you when they are not living with your pain and questions.

I don't know what your beliefs are but my Dad always believed your time is up when it's up ........I've always believed that too but yes it's been shook to the core, wondering if I could have done more at the hospital, wondering if the hospital could have done more, should have done more. I think part of me will always think yeah if x,y,z was done my Dad would still be here and I wouldn't be living this nightmare, but another part of me does too think nothing would have changed this because his time was simply up in this life. It doesn't make any of it any easier, it doesn't give me any comfort, I think all it does is stop any guilt from truly eating away at me.

I hope you will find some tiny bit of peace just sharing with us here Luna, knowing that we can relate in part to some of how you feel and what you are going through. None of us will ever know exactly how anyone else feels after losing a parent, but we can certainly relate and everything always makes sense to us in the crazy chaos of grief.

sending lots of hugs, love and comfort your way

Niamh

[DebFromLodi]

I am not sure if this will help you, but i hope so. I am 59 years old now. When i was in my 20's I started doing speed. It was my life. i loved it. When i was introduced to "crank", I was in Heaven. It is such a powerful addiction. I only snorted, thank God. It controlled my life until 3 days after my 40th birthday when I was arrested and have been clean ever since. I was a terrible mother but thank God we lived with MY mom, who helped to raise my daughter. When I met my curent husband, I moved in with him and left my daughter to live with my mom. I loved my daughter so much, as your mom loved you. I just couldn't be the mother she needed. I never considered suicide, thank God. Since i am clean, my daughter and I have a very close relationship. In fact she and her husband live across the street from me. The point I am trying to make is that your mother did love you. The drugs took over here life and she probably felt there was no way out for her. I can understand what she probably felt but I also know what i put my daughter through. I am so sorry for your loss but please try to not take it personally. By that I mean that it was your mom's problem she was unable to break away from. Unless you have ever been adicted, it is hard to understand but even harder to explain to someone who has not been there. Talk to her often and ask God for a sign. You need peace. If you could talk to someone professionally and let them help you sort it out. I can only speak for myself, but I know how much i loved my daughter and how hard it was to leave her with my mom. But i could not be a mother to her and probably would have ended up losing custody to the State. Your mom was trying to protect you by letting your dad have you. She knew you would be raised in a good, loving home. The kind of home she was not able to give you. First you have to find a way to forgive her for taking her life. I wish i could help you by what i went through. I will pray for you to deal with this.

[Orangecowgirl]

I'm on this group because I lost my mother to breastcancer a month ago, but I also have experience with losing a loved one to suicide. My best friend killed herself and although I knew it was coming some day, it was still such a shock when it really hapened. Of course I went thru the why didn't I see, why didn't I do more, what if I had done this or this, what if I hadn't said this or this...but after a while I was able to see that it was her choice and had nothing to do with me. Life was just too hard for her and the pain was too much. She had been abused by 2 men in her family for years and she had spent years trying to get over that. In the end the bad guys won because she didn't have the strength to deal with the pain anymore.

Looking back, I can only be grateful for the love and support I could give her. I know I couldn't safe her, but at least I let her know I loved her and accepted her. When I read your story, I think you managed to do the same for your mother. Perhaps you can find comfort in that? You gave her love and some good moments. And try to remember that it was her choice and had nothing to do with you! You ask why you weren't enough for her...well, that's a fair question, but your mother was so deep into the darkness that she just couldn't deal with it anymore. Very likely you were the reason she managed to hold on for so long.

Losing a mother hurts so deeply and I can't imagine how much worse it hurts to know that your mother made that choice. I just really hope for you that you can find a way to understand that it wasn't you, it had nothing to do with you and you gave your mother so much!

[sunstreet]

Dear Luna,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. Your Mother's choice to end her life had nothing to do with you at all. You are not to blame at all. I am also bereaved by suicide; my wife, my sister and my brother all chose suicide. I have been where you are at now in your grief. I want to encourage you that I am not there any longer and that I moved through the pain that rendered me dysfunctional. I encourage you to seek out a group specifically for those who are bereaved by suicide.

I am so proud of you that you could see that your Mother's addiction was not all that defined her and that you were able to see your Mother. What a blessing you were to your Mother.

Keep reaching out here...you have found a wonderfully safe non-judgmental family here.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann