My Second Birthday Since Dad Passed

[Daughter2010]

Well, I have not posted in a while and I felt I needed to express my feelings about my second birthday since Dad passed.

My b-day was early April, on the 4th (I know it was over a month ago), and I was doing ok the days before, but somehow that day I felt a bit sad because I didn't have my father to sing happy b-day to me or to talk to. I didn't express it at the time because I couldn't. I wasn't ready to write or express this without breaking down and cry inconsolably. I cry because I miss my father, I know he is ok but I still miss him. It is natural, I am only human.

I woke up that day, looked at the picture of my family (the 5 of us) and couldn't help but think about Dad not being here. I thought about the miracle of life, and how 30 decades ago,a baby-girl was born and Dad was so happy to have her. I thought about how we evolve, how we grow and what the love of a father means. How will it be when I have children? My married friends that are parents simply say, a child is a part of you, is the continuation of our very existence. I thought, I am a part of my father and my mother, and Dad is not here. I am still adjusting, I don't know if I ever will completely. It was a treasure to have my father here, for 30 years of my life. My father was a gift from God. He taught me so much without speaking loud, he led by example. I always told him how much I love him, but of course, now that he is not on earth, I want to tell him a million times more I love him, and miss him.

It has been 18 months since he passed and I still can't put up pictures of him near me, except for that one picture with the entire family. Dad left us his legacy, his example. There are times I feel this entire situation is surreal. I grieve because we are separated, yes it is tough, but I need to carry on.

Dad was able to work on what he wanted, his passion.He lived a short life, but enjoyed many moments of it. When the end of my life comes I want to be able to say I enjoyed my life, I was able to do things I wanted to do. I also thought, if I were to die tomorrow, would I feel my life is fulfilled? Probably not, and then I remembered life is made of all those little moments and it doesn't happen by itself. You have to be involved. That thought brought me to look after my family, pursue dreams, achieve goals, and attempt to enjoy life.

I know through grief it is difficult to see beyond one day, one hour, one minute and even one second. The afternoon before my father passed, people kept telling me may God give you the strength to endure this, and I didn't quite understand.

You don't get to understand grief until it happens to you!

When that occurs, you can understand others, relate and share experiences. In the beginning of this journey I didn't think I would have the strength to get through this, I couldn't even understand what was happening to me and what I was feeling. I see the Lord has been carrying me through all this time. I am a forever changed person, this situation has shed a different perspective on life, a new appreciation for every moment.

I believe every event in our lives shapes our character, and the passing of our parents is significant one. I know I carry my father's legacy and I know in my heart I will always miss my father. I also know I need to continue and live. Parents teach their children to take steps in life, and Dad has done that even though he is no longer on earth. His legacy and example lives in my heart and I know he would push me to continue my life journey. To dream, to love, to pursue, to accomplish.

Daddy I love you very very much, I am very proud of you and I know I will see you again.

To all of you, thank you for being there. Even though we are in a club we didn't want to join, we have held each other. When our arms are down, we have lifted each other up and for that I am grateful. You all have been there in the middle of the storm and we will continue to help each other as we go along.

A big big big hug for all of you,

-L

[loulou]

daughter,today,this post has brought me to tears.It's been a year and 3 months since mine died,and I have had my 2nd bday.Today my brother is driving to ohio by himself to spread some of his ashes in dads home town.My heart is so heavy that I cant go,and I miss my Dad so much right now,that I dont know what to do with the grief.I feel that we are a part of our parents,and now that he is gone so is a great part of me.The waves of pain come and go,sometimes I feel so strong that I'm proud.Lots of times I feel so heartbroken I dont feel I will ever get over it.I know that I always feel that no one in my life understands or even cares.I'm sorry for your saddness.I know it so well.I feel like my dad has been coming through with signs,subtle ones lately.I hope its true,and maybe thats why I have been missing him so much.Good luck on this journey.To us all.xoxo