Tired Of Being Laughed At

[Babypod]

Hello Everyone,

First I want to add the disclaimer that I was raised by my Grandma - so although she was "just a Grandma" (something I am hearing a lot) she was my Grandma, mom, and best friend for most of my life.

I know we all grieve in different ways - but the way my family acts is just offending me. First of all - I am trying to do the things that Grandma thought were very important - scrubbing the head stones of my Grandpa, Aunt, and Grandpa's family before memorial day. She always did that - she thought that was very important - so I did that this year. Well - Aunts, Uncles, and mother just think it is funny that I did that, "She isn't here to see it." Her house - her house was her castle. Her and my Grandfather built that house - laid every brick with their own hands. She always kept her house spotless and smelling good. Well since she passed away a lot of people have been in her home and it was a mess - so I went over there to clean it since she would just cry if she saw it that dirty. Again - Aunts, Uncles, and mom laugh about that "What does it matter." Today, I opened the door to clean it and the house didn't smell like her house anymore - it smelled like cigarettes - like 100 people had been in there smoking non stop. My eyes watered up and I couldn't even breathe. Now - Grandma never smoked. I called my mom and told her her and my one aunt probably shouldn't be smoking in there like they are - told her how bad it was (the house is all closed up so the smell is in every fabric and carpet now) - she just laughed at me and said, "It isn't going to smell like her anymore - she is gone." That is BS- she smelled like her house and now the house smells like ciggies so bad I can't even walk in there.

I am just so appalled at the lack of respect these people have towards their own mother. She loved her house - really loved her house - and they trash it and make it smell like ciggies. The family decided to keep it for now - since in this market they might get 10,000 for it in US dollars (housing market is really bad up here) - and I am glad about that - but they are trashing it. I would rather see it sell for next to nothing to someone who will not trash it than watch what they are doing to it. It just hurts because I know how much my Grandmother loved her home. It is nothing special - a 1949 block home - needs a roof - needs wiring - still decorated like it is 1949 - you know - a Grandma's house - but it was her castle and the fact that they forget that - with her only being gone a month and a half. It just upsets me.

And they laugh at me because I am so upset. They think it is funny. They are laughing at me. How can they be like this. Grandma was the most loving and giving person I have ever met - never judgemental. She went hungry so they could eat. She went without so they could have. And she never said a word about it - she just did it. Now they are there like scavengers - going through her stuff - and trashing her home. I don't care if she isn't here to see it anymore - it is her home. Have some RESPECT!

And to make things even more frustrating - I am just a grandchild. I get no say. Doesn't matter that she raised me. Doesn't matter that I was closer than to her that most of them. I am just a Grandchild - so I see them destroying her house and tossing away the things she loved and I can say and do nothing about it. I feel so helpless and heartbroken. She didn't deserve this - in life or death. Listening to these people plan her funeral and all they could say was "Cheap" - makes me want to vomit.

Sorry for venting - I am just so upset. It is like none of them care. They were so mean to her most of her life - they made her cry so many times - and now the wail and cry - yet they treat her home like this. Just makes me sick. I so miss my Grandma. At least now I know she will never be without again.

[Guest Nicholas]

Dear Babypod,

It may not be my position to say so, as I do not know your family, but judging from what you have written, they are utterly disrespectful and downright rude. I find it hard to believe that relatives can behave so callously, clearly they didn't love your Grandmother in the same way you did, this happens. Not all members of families get on (neither of my sisters bothered with my Grandmother and I was the only one to attend her funeral, even if it was in Paris).

You must do what YOU perceive to be the right thing to the best of your abilities and try as tactfully as possible to tell the others how you feel and why you are doing what you are doing and why you feel the need to do so.

No member of my family nor friend would EVER have behaved in this manner to my late son, if they had, I would sever all contact immediately. No one has told me what I should or shouldn't do with his bedroom or clothes, quite the reverse, they have all offered to help when I am ready. I did have a minor misunderstanding with my son's partner regarding the ashes, but that was all it was. Mind you, I did have a major disagreement with his family in Thailand (he was adopted) who were only after his money and I soon told them where to shove it and they are no longer in contact.

So be resolute in your beliefs and hang on in there; all you can do is try your best for yourself and your Grandmother.

Be strong.

Nicholas

[niamh]

hi Babypod,

Wow, I am so sorry for how your family are treating you and your dear Grandmother's memory. I too agree with Nicholas, it is so disrespectful to both you and your Grandmother.

I'm sorry too people are not giving you the right you deserve with regards to your grief, while as a relative "type" she was technically your Grandmother as you say yourself she was your Mom, your best friend so what does a technicality matter, you have the right to be in pain, to be devastated about losing her.

I think it's absolutely lovely that you now try to do the things that were important to your Grandma. I too find that with my Dad, I try to do for my Mom the things he did, what mattered to him & try to do things the way he did them.............there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and it's not something someone should laugh at ......in a way I feel pity for someone who would laugh at such a thing because they obviously don't know the depths of the relationship and love you shared with your Grandma and even more than that what she has instilled in you as a person. So she's not phsyically in this world anymore, I like to think while you're scrubbing those headstones your Grandma is right there watching, so proud of you and thinking she did dam well when raising you.

That's awful that they are smoking in the house when your Grandma never did, I completely get your wanting to keep your Grandma's scent in the house, that smell is such a close link.

I feel so sad that they make you feel like "just a grandchild", I have so little tolerance (zero actually!) for people without compassion these days because you should not be made to feel like this, sounds to me like your were your Grandma's life.

All I can say is keep doing the things you want to do that were important to your Grandma and I hope you can try to believe that she's right there with you all the time proud as punch that you carry on her traditions.

sending you ((big hug)), lots of comfort and love,

Niamh

[Babypod]

Thank you. I know I am going the other extreme and would love to purchase the house and all the contents and keep it as a shrine. We are moving in a couple of weeks - moving 1400 miles away - I would love to purchase the house and spend summer's there with my children. My Grandma would have loved the thought of my kids spending summers at her house - playing in the yard - living in the home they built. I even tossed that idea towards my husband - he wasn't real fond of it.

I just feel so helpless. I am usually such a control person - don't cry in front of others - always be strong - but I just can't be right now. It was like the last couple of years of her life when I knew there were things that would help her - I tired so hard - but no one would listen to me. I was "just a Grandchild" and had no say in her care - even though I know my aunt was mean to her.

I miss her so much. She deserved so much more from her family than this. She did everything for us and this is how they act.

Sorry for this vent.

[BellaRosa]

Babypod, this breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that your family is acting this way and giving you a hard time about how you're grieving. I see nothing wrong with doing things your Grandma would have done -- in fact, I think it's great! I try to do the same thing with my Mom. I find myself doing things the way she used to, just as a sign of respect for her and a way to keep her involved in our lives.

I know what you mean about wanting to keep the house a shrine. It was hard for me to see my dad change little things around the house after my mom passed -- he didn't change much at all, but I would have preferred to keep everything EXACTLY as she left it! I know that's not healthy, but it's hard not to feel that way.

Erin

[hello123]

Babypod I am so sorry too it sounds awful that they didn't respect her as much even though she raised them and made so many sacrifices. At least she has you to be respecting her memory, you should make a stand and if they dismiss you and what you say just don't back down from what you say you are an adult so they can't patronise you if you are stubborn and demand to have a say it what's going on. It's so disrespectful but I guess most people are greedy even family but at least you cared and were there with her and she had you!