Loss Of My Mother, Loss Of My Whole Life...

[ashleybatt]

everyone who has lost someone they love, i am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my mother about two years ago from lung disease. She was my best friend and since her death my life has felt meaningless. My friends and fiance try to understand but they have never dealt with loss of a parent. She was my only parent and i dont have a big family so it was always her and I. My brother and sister are older and werent very close with her like i was so I am grieving differently then them. They are moving on quite well but i cant seem to. I am not alone in life but without her i feel utterly alone. i relive the last moments always feeling guilty thinking i could have done more for her. The sadness is overwhelming. Sometimes i feel like i will never regain a sense of happiness again. i just want to feel better. even though no one actually says it they expect me to move on. I will be married soon, knowing my mother will not watch my walk down the aisle or my future children not knowing how wonderful she was is heartbreaking. The day my mom died a piece of myself died as well. I dont know how to feel better.

[Guest Nicholas]

Hello, you will find that everyone on here is either in a similar position or has been and all offer very helpful advice. I thought my life was over when my mother died back in 1979 when I was just 19, but it didn't. Now I feel even worse than I did back then - sorry to be so down - having lost my son in December.

I am sure you will get good sound advice on here.

Take care

Nicholas

[niamh]

hi ashleybatt,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom and welcome to this site. I lost my Dad suddenly almost 18 months ago and to say it's a constant living nightmare is such an understatement. I wish I had words of comfort but i think you know as well as so many of us here there really aren't any.

I too feel very alone in life now, although I still have my Mom and we are so close but as you say they day you lost your Mom a piece of you died, I feel that about myself too. Something just left with my Dad and there's such a gaping hole now that nothing nor nobody can ever fill.

For me personally I just think all I can do is learn to live with it, I don't believe I can "get over it" (whatever that really means !!!) and all those phrases people use, I am just trying to live with it as best I can and for me I think I will pretty much spend the rest of my life learning to live with it. Nothing will ever be "normal" again, that old normal is gone.

Like you I too feel like I won't ever regain happiness, to a certain extent I feel like i no longer actually comprehend that word or feeling. And even if there comes a day where I feel "happy" it will always be stained with my Dad not being here for whatever it is. I still find it hard to grasp that the happiness I once knew is truly gone forever on this earth, the innocence of the way life used to be is gone now.

I'm sorry you won't have your Mom to walk you down the aisle, I am not married or anywhere close, now the thought of it freaks me out and I can't think of it actually, Dad was supposed to be here for that so not it's something I can't imagine doing.

All I can say is that there are so many kind caring non judging people here and although we all deal and grieve differently, our grief is as unique as each of the relationships we had, there are times when we can relate to each other, have some understanding and somehow it give the tiniest little comfort to just know someone else on this earth can nod and agree with what you feel and think........so as alone as we all feel, we get it and sometimes it numbs the sting ever so slightly.

We all know we cannot fix each other, we can't take away the pain but we can share and keep each other company along this dark road. This site has been a lifeline to me over the last 12 months. As good as friends are, they have not and are not living what I am so it's good to be able to talk with those who are living it right now.

sending lots of love, comfort and a ((((hug)))) your way

Niamh

[BellaRosa]

Ashleybatt, I lost my mom in November to lung cancer and everything you wrote is EXACTLY how I feel. I feel so lost and alone, even though I have a wonderful husband, friends, and my dad. Even thinking about having kids now makes me incredibly depressed because she won't be here to experience it with me, and my children will never truly know her. I replay the last year or so in my head and go over all the things we could have done differently, thinking that maybe there's a chance she might still be here.

Unfortunately I don't have much advice, but I wanted to let you know that there is someone out there who can relate to what you're going through. I'm glad you found this site because it has been SO helpful to me these past 6 months and hopefully it will be for you, too.

Erin

[2sweetgirls]

Hello Ashley,

First let me start by saying how very sorry, from the depths of my soul, I am for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom almost 19 months ago and my dad 8 months ago. Life was forever changed when mom died. She was not only my mother she was friend, confidant, cheerleader, mediator......just everything. The day she died dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, which he fought valiantly, until he lost the fight 10 months afterwards. I have 2 children so they help to distract me but, I have my moments just like everyone else. For instance, I was in the supermarket yesterday, strolling the cart, and all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw someone. I would have sworn it was dad. I turned so abruptly I almost crashed the cart. It's sad how our minds can play sick tricks on us. It sent me into a tailspin for the next hour with uncontrollable crying and sobbing.

I am so sorry for you and all who feel the loss of not having their dear loved one at their wedding and not know future children. I was lucky to have had that. As Niamh said, I wish I had words of comfort but, simply there just really truly aren't any. All any of us can offer is comfort, understanding, an ear and a shoulder to cry on.

I feel lost too.

Sending many MANY hugs your way.

2sweetgirls

[ashleybatt]

Thank you to you all for your kind words. It gives me great comfort knowing that i am not alone in feeling this way. Each one of your stories has helped.

Thank You

[Babypod]

Ashleybatt,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I am in the same boat with the loss of my Grandma. She raised me and has been my best friend my entire life. We lost her almost two months ago - and watching my mom, Aunts, and Uncles go on without her - while I am still sick and broken. I just don't know how they can move on so quickly.

What I will say is this - my Grandfather died five years before I was born. He was her best friend and she was so lost when he died. She found a way to keep going. When I was born I didn't have a father - well OK - I had one but I have never ever met him. Since I lived with Grandma I kind of felt like Grandpa was my father. She kept him alive for me. When it came time to find a husband I looked for someone that reminded me of my Grandpa.

My mother in law passed away 14 years ago. She wasn't there for our wedding and she has never met any of our children - but we have done our best to keep her alive for them. I swear at times I even feel her here. I know that sounds strange - but somehow I know she is watching the children at times.

I am so sorry for your loss - my Grandma cried for the loss of my Grandpa, Aunt, and her father - off an on - for my entire life. I think what happens is you just find a new way to function - trying to keep them in your life in one way or another.

Hugs,

Angel

[ashleybatt]

Angel,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It amazes me that your grandma was able to keep your grandfathers memory so alive that you even felt a connection with him with never physically knowing him. I will try my hardest to keep that memory alive for my future children, in hopes that they can someday understand the person my mother was. It makes me sad that my brother's children can look at a photo of my mom, and they dont even know who she is. I totally understnd what you mean by your family moving on, but you are still very much in pain. I feel the same way with my brother and sister. They seem to only want to point out my mother's downfalls in life rather than the overall wonderful person she was. It hurts a lot especially since we are barely a family since she is gone. But we do need to find ways to make going on in life a little easier. Thanks again, and im sure your grandma and grandpa are proudly looking down on you.

ashley