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Today Was A Crappy Day!

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Today was not really a good day. It was a pretty nice day out and my sister put on a picnic which was also very nice. That part was good! The thing that was not great was the fact that my mother wasn't there. I found myself not engaging in much conversation and when someone talked to me I struggled to keep it going. I just didn't feel like talking at all. I've never really been a very social person but I just felt tired and down. I actually talked most with my nephew that is 12.

Also there was my aunt who I was pretty mad at because instead of being there for my mom in her last days or at the very least coming by to say goodbye she decided to go on a cruise. It was the first time I saw her since the cruise. I know she had guilt about it after but I didn't care. As far as I was concerned she made a decision she needs to live with it now. I know I would never go on a cruise knowing when I got back one of my sisters would not be there anymore.

We didn't really talk all day but when she left she came over and gave me a tight hug and told me how she loves us all. It did really feel heartfelt as opposed to being hypocritical like the way I had been feeling about her up until then. I don't know if it's because the mood I'm in today but I'm thinking maybe I should just let it go.

This just strengthened my feelings of how much I miss her being here.

It is nice to see my relatives but I feel kind of down because I missed out on talking with some relatives that I don't see much and just missing my mom in general. I know I have no choice but to keep moving through this journey but sometimes it's just a crappy, depressing journey!

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