Another Rough Day Today

[drock]

Sorry about all the post today! I've been fighting to keep positive today but it just doesn't seem to be working today. I started with not sleeping well last night, dreaming about mom, and getting up feeling tired and depressed. I had a couple of my students cancel their lessons today which is fine with me and I decided to just cancel the rest. I just didn't feel like dealing with it today.

I went outside and set up a lawn chair in the back yard. I live out in the country so there is all woods surrounding the back yard. I'm sitting out there and it's absolutely beautiful out. Perfect temp, a very slight breeze, plenty of sun and nothing but the sound of birds and neighborhood dogs. I cracked a nice cold beer and tried to just relax. It couldn't have gotten better as far as the environment around me. Unfortunately I just couldn't enjoy it. It's just not the same knowing my mom is not around anymore. Still I sat out there for a couple hours and just thought about things. I finally went back in and it just got worse.

I'm so used to my mom being there joking with me, talking and just bringing life in the house. Now it's nothing! Dead silence. In the evenings my dad comes home but he is pretty quite. I talk with him some but it's just not the same. With my mom we would talk about anything. If I had a problem I could depend on her being there for advice, she would tell me things that were bothering her and we would just gab about a variety of things in general. One of the things I really miss is being goofy and being myself. There would be advertisements on tv where I would act out some parts and goof around with my mother. She would do the same back. We had a cleaning lady that would come by once a week and she would get a kick out of us. Now that she is gone I have no way of expressing any of this. My father would not be amused at all if I started acting like that. It just feels so alone and empty here. I feel like when she died I also lost a part of myself also. I lost my buddy and cohort. Miss you Mom!

Sorry again! I'm just venting!

[mfh]

Dear drock

It sounds like you had an incredible mom and an incredible relationship with her. A gift for sure and of course that makes it all the harder now that she is not present physically. I do believe she is present however in a way we can not grasp right now. It is so difficult to lose the people we love and I think losing those we live with affects every single day, it changes everything about our lives.

I know about the silence of the house...it is deafening. Nothing can alter it. Putting on music does not change it. These are lonely hard days filled with great memories. You never have to apologize for venting here....we all do it as needed and we all understand. this is a soft place to fall.

Mary

[drock]

Thanks Mary!

[drock]

My mom used to take breathing treatments and she had these little plastic containers about three inches long that had the medicine she had to use in it. We use to throw those things back and forth at each other all night long. It got so we would collect about 20 or more. We would call it our stash. We would warn each other to watch out or I'll break out the stash. Of course we would keep pushing on each other until the one with all the containers would attach with full force. It was so fun! Of course my dad would get mad because he would vacuum the living room and suck up the ones we didn't pick up. We would just look at each other a laugh!

She used to joke all the time that when she died don't be surprised if I get woke up in the middle of the night from being bonked in the head by one of the plastic containers. When she passed I put one of the containers in the drawer of her coffin and told her "Throw away Mom!". If I do feel something hit my head sometime I'll know what it is!