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Really Angry, Need To Vent


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I'm so flippin' mad I feel like I could start smashing stuff. Somebody just posted a sappy poem that I've seen on my mom's facebook page before. Sometimes when I see stuff like that or just when I think about the fact that she's dead, I get so mad I want to destroy something. I try not to get mad, but sometimes it just happens. August 1 was the one-year anniversary of my Papaw's passing and October 25 will be one year for my sister. Man, I don't see how I can handle that day. She was supposed to have had her baby in June, but no, instead of playing with a baby, Mom was getting her headstone laid out. We ought to have been having a baby to spoil. I've started making teddy bears a few months ago and I was going to make a bear for her and one for the baby. I gave all my other family members bears, but Kristen never even got to see them. It was two weeks until her 21st birthday when she passed. I never even got to say goodbye because it happened so quickly. One minute she was fine and the next minute she was having buttloads of seizures back to back. We figured it would be a long road for her recovery. She had a really bad spell like that a couple years ago where she was in the hospital for a long time and she wasn't the same after that. We thought, or at least I did because apparently I suck at excepting things, that it would be like that, but then the preacher and a big group from church came and dropped the bomb that would change my life. I don't even know who to be mad at. I believe in God very deeply, but sadly we weren't really on speaking terms after Kristen's passing. Maybe I am mad at Him and I don't want to be. I just had so much faith that He would give her a miracle, but instead He took her. I feel like I'm not the same person anymore. I want the old girl back. This is all just so wrong. I wanted to make a bear for her baby and teach him or her how to play the piano when they got older. I wanted to get the chance to be adults with Kristen, but it's not going to happen now. Whenever I go back home is the hardest. I expect her to walk into the bedroom that used to be hers and fuss at me for changing the station on the radio or something. Sometimes I forget and almost ask for her when I go home and then I feel really stupid. On Thanksgiving I was literally on the edge of asking where Kristen was at, but thankfully I caught myself at the last minute. Sorry for the long, disorganized post, but I had to get it out. I feel a little better now.

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Im glad it helps to write it, I always get so angry and never know what to do! It is unfair and messed up and I get what you mean about the poem I get really angry at stupid things like that too. I dont even have any comforting words because I know when im feeling like that I just need someone to say "you're right, this shouldnt have happened you are allowed to be angry" but instead all I get is people telling me I need to calm down and they dont know how to deal with it etc etc. Hopefully though the angry days arent that often, and I hope that you have some days where you are ok xx

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