Loss Of A Love Relationship

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I read all of the pro's and con's around dating a co-worker, some very valid, but I chose to ignore the advice on what happens if it doesn't work out. I thought our situation would be different, that he was ready for someone like me, that he had been single for a long time and was "boyfriend" material, that we were older adults and ready for the next stage of our live. All of these points were true, except I wanted him more then he needed me. I romanticized his isolating behaviors, I justified his lack of friends, I even accepted that his long distance friend was a platonic relationship stemming from a professional basis. OOPS!

Several months into our relationship, when he came back from a holiday, with limited contacted while I frantically awaited his phone calls and emails, he spoke of the shock in finding out that his platonic friend wanted more! What was he to do, what would I recommend - they had been friends for years and this was so unexpected....I told him he could not abandon a friendship over a misunderstanding. He said he would ask her not to contact him for a year. We then went on with our loving and mutually satisfying relationship, while starring into each others eyes at work each day. But wait a minute, why was he bringing her up in conversation? Oh yeah, she had called, but he would deal with that. then she had suggestions about his mothers needs, His Mother! How did a professional contact know his mother?? Oh, he said, well it was professional in the beginning, then they had dated and she had visited and she was still in contact with his Mom. I ended it when I saw flowers from her on the mantel. But, we worked together, slowly he won me around to his side, which wasn't hard at all as i missed him. Remember, he said, she doesn't live here and so on and so on and the intimacy was fabulous and the holidays were fun. Then he went away on an event that I could not get time off for, and was I going to make a big deal if she met him there, it's just platonic! I gave in, he called me daily and bought me nice stuff. And then I realized that this was such a bizarre situation so I ended it, again, while we were on our vacation (i couldn't visualize them being platonic when I considered how we were while on holidays). I would no longer wait for him to decide that he was in love with me and that we would grow old together. I would find someone who wanted what I wanted. I told him to call his ex and let her know. Flash forward 2 months, we have had coffee and walking visits but no dating, and then it heats up again. But wait, she's coming to visit and she will be staying with him and am I okay with this or will i tell him good bye again? I took another job and deleted his number from my phone.

Quote from counselor's post:

Forgive your ex, you will bring anger or fear or pain from that relationship into your next one. And the one after that. And the one after that. And on and on until you die. Sucks - but there's just no way around it. I forgive him and myself and wish him the best. He was wonderful to me, just not terribly honest.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. He was a heel to not be completely up front and honest with you. You are fortunate to be rid of such a heel and I'm afraid I find him undeserving of your love.

I've heard it said "he who cares the least, holds the most power." Unfortunately, I have found this to be true. However, in a true wonderful reciprocal love, no such game playing or keeping count is necessary. I had such wonderful complete mutual love with my late husband...this is now the standard to which I measure love by. Do both in the relationship place each other of utmost importance? Do both feel they can't imagine life without the other? Is the relationship healthy and positive for both? Do both feel that the other somehow brings out the best in them, helping them to be the best they can be? Be wary of anyone who doesn't introduce you readily to family and friends. Be wary of anyone who lies outright or by omission.

Good luck to you in your future...you are now free to meet someone more qualified to be your partner...should you wish it.

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"he who cares the least, holds the most power." What a true saying. thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. It was a requirement for a breakup cleanse that I am going through.

after reading all of the good qualities you and your late husband brought out in each other I am honored that you shared them with me. My gift that I will take away from today (can you believe I had to start the cleanse again because he was in contact 7 days into the first one and it broke my concentration-when I started up again and came back to this site it was my posting I read first! Amazing!):

Good luck to you in your future...you are now free to meet someone more qualified to be your partner...should you wish it.

Lilli

[kayc]

Lilli,

At this point I have accepted being alone the rest of my life because I just don't trust any of them out there. That's okay, we don't need someone to be valuable and I'm happy with my dog. I feel I was honored to have had someone in my life that loved me so much, so fortunate to have had a mutually reciprocal relationship that was so wonderful...I just don't think the odds of having that again are very high. But I wish the best for anyone wanting to go out and try again!

The heartbreak does lessen and I am glad no one has the power to break my heart again.