Dad Died, And I Am Lost

[JenJen]

My dad died on April 12th, 2005, his funeral was 2 months to the day of his diagnosis with lung cancer. I'm a nurse so I did all the medical stuff, guided my mother and family through everything. Planned the funeral, did all the "stuff" that has to be done. Then had to support my mum when everything went to hell over his estate (you would not believe the evil that my half-sisters are capable of).

I'm doing post-grad at uni, I live 150 kilometres from where my parents lived. And my dad and I had a tumultous relationship. This year has been just crazy. I am though thankful that in the midst of the insanity I made my peace with him though, before I even knew that he was sick.

But, it feels like I was so busy helping prepare everyone for his death and then getting them through it as best I could, that I missed it all myself. I was there, I saw him slip away. But it's only now, 5.5 months later that I can actually say he's dead and not go "what the heck?"

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to cry and I need to come to terms with it. I feel guilty for not being more upset - wailing and throwing myself on his body like my mum and aunt, but instead being so calm, so IN CONTROL when he passed and we were at the hospital, I feel guilty for not doing more for him in those few weeks we knew he was dying. I feel guilty for all sorts of things. I feel guilty for bottling it up and now I just don't know how to tap into the grief and actually work though it. What does that mean? How do I "work through" the fact that my Dad is dead? I feel completely rudderless and have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling, if I'm grieving "healthily" or what.

ARGH! God, does this make any sense to anyone? I do NOT know how to do this. I have NO idea what, when or how I could ever come to a point where I can live a day without relieving some aspect of his death or funeral. Please, help me.

-Jen.

[Maylissa]

Dear JenJen,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, and for the anxst you're going through now. Grief can be so confusing and disorganized, PLUS so personally different for many people ( yet with a ton of common threads and feelings ), that it's impossible to really slot it into any certain order or time-line. I've discovered that my second year without my Mom and brother ( who both passed in '04, w/i 2 months of each other ) has, in many respects, been harder than the first year....and you're only into your 6th month. For one thing, I've recently realized that due to the messy events after their deaths, I was actually somewhat still in shock for the better part of the first year. Even though I was wailing, etc., there were certain aspects of the grief that didn't fully come through until this second year. So I've had to regroup, start over in some ways with the process and try not to panic about where I'd be led from here on in. The last thing you need to do is to pile GUILT on top of everything, although I realize sometimes it, too, just needs to run its course. But you will grieve in your own way, in whatever time your self decides upon, and that's not a reason to feel guilty. The fact that you were so busy with the practical ( but still caring ) details because of your expertise, may be what stopped you from letting loose in the beginning, so maybe you're still in shock now, and haven't settled into more of the emotional response yet. Allow your body and mind to respond however they're going to, as giving yourself permission to be wherever you're at at any given moment, is half the battle. When we try to control that spontenaity, that's when we get stuck, or give ourselves further problems.

As for your "evil" half-sisters.....oh yes I WOULD believe it! My last brother has acted like a devil-spawn ever since our Mother first went into hospital, and he hasn't stopped yet in his master plan to serve only himself. ( maybe you wouldn't believe the things my brother's done!? ) So you're not alone there, although I wish NO ONE had to wish for some company in their misery on that account!

The memories of the sad and horrible times DO fade somewhat as one grieves, although it may take awhile. It's not like they're ever forgotten, but they don't feel quite as sharp-edged after some processing has ocurred. This processing can come in fits and starts, or in big, heavy chunks, but it does ocurr. That's why they say it's the 'work' of grieving. Every single thing you feel gets put into that soup, until eventually you can taste a flavour ( some progress ), but it's likely a rest-of-your-lifetime recipe, unique to your own cooking and time spent in the kitchen. Sometimes you'll fondly, yet bittersweetly remember a favourite ingredient you shared with your dad and that will go into the broth, too, to balance the whole mixture. When you've done more stirring you'll eventually have something more palatable that you can take cooler sips of. And all of us here will gladly join you in your kitchen to chat over cups of coffee whenever you'd like some company.

[Guest Rylee]

Dear Jen,

My Dad passed away on February 2nd,2005, so I can relate to what you are feeling. To me, it sounds like you are still in shock. Death is traumatic, so when it happens we all have a different reaction. It is not predictable in any way. I have also had moments where it "hits" me again and then it feels like I realize it all over again. The memories of my Dad's funeral flash in my mind every day, too.

Please don't worry...you are supposed to be feeling whatever it is that you ARE feeling. This is something that you can't do WRONG because everyone is different. Denial is part of the process because it is alot to feel, isn't it? Please give yourself a break and try not to think about how you are SUPPOSED to be going thru this- just let yourself feel it. Most of all, though, please don't feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about..because there is no "time limit" for grief.

Take care of yourself, okay?

Sincerely,

Rylee

[Guest Guest_Sara_*]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm a little way on from where you are, my Dad died last year, 26 June from a heart attack. We didn't have any warning. One minute there, one minute gone, but it doesn't matter how he went. I know how you feel when you say "what the heck" (although we probably both use stronger language than that)and I don't want to disillusion you from thinking it gets easier, because quite frankly, it doesn't. It just gets less often. All I wanted you to know was that you are not going crazy and you are definitly not alone. Losing your Dad knocks the stuffing out of you and takes all you hold dearly, away. I know that most of the time, when I think about it, all I want to do is scream that this can't be happening to me and this can't be true. But it is. I miss my Dad and always will, more that I am willing to let my Mum know. Don't feel guilty for how you feel. I did that and I had to ask my Mum if Dad loved me, coz he did my head when he was here and I thought that he must have known that and I must have hurt him. But I'm far enough along the tracks to know that of course he loved me and what I did didn't change that for a second. I can't take your pain away, as much as I'd like to, but I hope I can show you that it will get less frequent, and I'm sure that a few years down the line, it does get easier. God, I hope so. Please take care of yourself, and be selfish sometimes, you need to be. You are worth it. There is nothing you could have done and nothing you can do to bring him back, and that's the crap part about it.

My name is Sara and my e-mail is sarahutton@yahoo.com if you need to talk some more.

My dad died on April 12th, 2005, his funeral was 2 months to the day of his diagnosis with lung cancer. I'm a nurse so I did all the medical stuff, guided my mother and family through everything. Planned the funeral, did all the "stuff" that has to be done. Then had to support my mum when everything went to hell over his estate (you would not believe the evil that my half-sisters are capable of).

I'm doing post-grad at uni, I live 150 kilometres from where my parents lived. And my dad and I had a tumultous relationship. This year has been just crazy. I am though thankful that in the midst of the insanity I made my peace with him though, before I even knew that he was sick.

But, it feels like I was so busy helping prepare everyone for his death and then getting them through it as best I could, that I missed it all myself. I was there, I saw him slip away. But it's only now, 5.5 months later that I can actually say he's dead and not go "what the heck?"

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to cry and I need to come to terms with it. I feel guilty for not being more upset - wailing and throwing myself on his body like my mum and aunt, but instead being so calm, so IN CONTROL when he passed and we were at the hospital, I feel guilty for not doing more for him in those few weeks we knew he was dying. I feel guilty for all sorts of things. I feel guilty for bottling it up and now I just don't know how to tap into the grief and actually work though it. What does that mean? How do I "work through" the fact that my Dad is dead? I feel completely rudderless and have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling, if I'm grieving "healthily" or what.

ARGH! God, does this make any sense to anyone? I do NOT know how to do this. I have NO idea what, when or how I could ever come to a point where I can live a day without relieving some aspect of his death or funeral. Please, help me.

-Jen.