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Some Days Are Harder Than Others

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I want to first start off by apologizing for my rambling and ranting. Sometimes I just need to get it out and I don't personally have anyone in my life who would be willing to listen and comfort me - so here I am. Really where do I start - I lost my older sister 7 1/2 years ago - it was so sudden that even today I have trouble accepting it. I saw her the day before and we were laughing and having a good time, the next day I get a call from my brother and he's telling me she's gone. There are still days that I want to pick up the phone and call her but then realize whoops can't do that. My family was never the same. My sister was my mother's care giver - my mother found my sister after she had died and for years blamed herself - thinking if only she had checked on her earlier. After that my mother had hip replacement surgery and I was some how put in charge of being that person - now mind you I'm the youngest in my family and my older siblings couldn't deal with this. What a strain that put on my life for many years to come. Now don't get me wrong I loved my mother but I can only shoulder so much. My sister did move from Idaho a few years later to take care of her; however, she started to develop medical problems herself and ended up in and out of the hospital as did my mother. I spent so much time at Boswell Hospital that the nurses started to recognize me and greet me as I walked in. Then one of the worst things happened (well at that time) my sister was in the hospital for an extended stay and my mother had fallen and had bleeding on the brain. I didn't know what was going to happen to her now, fortunately the swelling went down but she could not return home and my sisters medical problems had gotten worse and she could not take care of our mother or herself for that matter. My mother went in to a rehab center - my brother visited all of once, because of this I being to resent him. From the rehab center my mother was placed into a group home - that was wonder to her and to us. During this time I found out my brother was stealing my mother's SSI payments and once again I had to step in. He was mad and resented me - well my family was crumbling around me again. My sister moved in with at which time she had a problem with her stomaching filling with fluid that no medical doctor could figure out. As time passed my sister moved out and then in with her daughter. Everything was back to "normal" for my family - I had smoothed things out with my brother - hospice had help take some of the burden off my shoulders by taking over my mother medical needs. What could go wrong - well so much did, and has. In the July 2010 I lost my job, my mother started to not recognize us and my sister was once again in and out of the hospital. I lost my home, my mother deteriorated as did my sister. January 30th, 2011 I'm home alone waiting for my husband to get off work and I get a call from the hospice nurse - my mother has passed. I then get a call from the hospice chaplain. He was so wonderful and said a pray with me on the phone. I couldn't get over to say goodbye to my mother so I verbally approved the removal to the mortuary facility - this was the worse experience ever. I was so shocked that I got the Funeral Board involved and was actually going to move my mother to another facility. Things were resolved and we had a nice viewing were everyone got to say goodbye. The hardest part was having to tell my brother and sister - this was something I could not do over the phone. We cried, we laughed - felt like I could sleep for a week. A few weeks after my mothers death the bad just kept coming. We found out my sister had small cell lung cancer that was further along then expected. She wound up in this beautiful hospice facility. She was doing so well and they sent her home - within a week she was back and nearly comatose. I believe either my niece and her fiance or my sister herself was overmedicating to allow her to go faster. I had convinced my brother to visit her because we were told she had hours to days left. My brother arrived, visited a little went out for a smoke and left his wife with our sister. This happened just three months after our mother passed on April 27, 2011 He came back and she was gone - it was deja vu getting a call from him letting me know my sister was gone. I arrived at the facility and couldn't believe that I was three for three of not getting to say good bye. All of the sudden I was an orphan and the only female child left. Currently the only time my brother contacts me is to borrow money. If visiting happens I go to him. My sorrow is so deep that sometimes I feeling like I'm drowning. No one understands my pain - I try not to cry or be emotional around my husband because he just doesn't know how to comfort. My birthday is coming around in a few weeks and the holidays are right around the corner - I don't know how I'm going to handle them all. Sometimes all I want is a hug but don't really have any one in my life that I would feel comfortalble asking for one. Especially if they have never gone through anything like this. I'm so mad at my sisters and mother for leaving me with just my brother. I feel like God stole my best friends. I have never found anyone I can connect, trust and love like I could my sisters. As I am typing this I can't stop the crying and just want one of them to put their arms around and tell me everything will be ok. Because right now I so don't feel that it will ever be ok again. I miss them all so much and some days wish they would take me so I could join them and not be so lonely.

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You've written a lot, and it must be a relief to put your feelings into words. Sorry to hear you've been put through so much ordeal. My own circumstances are more fortunate. I lost my Mom too, but she lived a long life. And the rest of my family is more or less intact. All most of us want is a kind and caring world, but some of us just get buried in adversity. It's not fair, but that's life. I hope you can keep some kind of faith or belief through all of the difficulty. Maybe a simple heart will lead us through most trouble? Anyway, most of us here have had plenty of grief too, so you are in good company. Welcome to our community.

Ron B.

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