Decisions Can Be Tough

[mfh]

Today I got a phone call from someone who wants to buy the telescope I advertised in my publication. It has been a huge decision to sell this. Bill and I got it when we lived at 8,500 feet above sea level in Colorado...the stars were amazing with the clear skies at that elevation. It is a fantastic telescope that we did not use when we returned to Wisconsin and then Bill was unable to remember how to set it up and use it. It is, however, loaded with memories....I was doing ok with selling it until I went to the basement to get the tripod Bill designed and built for it. It is very heavy duty. He designed it with levelers for each leg and other useful things...as I carried it upstairs tonight I realized how much of him is in that simple tripod....his wood working skills, his design skills that did not miss a trick...and our memories. So tomorrow an astronomer friend is coming over to help me set it up and Monday a buyer is coming. She wants it for her husband and twin 12 year old sons....so much better in their hands than in my garage. It is too heavy for me to lift and I know I will not use it without Bill sharing it with me. But....it is the first item that I am moving on that belonged to Bill and me. I decided I will use some of the money to plant a tree in Bill's honor....one of his many favorite trees. Next I have to sell his wood lathe....something he got shortly before he was unable to use it....because of his Alzheimer's....Both are difficult decisions and create a start for me. I have not touched his closet...or his woodworking shop....

This process is unending....

[Cheryl]

I understand your pain Mary. I sold our camper and boat after Mark died. I knew they would rot in the AZ sun and I couldn't see myself able to use either one without Mark's help. Very sad emotional days. A few weeks ago I tore down our salt water fish tank and gave the fish away. It wa a 75 gallon tank and a lot of work to maintain. We both loved it and i was always the one to take care of it. But after two years of keeping it looking good just for me I relaized it no longer brought me joy but another chore. Today my son and I took the tank out to my husbands shop and placed the tank in the rafters. I just stood their and cried. Looking at all the cool stuff he had placed up there. SO many memories in the rafters. All our years together. Amy's little rocking chair, a food dehydrator, his old roller skates from high school. I am the only one who knows the stories behind the items and it pains me to such great length to know that it has all ended. I am still shocked that I stand here in this house at 47 years old, a widow.

[mfh]

Oh Cheryl,

When I think about you being widowed at 47. I was married to Bill at 46. We had known each other for 12 years before and had 24 more but I know how young I was. I am so sorry.

Yes, I have a long road ahead of me in terms of deciding what not to keep....the tool shop some day. IN the meantime I am finding year 2 to be extremely difficult. I just had a burger with a friend who "gets it" so we talked and then I cried all the way home....for the umpteenth time today. I have come to dread and hate the weekends...they are the worst.

We shall, you and I and others, keep on keeping on and try to be grateful for what we had. I agree...no one knows all the stories. Even today I stepped off a curb in the next town and remembered the day Bill came home having fallen stepping up that curb....he was failing then. It seems everything is a memory and in year two...the loneliness has been extremely difficult....

We shall do this....somehow.

Peace

Mary

[dave s]

Mary...I know the feeling of parting with the belongings, have not done much yet, an old teeshirt, left over food in the freezer......and yesterday bought an antique clock......placed it in a place that Mike had hung another pic......have to admit it looks better there then the pic....but........feels funny....I still have his empty shampoo bottles in the shower and the last bottle of bleach he used and placed in the trash, in the laundry room is still there, his clothes are still in his closet, although I wear them on occasion they are always hung back in the spot he left them. and of course, we can never forget the parting of the tires!.......am thinking of you.......Dave

[mfh]

Yes, Dave. I have not touched Bill's side of the medicine cabinet, his closet, wood workshop, and even a bag of fig newtons (which he loved and I hate) are still in the cabinet hard as rocks. I have moved his dresser out of his office so I could put my watercolor table in there but two weeks ago a friend asked me what I was going to do with the three season room which has basically sat empty since we moved in here just months before Bill died. Long story short...she sent a contractor over to tell me they are going to rip out the ceiling and walls, insulate and drywall and paint; put in new windows and door, remove a sliding door that is in my office and opens to that room and put in a wall and small glass door; put in a gas burning stove, new flooring....all a gift to me from a friend who cares and has money that she is generous with. I will use it for a meditation room and art studio. I see clients in my home office with a separate entrance....and will keep it that way. It is the only room in the house that basically has no history/memories with Bill except his cutting through that space to go to the back yard....which is interesting and I am unsure what that all feels like ....I am very blessed.

Someday, who knows when, I will deal with his tools and antique clock collection....most of the latter I will keep as he loved them so (I noticed you got an antique clock), I will also deal with his closet someday when it feels right. Just selling the telescope has been really hard for me...so many memories of stars in Colorado and more. Latest painting attached...my tsunami...

Tough days...very very lonely.

Mary