I Can't Stop Crying

[RoRo]

I have had multiple losses over the last few years. My father passed away 4 years ago from cancer and my mother lost her battle to cancer a little over a month ago. I feel so alone, so empty, so sad. I spent so much of my time caring for them, absorbed with thier care and trying to find closure to my life with them that I feel so out of sorts with myself. I am not married, do not have children either. I worked during the time I cared for them and finished up a doctoral degree shortly before my mom passed. I feel like now that both my parents are gone, I am alone. I know that I didn't make a decision on putting some of my life on hold to care for them, but right now the feeling of emptiness and lonliness are overwhelming. All I can do is cry everyday and it's a deep painful cry that feels like it is endlessly flowing. There is no relief from the sadness and the loss. I feel crazy and run down. I try to be good to myself and tell myself that I am human and that I have been through a lot the last few years, but it doesn't seem to help. I am anxious to feel better, feel alive again and yet nothing I do seems to make it any better. I feel like I am dying inside, like life is escaping me while everyone else around me seems to be unphased by what I am going through. This is more maddening. Does anyone have any advice or can anyone relate?

[niamh]

Roro, I can't even begin to imagine life without my Mom. Losing my Dad was my worst nightmare, sometimes I don't know how I am still surviving this. With regards to crying I would just say let it out when you need to and if that's everyday nothing wrong with that at all. I don't cry every single day now, I don't even know how long I did cry every day for but it was a while, a month is nothing at all. Yep grieving takes it's toll on every single part of you, it's a 24*7 job so even when you are sleeping your mind is trying to grasp what has happened. Rest up when you can and when you need it, just follow what your body wants to do. I think maybe you want to speed up the process but unfortunately there is no way around this, only straight through it, it can't be avoided. Have patience with yourself.Physically you body will adjust, that's how I describe it, the severe anger, rage, the non stop bursting into tears at every little thing does change, it does lessen. I still do struggle emotionally, the emptiness is tremendous. I'm not sure how to even phrase this but it's like I'm "used to it", it's always there but you just learn to live with it, it becomes a part of you so right now your entire mine & body are being slammed full force with this "new" addition of grief seeping right into every part of you. For me, some days are better than others, I can still have days where I just wish I could close my eyes and just disappear from this world and go hang out with my Dad, others days those intense feelings can be a little more dormant. When I get those bursts of emotion I just ride out that rollercoaster and go with it, let it out, feel what I feel.

There really is no rule book, no time frame that anyone can tell you "you will feel like x,yz in x days, weeks, months". Unfortunately the journey is truly unique to each person so I'm just sharing my experience with you.

((hugs)) and wishing you much comfort,

Niamh

[RoRo]

Thank you Niahm, your words are so comforting and reassuring. You are absolutely right, the process will run its own course. I feel so sad most days and the cry that I release is so deep that I wonder if I will ever heal from her loss. It feels like it's been one continuous roller coaster of grief for the last 7 years with both of my parents being ill. You are anticipating the loss long before it occurs and grieving from it. Not to mention that the end of life often means we have to find closure to issues we may have with out parents in order to find peace in our hearts. It feels like the grief will never end. My anxiousness to fast forward the grief comes from the intense pain that I feel but also the fact that it's been going on for so long. Thank you for the validation, it helps when others who have been through experience can remind me that I am behaving normally given my loss. Sending big hugs back your way.

Rosie

[pmpupdamike]

I am very sorry for your loss(es) Rosie. I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I can only say, that I can relate, although, that I have the distraction of my 3 children and family to help with the sorrow. I often think, that in many cases, it is easier to sometimes just immerse yourself with purpose, how that "purpose" is defined, is very unique and individual. Many here, can describe several different coping mechanisms. It does sound however, that your grief, is still very raw, and very shocking. I think, this is pretty normal, considering your unique experiance as a care taker. Have thought about a support group, specific to care takers, or perhaps a visit to a therapist?