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It's Christmas time and I lost my father to cancer on December 26, 2009. It was so hard loosing him as I was very close to both my parents. To make matters worse, my mother had a minor car accident and lived 2 months after the accident and I lost her on June 1, 2010. Not even 6 months after loosing me dad. The doctors don't understand why she died as the accident was minor. She was in the hospital a few days, then we had to put her in a nursing home for physicial therapy. The nursing home was horrible, so we brought her home in a week, and she stayed with my sister so the PT could go to her home, but she just never even really walked again. As my parents had been married 58 years, we feel she just didn't want to go on without my dad. I have so many regrets especially with my mother. I keep thinking if I would only have spent more time with her after loosing my dad, if I could have got her talked into moving in with us, etc. I promised my dad that I would take care of mom and feel that I failed him too. It isn't getting any better for me either. I still cry daily and all I can think about is all the regrets I have. I try to think about all the wonderful times we had, but mostly all I can think about is all the regrets. I feel I failed them both as a daughter and there is nothing I can do now. I use to talk to my mom several times a day and miss that so much. I just wish it would start to get easier....Holidays are always worse, when I watch a program where someone is doing something with their mother, I cry for hours, so I try not to watch Christmas programs anymore. I can't talk to my sisters to anyone about this as they weren't very close to my parents, but it helps writing it. My mom was truly my best friend and I miss her so much.

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Hello Tippi,

Welcome to this site. I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad and Mom, Your story is so heartbreaking. You must be a very strong person. It's sad that you can't talk to your sisters about everything :closedeyes: It is nice to have this site, and to have people that truly understand, and will listen for as long as you need.

I understand how difficult this time of year is for you, I am also having a very hard time. My Dad died on Dec. 30th, 2009. I haven't been able to celebrate Christmas since. I don't know if I'll ever be able to again?

Do you live in the same town that your parents lived in ? I still live in the same town, and find it very hard because everything around me is a constant reminder of my Dad, and it's just too painful.

I understand also about the regrets that you have. I too have those, and sometimes I wonder if they will haunt me the rest of my life ?

I can understand that your Mom probably just wanted to be with your Dad, 58 years together was such a long time. Almost everyday I just wish I could be with my Dad.

I hope you'll continue to write , I have been on this site for almost 2 years now. I read a lot of the posts, but I don't write much, because I don't know what to say anymore ?! But, I did want to write to you and let you know I can totally relate.

I wish you Peace, Love and comfort Tippi,

Jodi :closedeyes:

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Jodi,

Thank you so much for your response. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. You lost him only a few days after I lost my dad.

I loved my dad so much too. This year I had decided not to decorate for Christmas. Then I remembered how much my dad loved Christmas with all the decorations. It was so hard to decorate as I kept remembering when I went a few weeks before I lost him to his home and decorated his bedroom for him. I remember how much he loved all the lights and tree and his smile at looking at them, and how happy they made him those last few weeks of life, so I decorated in his honor. It was very hard but somehow I made it through.

We live an hour from their home. We sold their house and sometimes I will drive by their house. I'll sit there crying for awhile and remembering all the good times we had there. Sometimes we will even go to one of their favorite resturants and remember the good times we had eating there. Then I come home and cry because they weren't there eating with us.

As you can tell this has been a bad day for me and I can't seem to stop crying. I miss them both so much. Maybe tomorrow will be better.....I wish I was a strong person.

Tippi

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Hi again Tippi,

That was interesting what you said about your Dad being so happy when he looked at all the decorations. When I read that I started crying , I remembered how my Dad was also was so happy with the tree that I had bought him that year, and loved all the lights, etc. I bought a little tree this year (because I started thinking -if my Dad's "spirit" is with me, maybe he'd like to have a tree !!) I just haven't had the energy to decorate it yet, but it really smells good ! My Dad had a stroke and went into a coma early Christmas eve, and never came out of it, We had to disconnect his life support on Dec.30th. We had just been making plans earlier that day about how we would spend Christmas eve, and Christmas, and then poof he was gone. I still cry ALL the time.

Maybe you have given me a new way to think about Christmas ?? Maybe I can do some things to honor my Dad too, since he loved Christmas so very much.

I know what you mean about going to his favorite restaurants,etc., It's something I haven't been able to do yet, maybe in time I will ??

Well, Thank-you Tippi , I hope to talk to you soon.

Hugs,

Jodi :closedeyes:

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Hi again Jodi,

I hope by now you have decorated your tree. I never took the decorations off the tree I gave to my dad, and every year I carefully pack it away. It has a very special place in my home, and every time I look at it I can remember my dad smiling as he looked at it.

At least Christmas will almost be over.

I will be thinking and praying for you on Christmas and also December 30th. Hoping you can find a little peace.

Hugs to you,

Tippi

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Hi Tippi,

I am truly sorry for you losing both your parents SO SO close together, I cannot even begin to imagine the horror of it.

I often told my Mom after losing my Dad that if it had been my Mom gone instead of my Dad I know he would not have survived it at all. I do think in some ways when you hear of couples who leave this world so close together that maybe the heart and soul for the one left behind simply cannot go on.

I'm so sorry you feel like you failed them as a daughter but I certainly don't think you did. I too will always have some regrets about what I did and didn't do when my Dad went into hospital, wondering if I could have somehow changed the outcome but my Dad always believed when you're time is up nothing you can do to change it........doesn't stop me wondering "what if" but I think our parents know we all do the best we can in situations and losing people from this world is never our fault.

Sorry too you cannot talk to your sisters, I don't have any siblings but I have some cousins that were always like siblings to me over the years. my Dad was like a second Dad to them, they were so close but I can't talk to them about it. They also lost their Mom 5 years ago and I thought they would be one bunch of people who would definitely "get everything" but doesn't seem to be the case. That really confirmed for me how unique grief and loss is to everyone no matter what the circumstance everyone has their own way of dealing with it.

Holidays are definitely worse, it's such a family time and feels like a slap in the face when you see everyone else being so happy and jolly and you just want your Mom & Dad. I hope you will find that as alone as you do feel there's many of us here who do get it. I know when this happened first I honestly thought I was the only person in the entire world who felt and thought like I did because anyone I knew who had lost somebody never thought or "acted" like I did after losing my Dad. Then I found this site and realised there were others in the world who could relate to me and it just gave me the smallest of comforts even knowing 1 more person on this earth felt similar to me.

I wish there were real words of comfort but I always say they just don't exist, all we can do is share with each other and relate. I'm glad writing helps a bit so I hope you keep sharing with us here.

sending you love and hugs and lots of wishes for peace and comfort,

Niamh

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Dear Niamh,

Thank you so much for your response. I am sure you did everything you could for your father. I had to smile when you said your dad always thought when it was your time to go, it was your time to go. My dad always felt the same way.

The last week my mom was in the hopsital we had the doctors try everything to find out what was wrong with her. She fought every minute. We finally made the decision to let her go. I remember standing around her bed with the doctor. She had been in a lot of pain and was fighting the oxygen. As soon as we told the doctor to put her on pallative care, she took a big sigh and just went to sleep. She never asked for pain medicine or anything again. So we kenw we had made the right decision for her. Even though it was so hard for us.

I am so glad that I found this group. Just talking about my losses has helped some.

Your words are such a comfort to me. It is so hard for me to see my sisters seeming to go on with their lives and me not.

Hugs to you and your mom,

Tippi

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thanks for such lovely msg Tippi, sometimes I think knowing that's how my Dad thought is the only thing that keeps any guilt from eating away at me. Am so glad to hear talking here helps. I too find it hard seeing others who seem to be ok carrying with life but sometimes we just don't know what's going on inside. I often think people can look me at me on the outside in public and never have a clue of what goes on inside. Family are sometimes probably the worst for support when you lose someone because everyone is trying to deal with their own grief in their own way, everyone loses a unique relationship.

Thinking of you today and tomorrow and hope that all our parents have their arms wrapped tightly around us to bring some peace during these tough days.

((hugs)) to you too, thanks so much Tippi, glad you found us here

Niamh

x

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am so sorry for your loss. The Holidays were very hard for me also. It is a lot harder to remember the good times now for me also, when all I can think about is how much I miss my parents. After I lost my dad, I would call my mom on the way to work and back and a few times in the evenings. We truly were best friends and I miss talking to her so much. I hate to admit it, but I also still call their home phone number even though it is disconnected. I hope it starts to get easier soon.

Hugs,

Tippi

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