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She Is Moving On But I Can't

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I can't move on but I don't want to use a therapist. I don't know why but it doesn't seem for me. I lost my father 8 years ago after a long and cruel illness. I was married in 2000 and he walked me down the aisle but he was soon wheelchair bound after that and the illness became very degenerative. I tried to get a job to live near him but it wasn't to be so I travelled every few weekends to see him a 8 hour round trip. Each time I saw him I always wondered if it would be the last but thankfully I was there at the end. He passed away in Feb 2004.

Also during this time we were trying to start a family but we were told that we had to have IVF. The tests started in 2005 with treatment in 2006. We successfully had twins later that year but it was still a traumatic time for us. I still feel guilty that my children were never able to meet their Grandfather as I know he would have been a brilliant Grandad. He was only 62 when he passed away – it seems so unfair.

My mum came up to help us a lot with the twins when they were first born, I had to have surgery straight after birth, they both had jaundice and then one twin had meningitis with septicaemia. The other twin had to have quite a bit of physio after being squashed in the womb. It wasn't a straight forward time.

When the children were 2 my mum started going to Jazz festivals and Folk festivals on her own where she met a man. I wasn't ready for this, as the relationship developed she talked about him but I was never able to ask her about him as it hurt me too much. She said later that she could see that I was uncomfortable but she still carried on talking about it in front of me. She used to meet him from my house which I hated as it was in my space and I had no control over it and it used to greatly upset me but I wasn't able to say anything about it. About this time I also had a miscarriage.

The relationship with my mum started deteriorating because I could never ask her about her new man or things they were doing together. I felt tense and unhappy any time I was around her as I never knew when she was going to talk about it and it was the only way I could protect myself from this hurt that could come any time.

She had a 'show down' with me getting quite cross with me and all I could say was that I wanted my Dad back and cried. I couldn't go and visit her because he had moved into her house. I said it was too much for me to be in the family home with him there. She made me meet him at a pub for a drink with my husband. I hated it. She then brought him to our house a few times to collect things. I kept feeling like it was being forced on me with no way to get out.

Eventually she told me that she thought I had complicated grief and I should see a councillor. This is just something I have not wanted to do. She said she would take the pressure off and stop talking him in front of me. This felt a relief but I could not believe it was true. That was a couple of years ago. After Christmas this year she said that he was going to start collecting her from our house when she stayed and when we just went to visit her- he was there. I was so shocked that she hadn't even warned me I couldn't even look her in the eye I was so upset. I wanted to go to a hotel straight away but my husband stopped me. I managed to have meal times together but I spent most of the rest of the time in my bedroom. What upsets me most is that she never gives me the choice. I thought writing on here might help....

Now being a parent I know I would not be able to do anything to hurt my daughter so I can't understand why she is hurting me so much and giving me no option to not be part of this new mans life.

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My dear Maxime, I'm so sorry that this situation with your mother is causing you so much pain. It may surprise you to learn that you are not alone in feeling as you do. I hope you will read my article, Is My Widowed Mother 'Moving On' Too Soon?

It's unfortunate that you've rejected the idea of talking with a grief counselor or therapist, as I think that might prove to be quite helpful for you. Doing so would guide and support you in putting your energy into understanding and coming to terms with your own grief at the loss of your father ♥

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