Being Awake Is A Struggle

[Gabi]

I lost my youngest (of two sons) in December. He was 27 and was shot to death in the parking lot after withdrawing $40 from an ATM machine. This occurred two weeks after my oldest son turned 30. They were two years apart and started a company together, hung out together and were best friends. A sixteen year old boy shot my son--it was his 3rd felony. It makes me sick to see this boy's face recurring in my thoughts from the news article. A child. I keep hearing an elongated silence, then, "Jamie's dead, Mom," in my eldest son's voice. Time is not helping. I am feeling a deep, heavy sadness that just won't let up. Before the past two weeks I had a "good" day sometimes. Now there's none. I'm physically sick, in danger of losing the job I started two weeks before my son's death and just wonder why the heck I am still here, what my life is supposed to be about. Sunday my son and I are scheduled to go through Jamie's belongings and take them with us from the house where he lived with a roommate. I move from feeling lost, depressed and angry to sad. When I had my children, they opened me up to a love and joy that was greater than anything I knew was possible and now I have the opposite-a deep and fathomless sadness.

[MartyT]

My dear Gabi,

My heart aches for you as I read of this unimaginable horror. I'm so sorry to learn of the violent death of your beloved son, but also very grateful that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. We welcome you with open arms and loving hearts.

Because your loss is so horrific, I want to point you to some additional resources that I think you'll find particularly relevant and useful. You may not have the energy to investigate all of them just yet, but I want you to be aware of what is available to you when you are ready.

I encourage you to reach out to an organization such as The Compassionate Friends or Parents of Murdered Children, so that you are surrounded by others who are familiar with the profound grief of losing a child to death. It's unrealistic to think that you can manage this overwhelming grief all by yourself – especially when you are coping not only with the loss of your son but also with death by homicide.

As a survivor of homicide, if you haven't already done so, I also encourage you to educate yourself about the subject. Read what others have written about it (see, for example, What to Do When the Police Leave by Bill Jenkins; you can go to Amazon.com to order it or ask for it at your local library). See also Bill's Web site, Homicide: Resources for Death, Grief and Survivors of Homicide, at http://www.willsworld.com ). Visit other Websites devoted to this subject, such as Gateway to Post Traumatic StressDisorder Information. See also the many links I have listed on the Traumatic Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site. Such sites will assure you that you are not alone in this tragedy, will offer you some ways to manage your grief, and will help you to recognize that if others can survive this most devastating of losses, then you can do it, too. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to acknowledge that you cannot do this alone. You've already taken the first step by sharing your story here, and I hope that you will follow through with some of these additional resources.

My prayer for you is that the day will come when the good memories you have of your beloved son will outweigh the bad, but I know that will take a very long time and a lot of work on your part. I'm sure you've discovered by now that the way you bear this burden is one day at a time, and if that's too much, you work at it one hour or even one minute at a time. But if you think that you're unable to do that all by yourself, I urge you to find someone to talk to about it -- someone who knows something about traumatic loss as well as about the grief that comes with having to bury your own child. That can be the best gift you could ever give yourself and your beloved son. Pick up the phone and ask your primary care physician to refer you to someone who specializes in loss and grief; call your local library, mortuary or hospice organization and ask what bereavement support services are available in your community. See if there is a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends where you live. See also Parents of MurderedChildren and the Violent Death Bereavement Society.

You say that you move from feeling lost, depressed and angry to sad, and I've no doubt that at times you feel as if you're going crazy -- but it is the situation you are in that is "crazy" -- not you. Feeling as if you are crazy is not the same as being crazy or having a mental illness. Whatever you are feeling and experiencing is a NORMAL reaction to this horrible, tragic event. I know that with support and understanding, you will make it through the difficult and challenging times of sadness and longing still ahead. For now, please know that we are thinking of you and holding you in our collective hearts.

[Gabi]

Marty, thank you for your response. I found that just writing the words helped because people around me, even though compassionate, seem to have this idea that "time heals" and you should "get better" every day. It's ridiculous to the point where I don't want to answer the question, "How are you doing?" because I don't want to hear the platitudes and cliches in response that make you feel like you're not "getting on with life" like they (who haven't a clue) think you should be. So I've been holding it in, even though I know better and speaking the words (or typing them) helped disperse that energy a bit. Am facing a hard task tomorrow of going through my son's belongings--taking back the paintings I had painted for him--the books we shared--the gifts exchanged--it's something I dread but must do. I have no expectations about any of it.

Thank you for your kind note and the resources you pointed me to. The parents of murdered children site helped -- I was able to distinguish the anxiety I had been feeling because it wasn't an accident or illness (that my mind could comprehend)that took my son -- it was a senseless act of utter violence unrelated to any "cause". It helped just to distinguish that the anger I was feeling was connected to the violence and to my mind not being able to find a "reason" or anything that could rationalize what happened.

[mfh]

Dear Gabi,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I must say that I have never been blessed with children so I won't pretend to know what you feel. I do know grief as I grieve the loss of my dear husband. I just want to reach out to you as your grieve and hope you will continue to post here if that is good for you. I find it so helpful to just share or vent or whatever and know someone who gets my pain as much as anyone else can ever do that...is sharing what I post. I know tomorrow and going through your son's belongings will be difficult. I still have not done that with my husband's things but you have to move things out of a house and are left with little choice. maybe just moving them and doing no more sorting than is essential would make it just a tiny bit easier. In any case, I will be thinking of you as you deal with this awful pain.

Peace

Mary

[Gabi]

Thanks, Mary. I appreciate your kind words.

[BPO Queen]

I lost my youngest (of two sons) in December. He was 27 and was shot to death in the parking lot after withdrawing $40 from an ATM machine. This occurred two weeks after my oldest son turned 30. They were two years apart and started a company together, hung out together and were best friends. A sixteen year old boy shot my son--it was his 3rd felony. It makes me sick to see this boy's face recurring in my thoughts from the news article. A child. I keep hearing an elongated silence, then, "Jamie's dead, Mom," in my eldest son's voice. Time is not helping. I am feeling a deep, heavy sadness that just won't let up. Before the past two weeks I had a "good" day sometimes. Now there's none. I'm physically sick, in danger of losing the job I started two weeks before my son's death and just wonder why the heck I am still here, what my life is supposed to be about. Sunday my son and I are scheduled to go through Jamie's belongings and take them with us from the house where he lived with a roommate. I move from feeling lost, depressed and angry to sad. When I had my children, they opened me up to a love and joy that was greater than anything I knew was possible and now I have the opposite-a deep and fathomless sadness.

[BPO Queen]

Oh Gabi, I feel like we are living parallel lives. I have (had) 2 sons too. My youngest was also killed in December. 2 days before Christmas. He and his brother had delivery routes they drove at night. On that Friday morning I got a call from daughter in law that my son had not returned home and she needed grandpa to pick her and daughter up and take her to work, and our granddaughter to school. I knew something was terribly wrong, I started trembling so bad I could hardy push the button on my phone. I called my other son, who said he would do some checking. But he knew, because he passed the accident scene that night not realizing it was his brother.

My son was killed by a drunk driver, also a paroled felon, driving a car he had stolen, when he blew through a stop sign at 80 miles an hour. I had to break the news to my 9 year old granddaught that her Daddy was dead. The presents he bought for her in my closet, wrapped just 24 hours before, waiting for our family Christmas celebration.

If I live to be a hundred I will never forget the look in her eyes as what I told her sunk in and she crumbled into my arms

The hardest thing I do every morning is get out of bed. My granddaughter has gained at least 20lbs. I ache for her so much I can hardly stand it. My older son misses his "bro" so much. Everynight he goes to work and he has to drive down the street and see the place his brother died. My closest friend lost her son just 3 years ago and she said soething to me that I have really hung on too. "Greif is a journey, it is a long hard road, but you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. There is no other way, you just have to keeping going. Life will never be the same but it will get better." I just wish like you, there was some way to get thru this faster! It hurts so bad. And as the Mom we are the one every one turns to dump their grief! As for work I have adopted a Scarlett O'Hara attitude at work. When I find my self hurting, I tell myself don't go there! You can think about this later.

And I take a deep breath and focus. Together we can get through this. I will pray for you everytime I start to think of my son, I will also think of yours and say a prayer.