The Loss Of My Children

[desolate]

Hi there, I'm hoping that if I put my thoughts into a visual form it will help me understand where my head is at. I have lost three children over the last 33 years. On the 8th August 1972 I lost my little girl, Stacey Louise to cot death. She was 4 months old and she was beautiful. A lovely sister for her older brother Paul, then 2 years old. I don't know how but I coped and got on with my life. I went on to have three more children, 2 more sons and another daughter. On the 30th Anniversary of Stacey's death my second eldest son, Lindley, died of a cardiac arrest. He had been very poorly for a couple of years and was in hospital but we all thought he would make it but then he had a relapse and his heart just couldn't handle it and gave up. He was a lovely young man who wouldn't hurt a fly. He couldn't even say no to requests made by people in case it hurt their feelings even when it would have been better for him to say no. He was 28 years old. He left two lovely daughters behind who I now have custody of. Three years down the line it hurts just as much as it did the day it happened and I will always miss him. And the fact that he died on the same day as his sister had 30 years before him has proper done my head in. As if that wasn't enough, on Friday the 13th of May 2005 my eldest son, Paul, was found dead at his flat. In less than 3 years I had lost my two big boys. Paul was 34 and very much his own man. He had been dead approx a week before he was found and it took the police until the 23rd June to find me. So he had been dead for around 5 weeks before I found out. He lived 350 miles away from me and I was going frantic at not being able to contact him but Paul was a wanderer and it wasn't unusual for him to disappear for a week or two and then ring me when he got back but he had not been gone for so long before. He lived on his own and kept the two areas of his life very separate. But that is the way he wanted it to be. As I have the two little girls I couldn't just up and off but I had only said to my husband that if I hadn't managed to make contact by the end of the week I was going to ring the police. Instead they found me. When you get a knock on the door and a policewoman or man is stood there you know before they even open their mouth that it is bad news. And I did. I knew the minute I opened the door to her that she was here about my beloved 1st born. I didn't know what to do then and I still don't know what to do now. The post mortem could not find any reason for his death and the inquest returned a verdict of natural causes. But what is natural about just dying for no apparent reason at the very young age of 34. He didn't drink and he didn't do drugs, the pm showed his heart, liver, lungs and kidneys to be sound so why did he have to die. Where is the logic in that. I have had to contain my grief and grieve when I am alone as it was affecting my youngest little girl very badly but my head just won't shut up. I have tried to find a little compartment in what is left of my heart to keep them in but they won't stay in there. I don't know who I am anymore or what I did that was so wrong that I had to be punished in this way. I feel that the last 34 years have all been for nothing. These three children were all from my 1st marriage and I feel like I have lost a full family. All I have left are memories and some photos. Not a lot is it? I have my son (now 24) and my daughter (now 27) from my second marriage and my two little angels (now 5 and 7)and I love them all dearly and I thank the Lord that I still have them but I am so scared that they will be taken from me that it stops me interacting with them properly and that isn't fair on them, they have done nothing wrong. I feel so angry. I know that this pain will never ever go away and right now it just all seems too big for me. I know that somehow it is all my fault and this leads me to question my right to be a mother at all. How can I be responsible for 4 other lives when I couldn't keep the other three safe and well. I keep thinking that I should have just gone to his home when I couldn't reach him but I had no reason to think that he was dead. He had friends all over the country and would sometimes go to stay with them for a week or two. Sometimes I think that I am going crazy and that I serve no useful purpose whatsoever. I don't go out of the house unless I have to, I don't sleep very well, I don't eat very well and I try very hard to keep things normal for the two little ones but for the most part I just go through the motions and I don't do that very well either. What's left of my heart is in pieces and I just don't know if it will ever go back together again at all. I just feel so desolate, that I could and should have done more to prevent my eldest sons death. How I wish I could turn the clock back and have a second chance but that will never be. I want my children to forgive me for letting them all down so badly but I can't even ask them for that now can I? What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. People think that I am coping as I am calm on the outside but inside I am a seething mass of turmoil. Perhaps it will ease with time, it is still very early days yet but I hadn't got over Lindleys death then Paul died so I can't see it easing much. There is so much more that I could say, I could go on for ever, but I have gone on long enough now so I would just like to say thank you very much for listening to me it has helped a little. Thank you.

[Meow-Meow's Mommy]

Dear One,

I don't know the loss you are suffering, but I do know loss, personally. I don't have any children either, but I have nieces and nephews and friends who have children, and I know that does not compare to being a mother, or losing a child, so I won't even try to tell you that I understand, because I don't. However, I know you are hurting and I know some of the emotions you share in the losses I have had in my life. My best friend from high school had a baby when she was 17, his name is Tommy. In 1997, right before his 15th birthday he went with family friends to an outing, but they went somewhere they weren't supposed to go and my friend, Debbie, didn't know. She got a call in the middle of the night that there had been an auto accident, and that her son did not survive. That is the closest I personally have gotten to know the loss of a child.

I would like to say to you that none of it was your fault, that you did do your very best as a parent and as a mother, that is apparent in the 2 grandchildren from the one son, and the evidence that your older son was leading a happy, productive life 350 miles away from you. Life is too short and life is not fair, but these deaths were not your fault.

The last 34 years of your life were not a waste, a wash up, they were not for not. You now have 2 grandbabies who need you and who are a product of those 34 years. Love NEVER dies, love will live on into eternity, and after this life, we will all see and find out that loves does indeed live on into eternity. You produced 3 beautiful children in those 34 years who now, are waiting your arrival someday, but in the meanwhile, need you to raise the 2 grandbabies. You will be reunited with your 3 children one day, and your 2 grandbabies, and your other 2 children from your 2nd marriage.

These are just some of the thoughts I was having after reading your post, I hope it makes sense, I hope it brings you some encouragement. I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,

In Loving Memory of Meow-Meow and

In Loving Memory of Loyd English, Jr.

Tracy

[angel588]

My heart goes out to you...I have to struggle to see my grandchildren...I love them dearly with my whole being...but they're NOT the child I lost and will always miss him...I don't believe that any person can make up for another...people say to me..well, you have your grandchildren...yes and I'm thankful..but I want my child...He too was a grown man...a good father and excellent son,,no one can fill his void in my heart...Three children...I just can't even imagine!!!!

[Guest Guest_desolate_*]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post, it means a great deal to me. It is hard for me to open up, that is what grief has done to me but I am glad that I did for it really did help just to get it out of my head and to know that people care enough to respond even when they are grieving themselves is great comfort in itself. My heart goes out to both of you for your losses, Tracy, you obviously loved Tommy a great deal and the fact that he was not your son but your friends does not make yout grief any less painful. Your friend is lucky to have such a caring friend like you. Thank you so much for your reply. Angel588, I am so sorry you too have lost your son and I am so sorry you struggle to see your grandchildren, I am lucky in the respect that I have legal custody of mine and whilst they do not replace the children I have lost they have been my lifeline, if it hadn't been for them I don't know if I would be strong enough to get through this dark time. With the best will in the world my dead children no longer need me and my other two have their own homes and their own lives to lead and they don't need me all that much either but these two little girls do and I thank the Lord daily that I have them. They are what gets me out of bed in the morning and what gets me through each day. I try so hard to put some fun into their day but it is so hard sometimes to have fun when the fun has gone out of life and I am sure that you both understand that feeling. I do hope that the pain lessens as time goes on for all of us and I thank you both from the bottom of my heart for caring. Thank you.

June

[Guest Mary]

June, I am so sorry for your losses and all you are experiencing. I lost my youngest son to murder 9 years and that pain was, and is, so painful I cannot imagine losing 3 of my children. Surviving the loss of our loved ones is just really hard work and I don't think the pain ever goes away. But Tracy is right, there was nothing you could have done that would have saved your children. You are a wonderful mother, I can tell by your writings, and you did everything possible for them. Don't try to imagine the future because you can't possibly imagine what is in store. You just have to take this one day, one hour, one minute at a time and one day you find yourself way down the road and you can even laugh again. You have survived three children (I can hardly breath just thinking about that) and you have to go on for those little girls and your other grown children. You can do this because you don't have a choice. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary

[Guest June]

Oh Mary,I read your reply to my post and I thank you very much for your very kind words. I really felt the need to reply to yours but I just don't know what to say to you that might help you or ease your pain. I felt such deep pain for you and I am so so sorry that you lost your baby in such a way, it must be a terrible thing for you to have to try to come to terms with. I cannot imagine how it must make you feel or how you cope but my heart goes out to you and you are in my thoughts and my prayers. Please Keep safe.