Alexandra Hazel

[hopediva]

Hello All,

I was told by a counselor I started seeing in December that I should join a grief support group. I am new to the idea of blogging to strangers about something so personal I have a hard time talking to family about it.

Last year we lost our daughter. Alexandra Hazel. She was 36 weeks along.

Although I have had many miscarriages. (A total of 7 pregnancies with only one live birth.) This is my first third trimester loss. In the past we have been very careful about getting attached to our baby until we have past the 5 month mark. Not even telling family or co-workers about the pregnancy until that point. After the fist few times and trying to explain when catching up with friends who were absent in our lives for a few months. That while we were pregnant, we are no longer. We decided to keep everything very quiet until a later date when it was more of a sure thing.

Alexandra wasn't a very active baby. She didn't have the acrobatics of my previous daughter's pregnancy. Although she moved, she wasn't a strong kicker, or a frequent mover. I was assured by our OB that this isn't necessarily abnormal and we proceeded along with everything.

I started to have nightmares and a sense that something wasn't quite right about 2 weeks before we lost her. For some reason, all these premonitions centered around premature labor and delivery. It never once crossed my mind that we could have a stillbirth. Depending on the different literature one reads, stillbirths are rather uncommon. In our particular area, we had a very low risk pregnancy pool. My particular OB had only seen one in his 20 years of experience that occurred some 15 years previously.

The shock of our drastically altered circumstances, while trying to convey to our (then) 3 year old daughter that she would no longer have the little sister I had told her so much about. Was quite stressful. In addition to that, a career opportunity came available for my husband that we had been hoping for for the past year. A chance for better pay and advancement. However it came available on the East Coast. 2500 miles from where we were in rural Rocky Mountains.

We have had other major changes. My husband was traveling back and forth to Japan for work. He happened to be at the Nuclear Site in Japan when the earthquake and tsunami hit just previous to our loss.

In addition to dealing with all this.

I do not get along well with some of my family. We have had strained relations for over 10 years and I have made a great effort to include (my mother specifically) in my pregnancy as I knew that it meant a lot to her to be involved.

My mother had 9 children. All have lived, She had a 1st term miscarriage then went on to have another two children.

Although I do not mean in anyway to marginalize the loss of a child who is simply younger than one of my own losses. I simply can't agree that she could possibly understand what I am going through. In the past our attempts to keep silent our early losses stem from her interference and determined efforts of bringing our private affairs into light with whoever she happened to be talking with.

I honestly think she does it for the attention and sympathy from co-workers and friends who she has indiscriminately told of my issues with conception and carrying children.

I just received a Mother's Day greeting from her. In which, she rehashed all the things I have chosen not to include in my correspondence with her. Including a choice phrase of hers that she completely understands where I am coming from and hopes that I can realize that other people go on to have normal pregnancies.

We had decided to wait to try and have another child until we felt more settled after the move. In January I got pregnant again. My husband and I (admittedly) placed too much hope in our new life far too early. After a month of bed rest we still lost our latest addition.

She of course has no way of knowing that, so I can't blame the timing of her letter. However it only serves to separate us further.

Other family members have been horribly callus and uncaring, cutting off contact with us and shunning us when they feel uncomfortable. Two of my sister in laws have had babies in the last year. Another family member has had two pregnancies in the last year and a half. All of which were unplanned.

I can't help but be jealous. Not necessarily of the babies they are having or the families that are growing (although it is partly that). But mostly I am totally jealous of their ignorance of the many things that can (and do in fact) happen during pregnancy and delivery. Their happy unplanned nonchalance toward bringing another life into this world. And I'm jealous that I will never again be able to plan a pregnancy without a plan B. Where to give the car-seat, crib, blankets and toys to if (or often times when) we lose our baby.

I had never before had to consider funeral arrangements. Birth and Death Certificates. Cremation VS burial. All I was considering was what color scheme I should try and get the crib linens in. I am jealous of their innocence. Their naïvety. And at the same time I hope they stay that way.

hopediva

[MartyT]

My dear friend,

My heart goes out to you as I read your story, and I am so very sorry to learn of all your unspeakable losses ~ so many precious babies ~ I simply cannot imagine the depth of your pain. And this most recent one must have been among the very worst. Such a bittersweet experience: to know that you are pregnant once again, when a part of you wants to shout from the mountaintops and let the entire world know your boundless joy, while at the same time being scared to death that if you give voice to that joy, once again your hopes and dreams will be dashed ~ and then to have your worst nightmares come true! Horrible, horrible, horrible.

When I was a young mom, my second baby died 3 days after birth, following what we thought was a normal pregnancy. That was many years ago, way before any sort of grief counseling for bereaved young mothers was available, or even considered as needed and appropriate. Many years later, after ten years of trying, my still childless younger son and daughter-in-law experienced three failed attempts at in-vitro fertilization, and every one of those failures felt like a death in our family. At the same time all of this was happening, my older son and his wife had no trouble at all getting pregnant, giving birth to one healthy baby after another, and both within their first two years of marriage. In their youthful and newlywed enthusiasm, they had precious little understanding of what seemed to them my very muted reaction to their always wonderful news. At a time when I was expected by my older son and his wife to be filled with joy at the prospect of being a grandmother, what I really felt was deep sorrow for my younger son and his wife, and rage at the unfairness of it all. I truly felt like a crazy person.

I share this with you just to let you know that I understand completely your feelings of jealousy, and I know firsthand the havoc and confusion life's unfairness can cause within a family. I also want you to know that you are not alone. When the people in your own circle (family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc.) cannot "be there" in ways that you need them to be, it's important to look elsewhere for the understanding and support you need and deserve. Fortunately, nowadays there are many, many resources aimed at those who've suffered miscarriage and perinatal loss. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that you must bear this heavy sorrow all by yourself. Go to the Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing website, and you'll find an extensive list of links to those resources I've found and explored. Spend some time in this forum, reading some of the threads by other mothers who've suffered losses similar to your own. Everyone's grief journey is unique, but there are many common elements we can share with one another, and it helps so much to know that, if others can endure the most horrific losses and survive, then you will find a way to do it, too. My thoughts and prayers are with you, my dear, and you have my deepest sympathy ♥