Non-Stop Crying

[Guest babylady]

today was another day of non-stop crying. didn't get up till 1:30 pm and it started and didn't stop. a friend called and i could barely have a conversation with her. the only time it stopped was when i fell asleep a few times -- probably exhaustion from crying.

it's almost 11:30 pm and the tears are still coming. sometimes i'm afraid they'll never stop. i've given up wearing makeup. the mascara runs and i look like something out of a horror movie.

next saturday will be 5 months since my beloved john passed. i miss him more than words can express.

having several illnesses doesn't help my situation.

friends tell me to get out more. they don't understand that i don't want to go out when i'm feeling ill. i need a lot of sleep.

thank you all for being here for me.

hugs to all of you.

arlene

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Arlene

I am so very sorry. It's been about the same length of time for me and it hasn't got better at all. I am still in the numb and disbelieving stage and maybe this is why I'm not crying all the time. The times when I cry are when I talk to someone about Pete or when I read a poem alongside his ashes which I do daily. But to be honest I still don't actually beleive he is dead and its when I look at his vibrant face in photos I have to confront it and then I can't even bear the thought. I wonder of you should visit the doctor to get some help with anti depressant just for a short time? Ae you getting any counselling? I can't remember if you said you were. I so feel for you. We are all here for you and know how it is.

Jan

[Guest babylady]

i've been on anti-depressants for a few months. i have a bereavement counselor. spoke to her last week. she thinks i'm doing okay. so do my friends who are in NY except for 1 and she's ill too. it seems as the seasons change i get worse. he had his first seizure february 28 and passed in may 27. i can't believe it's october. i'm in phoenix so it's still warm. now the new tv programs are on and i think of how we watched them together. saturday nights we'd get a movie and have a blizzard from dairy queen. i hadn't eaten pasta since he was home and the other night i cooked some spaghetti and had it with tomato basil sauce. i just couldn't eat it before then. there are still certain things i can't eat or places i can't go. i've developed all these fears of things happening and being alone.

arlene

[Wifflesnook]

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to do things. We have a lovely field a few miles away. It is our pride and joy. I have been there once and can't bring myself to go again. I can't cook a roast even if I had company to do it for. I can't go to the local pub even though people ask me. I can't do loads and loads of things. My life feels bleak and pointless and I'm only able to live because I couldn't do anything else. I don't know how long it will be before we feel like taking art in life but to be honest I don't even want to. I think we just have to endure this, eat, keep ourselves clean, try to distract ourselves with reading or watching tv and talk to other people who have gone through ths as they are the only ones who understand.

[mfh]

Dear Arlene,

I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain for you are experiencing. I was there not too long ago. It has been 30 months and I know telling you it gets better means not much of anything right now but at least put the thought in your head that you will NOT feel like this forever. I do understand the non stop crying but you WILL stop. I have never seen anyone who does not stop. I am sorry but I can't recall what illness you have. I do know that in the first several months after Bill died I had pneumonia (a first as i am never sick), broke two fingers in a fall, tore my rotator cuff, had a car accident and was exhausted constantly. It all seems to go with the path. We are exhausted and sad and more prone to illness and even falls. It DOES get easier but for now I do think finding something you have even a little interest in would help and going out for walks would help you sleep. I started water color lesson at about the 4th month and it was a distraction and I still do this. I am not trying to sound like the model griever here...believe me I was far from that but there are some basics that help. Getting out for a walk each day even twice a day helps reduce stress and helps you sleep and it distracts you. Having lunch with people, even those you have to pretend to be "fine" with is at least a distraction. Sitting in the house 24/7 and doing little else will feed the pain. Even if you walk and cry or go to lunch with someone and have to leave...it is a start. Not sure you read my latest posts but I just had a couple of weeks where I crashed (happens rarely now) and even when I crashed, though I pulled back from some things, I still did other things and went places. Again I am not here to have YOUR answers. I just know that gut wrenching pain and will never ever forget it. In the midst of it we MUST do somethings for ourselves...not to run from the pain. I am a believer in feeling our pain...but we must also balance things so that we get relieve, get sleep, and stay as healthy as possible. I hope you will consider some of this...sort of a take charge attitude...and at least get out for long walks or drives. Have you told your grief counselor what your days and nights are like? I do hope you get some relieve today...a long bath to relax you perhaps. Peace, Mary

[missing him]

Arlene - I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. I am going on 6 months on the 4th so I can relate. I cry so much through out the day. Sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards. He would not want you to hurt so much and it is making your health issues worse. I would suggest trying to change your medications. Maybe they aren't the right ones. Try to do little things for yourself - pamper yourself. If you are not able to do it for YOU, do it for him.

I know all the advice sometimes goes in one ear and out the other, but one of these days, we will get there. There is no right or wrong way in our grief process. It is the hardest thing in the world to go through Missing Him

[Guest babylady]

Jan,

i know what you mean by life feeling pointless, but what else can we do? i have to take care of my cat. that keeps me going. john's things are packed up -- thanks to howie. there are a few other things like a bread maker and panini maker that i guess should go to the poor. trying to pack up some of my things too.

[Guest babylady]

Mary,

some good advice. unfortunately i can't walk far without my back hurting. i just changed monkey's litter pan -- had to do it in 2 steps -- had to lie down in between -- so much pain. just washing a few dishes causes pain. i changed the bedsheets and that was an ordeal. had to take a vicodin. the pain is in my back, neck and down my arms into my hands. i've been to a pain center and had 6 epidural shots which didn't work. i also have IBS and chronic fatigue syndrome.

if it wasn't for the health problems i think i would be doing better.

[Wifflesnook]

I met a friend today and she said that last time she saw me she was really worried about me but this time she was not as I seemed so much better. But I kind of hated this because I'm not any better. What I am doing is going through the motions in terms of activities. I walk the dog, talk rationally, shop etc. I am an empty shell really but to the outside view I must seem ok. I bet many of you know what I mean. But I suppose so long as I can just appear to be functioning ok it's better I should. Yes. What else can we do?

[mfh]

dear Jan,

People started telling me that about 5-6 months after Bill died. I knew inside I was probably worse as the fog was lifting and why they thought I was "better" I will never know except people see what they need to see. Yesterday a dear friend, one of a small handful of soul-sisters sent me a PDF of a painting she finished in the middle of the night after dreaming it several nights. It was in honor of her daughter and me. She said both of us are in pain and others do not see us (the pain filled person) and it hurts her.

Jan, we here see you and your pain no matter how you look. We know you and your pain.

Mary

[mfh]

Arlene,

I am so sorry for all the physical pain you are dealing with in addition to the loss of your love. I did not know. I went through those early months in a lot of pain so I do know how that adds to the challenge. I hope physical therapy or something can help you in this regard. I am sorry. Are you able to swim or just be in the water. That usually is good for pain. Wish I had a magic wand for you.

Peace to our heart,

Mary

[Guest babylady]

Mary

thank you mary. i never learned how to swim. i do have a pilates machine and i try to use it at least 3 times a week. want to stay as flexible as i can and howie's massages help even though there very painful. he does therapeutic massage.

i take hot baths. i have a large bathtub where i can almost lie down in it.

[Guest babylady]

Jan,

my friends except for howie are all out of town, but i talk on the phone with them. they say "i'm doing better". my friend michael said i'm not depressed that he would be able to tell. bereavement counseler doesn't think i'm depressed -- just grieving. i just feel like i'm moving backwards -- guess it's just another phase of bereavement.

well louise is here, but she lives about 15 miles away and she has CFS and back pain too -- so we talk on the phone. listening to her problems lets me forget about mine for a while. she says we have to accept our illnesses, but john always told me i would get better. i'm still hopeful. i used to be such an active person -- typical A type personality.

i put on an act when i'm out in public too. don't want to cry in front of people, but several times i have. one time i was almost hyper ventilating and one of the men in the grocery store wanted to bring me back into their break room. the store has a furniture department and when i'm shopping i have to stop and rest and sit on one of their comfortable chairs to relieve the back pain.

[Wifflesnook]

It's almost as though we need to live in a different world than those who haven't lost a loved one. Not just a virtual community of grievers, but a real one. Because the world goes on around us and everyone just carries on as though our catastrophe (not the right word) hasn't happened. I know we need to rejoin the world (or at least I think I do) but truly at this stage of my lfe I don't want to. I feel like a different person than I was before Pete became ill. Not better, not worse, but totally different.

[Guest babylady]

i feel like the world is going on around me, but i'm not part of it. i'm just viewing it. strange feeling.

[mfh]

Jan,

I read an article yesterday about those who work with Hospice and how they sort of live in two worlds...I think we live in two worlds....the one everyone lives in and then this one of loss and grief. I think those who lost someone on 911 live in a world only they can understand and those who lost a child and on and on. The key for me has been and is, to find those who share my path as much as humanly possible. There are life changing events in all our lives. Frankly those who have not had one (as ridiculous as this sounds) are missing something that deepens us and makes us more compassionate should we allow that to happen. We all know people like that...It sounds like Sandra is someone who knows what you feel and also that other neighbor you mentioned who lost a daughter. We all need allies on this journey. Love Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Yes Mary, I think it must make us more compassionate for sure. I actually feel as though I don't think about others much, but am selfishly thinking g about me all the time, but I truly do feel others' pain even though I don't do anything about it right now.i know that you get the opportunity to give help (and of course you do it on the forum to us all the time). Just had to clear a little box of letters and stuff that Pete had gathered together. Appointments, info sheets etc. the last time it was touched was by him. Such sharp pain from such a trivial task. They go on and on and on don't they?

[mfh]

I believe when we are in those early months of loss that our pain is so overwhelming that life IS about our pain and ourselves. What you do not know, perhaps, is that in sharing YOUR pain here, you DO help others to share theirs and to feel less alone. Yes, Jan, it does go on and on. I found a box of cards in the basement as I start to sort boxes we never unpacked...and of course, it opens up all the pain again which is just sitting there all the time anyway. I AM glad you found the box as painful as it is. It is also comforting.

Love

Mary

[kayc]

I totally agree with what Mary said. It has to be about us when we're grieving, it is overwhelmingly the biggest issue in life! It obliterates everything else! A wise friend or family member will understand that and be patient and tolerant with us...not all of us are so lucky though. Families and friends fail us. It is up to us to find a positive support for ourselves, whether through new friends or a grief support group. We learn to love our families in a new way...understanding they may have limitations and interacting differently in accordance...perhaps not depending on them or expecting much from them yet still seeing them on occasion. I was lucky, my family was pretty understanding considering they hadn't been through it themselves...it was my friends that disappeared. With others it's been the opposite.

Arlene, you're hitting one of the harder phases...at somewhere around six months (five to seven) it seems to be one of the more difficult times, perhaps because shock has worn off, families/friends have gone home, left us and "moved on"...whereas we can't. We are stuck in this and have to deal with it, we don't have a life to go back to like they do. We have our work cut out for us. Reality sets in and we begin to realize so many things. It takes time to find our "new normal" if you can call it that. You will make it through all of this, the same as we all have, with patience for yourself, and lots of grief work, one day at a time. And we will be here to help you through it. (((hugs)))

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Arlene and all

I hope you are feeling just a tiny bit better now. I am struggling like you and it's almost six months since my Pete died and almost a year since the stroke struck him down and our lives changed utterly. What I am finding hardest is believing he was ever here despite being surrounded by our home with all our possessions that we chose and shared. I feel lost like you obviously do. I don't even want to feel better in some ways. We have to turn to each other and Mary and Kay especially just KNOW how we are feeling. I am so much with you and do hope you can see some improvement soon. I can't help but only can say you aren't alone.

Jan