Feeling So Overwhelmed

[ShanN]

I am so sick with the flu. My husband, who has major health issues as a result of being insulin dependent for 30 yrs since age 19, is again hospitalized. His twin brother died at age 43 from all of this, congestive heart failure, stage 3 renal failure, TIA's, COPD. He is 52 and has had multiple heart attacks, a triple bypass heart surgery, 3 stents, and is now being diagnosed at the very very early stages of Alzheimer's. right now he is in the hospital with complication from the flu... His congestive heart failure is acting up, his COPD is too, he has fluid on his lungs and around his heart which is not improving. I cannot be there, because I am sick with the flu, bronchitis, etc...

My own family, I have zero support, and 100 percent negative judgement. Because they blame me for my my Mom's murder when I was 15. And they won't accept that my stepfather abused and raped me from age 5 until he shot her. My aunts, my own brother and half sister. They are cut out of my life. I have tried until I am blue in the face to apologize... But I finally last year realized, I have nothing to apologize for. I was always the one to call back and take the heat. But no more. And sadly, that has left me very alone. Being alone in grief for my Mom and memories of all his abuse involved and his taking her life away, my Nana who I cared for and watched suffer from cancer, my uncle who I cared for and watched suffer from cancer, and the unborn child that was stolen from me... Is heartbreaking. And daily, 24/7 terrifying fear of losing my husband and feeling we are living "on borrowed time", because drs said he would be very lucky to see 50, is horrible. But he is 52, so on one hand, what do the drs know? On the other hand, I feel like its all borrowed time now. But I try so hard to just let each day be a gift.

Wasn't sure where to type all this, I'm just overwhelmed. When I'm overwhelmed, things I write tend to not make much sense, at least to me. So forgive me...

Going to try to rest. I need to get well, so I can go be with my darling hubby. I think I got worn down from taking care of him and worrying about him 24/7. I must take care of me.

[MartyT]

Shannon, my dear, I assure you that you've made yourself perfectly clear, and we understand completely how and why you're feeling so overwhelmed. (I would seriously question your state of mind if you were NOT feeling exactly as you've described, given all that you're dealing with!)

There is nothing we can do to change your circumstances, but I do want you to know that your words have been heard. We are here for you, Shannon, at least in a spiritual way, and we are holding you close in our thoughts and lifting your husband in our prayers . . .

[mfh]

Shannon,

I am glad you are resting and that your husband is getting the medical care he needs and also his absence is providing you with some time to sleep and rest.

It is sad but common that your family members do not know how to respond to you. You are dealing with it all with your therapist and your group and that is excellent.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. You posted for me yesterday but I did not log on yesterday. I thank you for your wishes. I am doing quite well and on the mend.

Now you take care of yourself.

Peace,

Mary