Boyfriend Has Ended Things After His Ex Died.

[Priscilla]

Hi,

This is my first time here although have lead through some posts in the past as was trying help my BF with his grief.

I'll start at the beginning although it will be long & complicated.

Me & D have known each other for 14years-he was the older brother of one of my close friends. I knew he liked me years ago but he was in various relationships & I was always he's my friends older brother that's weird. Anyhow fast forward to 3 1/2 years ago & his sisters marriage was over & both of us were comforting her separately but didn't see each other & had only seen each other once in the year before. He mentioned to her one day he'd had a dirty dream about me the night before which she then told me about. We laughed about it but it played on my mind for a few days before I went out for a drink & after a couple of drinks sent him a message on Facebook as we were already friends asking if he'd had any nice dreams. We had a few jokey messages & he asked for my phone number. We text a few times-just about his sister & how she was doing & he asked if he could take me for a drink to thank me for giving her support. We went for a drink & got on really well & he told me how much he'd liked me from afar but I was even nicer when he'd actually spoken to me properly.

He asked if I could give him a few days to sort his situation out with his then girlfriend. They had been close friends for 2 years before she left her husband for him. They were then together on & off for 10 years although he said after 2 years they just became friends & on a few occasions he had left her for other people but when they didn't work out he went back. The most recent time he left her was for 18months but when that relationship ended he went back but he said he knew within days that was a mistake but they were close friends & it suited them both to stay living together (she has 2 adopted children with her ex who she needed help with & she lived 2 mins from his work whereas his flat is 45mins away) & they were in separate bedrooms anyhow. For many of the years they were together she took on the role of his whole family as his mum had severe dementia & his dad left when he was young.

He spoke to her after our drink & they agreed to split up. He had tenants in the flat he owned & gave them notice & rather than moving twice in a few weeks we agreed he would stay there & she agreed as they were still friends. During this time we got to know each other & fell in love. The night before he was due to move out she asked him to take her to A&E as she was in pain. She had to stay in & a few days later got her results & it was cancer. He felt he couldn't leave her at that time & even though I asked if he wanted to leave things between us he said no. A few weeks later she was told it was terminal & they expected her to have a max of 2 years. I asked him what he wanted to do with us as understandably he was upset & we decided to leave things but try to stay friends. However a few weeks later I discovered I was pregnant & that changed things. He moved out & although it was only meant to be temporary till we sorted things out he moved in with me. I lost the baby a few weeks later but during that time we realised we couldn't be without each other & so he spoke to her & she said she understood. However a few weeks later she started to ring every few days making him feel guilty & told him he had to stay with her, it was his duty & she had no one else. For 18months we were happy but everytime she got in contact he wrestled with his emotions & finally when she was told they would stop the chemo we agreed that he would go back to help out as she told him it would likely to be a 3 months & he wanted his conscience to be clear that he had done everything he could. I knew he didn't love her as anything more than a friend & I felt our relationship was strong enough. He told her that he would be staying with me & it was only as a friend. During this time it was awful & he bore the brunt of everything from her along with holding down a demanding job. I tried my best to support him but understandably we argued at times but we were still madly in love & we talked about buying a house, getting married, getting a dog & having a baby. She outlived all expectations & died 9months later in December. Whilst there he got no support from her family or friends & I was the only one who was there for him.

Since she died it has hit him harder than he thought it would but I thought we would get through it. I've tried to be understanding & help. I didn't want to rush him so he moved back into his flat & we went back to dating. He said he's emotionally exhausted from the last year & isn't able to give me anything. I told him I didn't need him to give me anything I just wanted to support him & we agreed to try to work through it. I was trying to help hence how I found this site.

On Weds he rang to say he doesn't want to be in a relationship & it's not fair on me & he has realised he doesn't want children so he needs to let me go to find happiness & have the family I want. I accepted it & wished him happiness. He said he would write me a letter explaining things as he couldn't say it & drop it off yesterday. When there was no letter I text asking if he had written the letter-he said yes but he was feeling unwell so hadn't dropped it off. I tried to ring & he cut my call so I text saying I hope he felt better soon & have heard nothing since.

Now I don't know what to do-I have to respect he doesn't want to be in a relationship but I am also desperately worried about him & how he's coping & I really don't know how I can help other than staying away.

One final thing I am 100% sure he was not in love with her & is not grieving her as a partner.

[kayc]

I would definitely respect his wishes, even though it will be hard for you to do so. He may be feeling confused or guilty, not uncommon with grief. It sounds like he's all over the place, which isn't uncommon with grief either...when you're grieving, it's hard to think straight. He may not be grieving her as a partner, but as some kind of "family" to him. They had a long extensive relationship, that doesn't mean they'd make it as a couple or that they were in love, but that they were something to each other. Sometimes love is hard to define...I "love" my kids' dad, but we sure didn't go together either, and were not ever "in love" with each other.

Right now I'd focus on YOU and try to keep busy and see friends/family to help you through this. Only time will tell how things end up.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, I know how rough it is.

[Priscilla]

Thank you for your reply.

I am trying to respect his wishes & didn't contact him at all yesterday which I know is just the first day but it's a start.

I am trying to understand things from his point of view & I do agree he's mourning her as a family member-the day after she died he said she'd been the best sister he could ever have(he has 2 sisters & always feels like he's the only one who gives anything in their relationship & often feels excluded by them).

I think because she's his ex it complicates things for him & you are right that there probably is a lot of guilt about how he feels he treated her. He said whilst he was back there that he had dealt with his guilt but I am not so sure.

I know he's angry at the lack of help he got from her family as she always told him they weren't interested in helping her, however her last couple of weeks she went into a hospice & her family were there a lot more then. Whilst she was there her sister told him they had wanted to help but she hadn't wanted them there & they respected her wishes (I had always told him I thought that was the case & he should talk to them but he didn't). Before she died he told me how he realised how she had manipulated the situation to get him back there & so I think he has a lot of anger at her but obviously she's no longer here & I don't think he feels he can be angry at her. I've tried to tell him he can be angry at her & to write her a letter but I don't know if he has or will.

[kayc]

I wish he'd let you stay in his life because I think you could be a big help to him, but alas they make their decisions and we have to respect that. If they aren't open to us, there's not much we can do.

Three weeks before my late husband passed away, he told me he'd been doing drugs. We'd been dealing with that, got him into rehab, etc. when he suddenly had a heart attack and died. Other than the drugs, he'd been the best husband in the world. My grief was greatly complicated by this drug issue, for every dollar he spent on drugs was accompanied by lies and theft of $ from me. Over the next couple of years, I began to put two and two together and figure out all of the lies/thefts, and as I did, I had to deal with each and every one. I felt angry with him but he wasn't here for me to talk to. I think we had high probability of making it through this difficult time, but he didn't live long enough to see that happen.

Your XBF is having to deal with her manipulation, and it's so much more difficult after their death than before. It's confusing and your feelings can range from high to low on any given day. You can feel love, anger, faith, lack of trust, you name it! And all are valid. I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to take the whole of the man and love and remember him for ALL of who he was. He was a wonderful husband and stepfather, the most caring man I've ever met. He would help anyone in need and give the shirt off his back. He was so loving and protective, such a vibrant person full of zest for life, hard working, but he made this one mistake...he used drugs to help him keep up at work, his energy level was down, and for some stupid reason, he thought that was the answer...never realizing that he had heart trouble and THAT'S why his energy level was down, and instead of help his physical condition, worsened it. I've had to forgive him for this lack of judgment and for each and every indiscretion that accompanied his drug use. It took time, maybe three years or so to work through. Today, while I am aware of what he did, I no longer give it much thought. I remember the man I married and love, and have been able to fully forgive him.

Your XBF will need much time to work through the complications of his grief...the complications of his relationship with her. It wasn't cut and dried. I'm sure he feels all kinds of things. I really wish he would seek the help of a grief counselor (I did), they are equipped to help one through the maze of grief and this journey of healing.

I understand his feeling like he can't do a relationship right now and putting that aside or on hold, but he's not in a position right now to make big decisions (like whether or not to have kids). I'm sure having kids is the furthest thing from his mind right now and he can't fathom it, of course he can't, his mind is in a muddle and he can't think straight! It take a long time to get your focus back when you're grieving. It sure did me! I feel like grief is akin to taking your heart, brain, and soul and smashing it against a brick wall repeatedly. What you are left with after that smashing is what you have to deal with things. It's hard!

Writing her a letter is a good idea, I've written many to George. It helps to express yourself like that, also to have someone you can verbalize your thoughts and feelings to. I think this comes harder for men that women.

[Priscilla]

I'm sorry about your late husband & am pleased you are able to remember him as the wonderful person he was & can forgive his one mistake - you have real strength and shown real love. Forgiveness is key & that's really good you've been able to fully forgive him without being able to ask him for answers.

I hadn't thought of grief as taking your heart, brain and soul out but that makes a lot of sense. He says he has been having problems working through things as he's heads all over the place & although I told him to take his time & work one thing out at a time he has struggled with it. I think that also comes down to him trying to rush through his grief as he knew he'd put me through a tough year. When his heart, brain and soul are in pieces it's not surprising nothing is making sense.

I have luckily not been affected by grief since I was very young so trying to help him has been a big learning curve & I possibly have made mistakes but I have tried my best to help him but as you say unless he wants me to help him I can't do anything. He's not very good at opening up about things & has previously said our relationship was the first one he'd had where we could sit & talk through things without it ending up in an argument & it took a while for him to get used to that.

I have suggested he see a counsellor - both before & after her death but he's dismissed it. I wish I'd tried harder before she died but he kept telling me he didn't need to yet he really did. I think now he has got so used to bottling up his feelings he would struggle to open up which is why I suggested the letter but I don't know if he will.

I am hoping that us not been together will take part of the pressure off of him & he'll be able to focus on working through his grief without worrying about not giving me enough as whatever happens with us making sure he's ok is more important.

[Priscilla]

Just a little update to my post from 2months ago.I saw my ex yesterday for the first time since the night we split up.

We had been speaking about once a week previously & I sent him a card about always being there & he suggested meeting up so we did.

We went for a coffee & he said he is feeling much better about things-he feels like he's grieved & that what he did for her feels like a lifetime ago.He said the odd song reminds him of her but he feels ok about it just sad for her that she's no longer here.

I asked how he was feeling about us & he said he wishes things had gone differently & he hadn't made the choices that he did but maybe our time had passed.I suggested that if there was a chance for us we could try being friends to see if we could overcome things but he said he didn't think we could go back to where we had been so as much as he wanted to be friends it would just be friends. I know I can't move forward if we stay friends as I will always want to be with him & he understood that.

I told him I always thought we'd end up together & he said who knows that might happen but he just wanted me to be happy & have the family I want.

I left it by saying it was nice knowing him & he said he would always be there for me if I needed anything & I walked away.

I don't know if this is still the grief as he says he's ok & dealt with it or if I just accept that his feelings for me have changed.

I've tried so hard not to put pressure on him over the past 2months & we only met up when he suggested it. I didn't speak about us until he brought it up & gave him the pressure free idea of if there being a chance we could start off as friends & build it from there but he wasn't interested in it.

[kayc]

Grief is a powerful things and it leaves us changed forever, and that's probably how he feels. He probably also feels guilty for what he put you through as it wasn't fair to you and you didn't deserve it. He may feel that having done so, it's unsurmountable. I've wondered the same thing because when my fiance broke up with me (his mom was dying), we did become friends later on down the road, but it's never progressed beyond that and nothing was ever the same again. It wreaked havoc in my heart because sometimes I'd get mixed messages from him, it confused me and hurt so that I had to wall up my heart so that he couldn't hurt me any more. It's now been more than 3 1/2 years and at this point I am glad we are "just friends" although there was definitely potential for so much more...he never made full use of that potential though and we have to accept things as they are. Sometimes they can't get past everything, and perhaps we serve as a reminder of when they went through things...perhaps they feel guilty they didn't spend more time with their deceased loved one when they were spending time with us. Who knows, I just know the end result is that they seldom return to how things were before. Good luck to you.

[Priscilla]

Thank you for understanding.

I was thinking the same thing-that I serve as a reminder for what happened with his ex & the battle he had with trying to keep our relationship going whilst also caring for her.

You're right that he knows he can't make up for what he put me through-I reminded him today that he'd always said he would make things up to me when times were tough when he was looking after her but even though I don't want him to do anything (& told him this)in his eyes what can he do.

I purposefully said today that having the space apart made me realise I didn't want our old relationship but that I wanted to wipe the slate clean & start again with no hang-ups from the past but he didn't want to even try.

I wish I could stay friends with him as he's a nice person but I know it will break my heart not to be with him. You have done so well to stay friends & continue to support him but it's a shame that he didn't make the most of the potential that you offered him.

I guess I just need to focus on myself now.

[kayc]

Focusing on yourself is the best way to go. Does he have any faults you can remind yourself of when you're having a hard time missing him? It helps me when I start wondering why...

[Priscilla]

Am sure he has faults that I've glossed over but am going to have to think of them again.

I really wish I could dislike him as it would probably be easier for me but I understand what he's been through & will probably always love & care for him

[Priscilla]

A little update on this as feel have gone backwards over the last couple of weeks with my feelings.

Last Sat 3 weeks since we met up last I started wondering if me & my ex could be friends so sent him a text about a chant from a football game we went to watch the year before & our team had played at the same place that day. As I was in a better place I decided to go into my Facebook page as I had deactivated it when we split & had not felt strong enough to change my profile picture until then as it had been one of us both. I was going through some photos to see what I should replace it with & there was a photo he'd liked so I clicked on his name & his profile said he was in a relationship with some woman! I hit the roof as he had said we couldn't be together as he couldn't be in a relationship at the moment & yet here he was in a relationship on Facebook (he hates Facebook by the way & barely goes on it which was odd in itself). I text him saying it didn't take you long did it-glad I meant so little to you that you could lie about why you didn't want to be with me. I then sent him another saying I would drop the last of his stuff off & transfer half of our joint account over to him as we still hadn't tidied up the loose ends. He text back saying don't believe everything you read on Facebook & asked if he could call me.

We spoke & his explanation was he had seen her a few times but she had changed his relationship status & told him later. He'd forgotten about it as no one had mentioned it at work & he so rarely goes on. He said one of his mates had talked him into signing up to a dating website & he'd met up with 3 or 4 women but it had back fired & he felt really low. We spoke for about 40mins & it was nice. I wasn't sure I believed him about his status but felt I had to for my own sanity. He said he'd be in contact soon & during the week he text me his new telephone number. I replied saying it might help him if he talked to someone to clear his head & I am probably the only person who understands but no reply. In the end I got so upset on Fri I text him saying I would drop his stuff off the next day & he wouldn't have to see me. He replied saying don't be silly I want to see you so on Sat I went over to take the last of things to him. I was there about an hour & we spoke about the women he'd met on the dating site & he said he hadn't liked it & it wasn't what he wanted. I replied saying if you hadn't dumped me you wouldn't have needed to go on there to which he said he hadn't dumped me it was just a difficult situation. When I left we hugged for what seemed like ages as neither of us wanted to let go. I said now that's done you won't need to see me again to which he replied he wanted to do some stuff as friends & then see.

Although I was strong Sat yesterday & today I've just fallen apart. I sent him 2 emails this morning one saying I loved him & if there was any hope I would wait for him etc & the next was saying that the reason I'm struggling is I just don't understand how the day after she died telling his friend that he didn't want to spend any more time apart from me but then completely pushed me away. Even though I know I shouldn't have sent them in a way I am glad I said what I did as I needed to say it. I just feel that without understanding why it happened I can't even begin to move forward.

I just really don't know how I'm going to move on from this as it hurts so much.

[kayc]

It does hurt and it doesn't make any sense, but then it doesn't to him either. He's telling the truth when he said he couldn't do a relationship at the time, that's why we advise not to talk relationship talk, it puts pressure on them and is a surefire was to push them away and it backfires. It's hard to understand why they don't just resume their relationships with us when they're in a better state of mind, but they don't, I think for some reason we remind them of that time. If you can be friends, that's good but try not to hope for more, it's like setting yourself up for pain. Good luck to you!

[Priscilla]

Thank you for your reply.

I had tried so hard to avoid the relationship talk as I knew he didn't need it - but I think seeing him being in a relationship on Facebook made me doubt everything about our relationship. He has said that a relationship is the last thing he wants & I know he is telling me the truth but is still so hard to understand why.

It's been almost 5months since she died & yesterday was the first time I have asked him why he shut me out. I doubt that he will reply & I do know it doesn't make sense to him but in a way I am glad I asked the question.

I feel he has just blocked out our relationship as ever having happened-on Sat he said he missed having his ex to talk to as she was the one person who knew everything & I just felt like he had forgotten the 3years we were together entirely.

I guess I have to start again with my own healing-I know it was too soon to be friends with him so I am going to have to cut him out of my life for a while but hopefully in time we can try friendship again.

[kayc]

In time you may not even want a friendship with him. I know it is so hard to understand, it's still hard for me to grasp even after four years. I guess because there IS no explanation. Grief does odd things to people. The difference between your situation and mine is, Jim and I have not dated anyone since our breakup. To have him break up with you and then go on a dating site and see other people, that is very hard to explain. The only thing I can come up with is that you remind him of that time, otherwise, why would he even consider seeing others instead of you? With Jim, I think he feels guilty for having spent time with me instead of every minute with his mom, of course he didn't know she was going to take a turn for the worse and end up dying. It's natural for grownups to have a life outside of their parents! But when it comes to the heart, I guess common sense doesn't always prevail.

[Priscilla]

I think you are probably right - that he feels guilty for the time he spent with me rather than with her even though in the 9months he was caring for her we barely saw each other & he was pretty much there 24/7. Maybe when he looks at me it reminds him of how he felt being back there - I really don't know & as you say I am never going to understand what happened or why.

He said about the dating site that he used it as a distraction from everything that was going on - I really don't think he wanted a relationship but he wanted someone to talk to who knew nothing about what had happened & in a strange logic he wanted to try to get back some normality. But I think he's realised now he needs to sort his own feelings out before involving anyone else.

I'm still feeling a range of emotions today-broke down when I went shopping today but it had turned to anger when I got home which, although I do know what happened is not his fault, probably is a healthy emotion for me to go through whilst I am trying to heal.

I am hopeful that in time I can be as strong as you are.

[kayc]

You will be strong, it takes time to get through this. And nothing wrong with feeling angry, I felt plenty and rightly so! We were NOT "done right"!