I Lost My Forever

[Season0816]

My story the very short version: Together 7 years 10 months. 13 months 15 days post his fathers death

Met My boyfriend through family and friends. His 1/2 sister and my brother are together. His mother encouraged us to hangout one night, and then several times after. She and his father encouraged our relationship. We finally started dating, 4 months later he left his parents house and moved in with me. 5 years into our relationship we had a daughter together. This would be child #2 for him, as he had one from a previous relationship. 7th year into our relationship his dad dies unexpectedly at the age of 53. No one expected his dad to die so soon. His mother is disable with an illness herself. His mother is able to care for herself but relied on her husband for many things. After his father death we took turns caring for her. Mainly took her grocery shopping or picked her up to visit for the weekend so she wasn't alone. We did this every weekend while working full time, taking care of our daughter full time, and having his other daughter on the weekends. Needless to say it was very exhausting. On top of the death is the fact that his mother and him HATE my family (my parents, sister, brother..oh and my high school best friend). Their reason changed often so I never tried to make waves. I just kept to myself and the little family I created...limiting my time with those they didn't like.

After the death of his father I felt like he was struggling with his grief and it was taking a toll on our relationship. He started being very aggressive verbally towards me about my family that I had distanced. He wanted me to disown them completely and I refused. I suggested counseling and he agreed. We started counseling in April 2013. After a while I felt as though our relationship was improving. He wasn't being aggressive verbally as much. Our conversations at counseling became about other things and not about his hate towards my family and his fathers death. I was really positive about our relationship. In September he was telling everyone how much he loved me and how thankful he was to have me. I was "the most supportive person and it was time I deserved something expensive". Then he started withdrawing again around his fathers one year anniversary (September also). I let him have his space but always made sure he knew I loved him and was here if he wanted to talk. Beginning of October he started becoming even more distant, this time intimately. I was extremely upset by this because we never had an issue like this. I brought the issue up to the counselor at our appointment that week. My boyfriend reassured her and I that everything was ok and he has just been depressed. I was concerned that his mother was being naggy about my family again and maybe that was the issue. He blew up in the appointment, didn't talk to me for several days, and later that week told me we were through. I was/still am devastated. He was my everything...my forever.

What hurt the most, was a few days after he told me we were though... I found text messages, and inappropriate pictures from a 20 year old college girl he met over the internet located 2 hours away. BTW...he is 32. ?? 2 week after the breakup I I had another counseling session and went alone. She was completely shocked about our breakup.

Since the break up:

We have been living apart for 3 months now. I have been struggling everyday..to get out of bed. I have our 3 year old daughter to care for, so I draw what little motivation I can from her. I think about him constantly. I dream about him constantly, I miss him so much it hurts. I lost 30lbs since the breakup. (I needed to shed some weight anyway) and feel sick to my stomach at least 2 - 3 times a week. I have NO self esteem or self worth. I cry constantly...except when my daughter is around...then I cry in private. During the move out process I had issues with his mother verbally attacking me in person or via email. Now he is so cold towards me. He wont even look at me. Has told our circle of friends lies about me that they don't want anything to do with me. I feel so alone a lot of times.

Any thoughts?

[kayc]

Hi, welcome here, although I'm sorry about the reason.

I'm sure the grief had something to do with the breakup, and possibly even his seeing the 20 year old. I knew someone who lost her six year old daughter and she went out and had an affair...not everyone does that, but the counselor said it was common. It sounds like his dislike of your family was an ongoing issue, and possibly played into it as well. I wouldn't recommend cutting off your family for someone else. If a family causes problems between the couple (not just his disliking them), you could limit your time with them, set boundaries and adher to them, see them alone, etc. but no one has the right to deprive you of your family and friends unless they're trying to break you up and come between you. Even then, boundaries will usually take care of the problem.

It does sound like an abusive relationship that you're better off without, at least from what you've described. However, you have a child together, so you will have to see and talk to each other for years to come, so it'd be best if the two of you could lay aside your differences enough to do what is best for your child. Have you physically separated and is he paying child support and visiting with your child? I would advise a legal separation, sometimes they call it a dissolutionment even though you didn't marry, because when you have children or property together, custody, ownership, finances, need decided upon by the courts.

I'm sorry you find yourself left alone after investing so many years into this relationship. Only time will tell whether he'll come around again or regret his decisions...by that time, it may be too late as you may have moved on and built a new life for yourself. I know all of that is hard to imagine right now, but we do what we have to do and are amazingly resilient, even when we don't feel like it.

I hope you will continue to check back and post how you're doing.