Paul S Posted December 9, 2005 Report Share Posted December 9, 2005 My Mom died November 7th, 2005. She was 89. I had been living with her for the past 10 years, and although I described myself as her caregiver, she was not that much an invalid as the caregiver term implied. She could take care of herself, and so on. I was just around to help out and be there so she won't be lonely. Except for the past year, when it had been necessary for someone to be around 24/7. That was me. She increasingly depended on me for the simplest tasks, and I was there, daily.She went to the hospital Oct 19th, and was in ICU for a week for a ruptured bowel. Later she was transferred to a private room where she slowly faded. Although I knew she would never come home, I kept hoping that a miracle would occur, but obviously none did. I perhaps colored my observations to family with this hope, but I and others knew the real deal.Anyway, life has been very hard since. My sister is the executor of the estate, which is OK. However her style of grieving has been markedly different from mine. She needs to keep busy to keep her mind off things. This meant that just a few hours after Mom died, my sister was rummaging thru desk drawers and cabinets sorting and tossing things out. My Mom wasn't even buried yet and there were a dozen or so garbage bags on the backporch and yard awaiting disposal. I understand that everyone grieves in their own way, but that way should not run roughshod over other people's. If she needed to keep busy, she could have shown Mom's memory due respect, and be sensitive to others, and gone home and reorganized her own house. I feel as though something has been stolen from me, which is the time from my Mom's death to the funeral and burial, when I could have mourned and 'switched gears', so to speak.Stresses have taken their strain over the aftermath. My sister and brother-in-law rented a dumpster to accommodate their desire to toss out 59 years of acummulated stuff of my parents. (My Dad died in 1995.) Mostly, 99% of the items are stuff deservedly dumpster material, but the timing and speed as to which things are disposed of, along with a certain lack of consideration as to the sensitivity of this entire matter, has led to problems. I did not assist them much in the sorting and tossing. I just couldn't. This was too soon. I went for long walks and visits with friends just to get away. Everyone tells me I did the right thing, that I have to take care of myself. I also spent much time at the cemetary, perhaps 1-3 visits per day for a few weeks. (Not so much anymore.)My sister and I do not communicate. She and others are due in over this weekend to haul away a lot of my parent's furniture. This will be painful. An even emptier house. Another dumpster is due next week, I think to finish off the place. This place has ceased to be a home when my Mom died, it's just an empty shell now. I look around at the empty walls where pictures and paitings used to be, and there's nothing on them now. I see boxes of my stuff perched everywhere, blocking paths, awaiting transfer to storage. It's a morgue of sorts.I have to move. The estate (my sister) wants to sell the house ASAP over her paranoid fear of creditors' demands (the only creditors are the estate's attorney and the hospital. Nothing else. The proceeds are to be distributed equally amongst myself and three siblings, after just debts. There was insurance to pay most medical costs).I am not employed, as I was conveniently laid off just before a deterioration of my Mom's health needed me to be home full time. So, during the holiday season, I have to figure out how to grieve over Mom's death (I am seeing grief counsellors), mourn her passing, deal with where to live and find a job. All at once.The topic's title is family fracturing. My sis and I aren't talking. She and her eldest daughter aren't speaking. Her two daughters aren't talking. My brothers' do not want to get involved, they are just hoping, I think, that this all blows over with little lasting damage. Pigs will fly first.This is all terribly painful. Everyone tells me I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing, but I still feel bad. In part its because Mom has died, mostly its due to my sister's attitude. I am more focused on her existence than my Mom's death. Healing is hard. When I carve out time to grieve which means going to my grief counsellor's, or reading material on grieving, I feel guilty that I'm not responsive to my sister's agenda. I am 42, nearly 43, and I feel like a child. I am struggling to shift my self-image to that of the adult that I am, with my own needs and agendas and responsibilities, but it's like kayaking upstream.My sister has a strong, self-willed personality that has much darkness to it. When I moved home 10 years ago to look after Mom she expressed fears that I would let Mom wastevaway and die. (Mom was laid up for a few months with an injury. My sis said that I wouldn't be getting Mom her meals or her meds, and that I would just let her die. WELL IT TOOK 10 YEARS!!!!! Sorry, just had to let a bit of morbid humor creep in.)Anyway, this is not about probate and things and who's getting what. Little trouble there. It's just attitudes, selfishness, and security issues.I miss my Mom, and I wish I was on the other side of this whole thing. (i.e. next year, probate over, house sold, I'm working and living somewhere else.) I know I'll endure, it's just that enduring this whole matter is debilitating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!Register a new account
Already have an account? Sign in here.Sign In Now