Can't Seem To Move On

[Guest Jen]

I lost my mother two years ago when I had just turned twenty years old. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was five years old. My father physically abused my mother even after she got sick, and so when I was a teenage my mother separated my father. I was going to university, but things took a turn for the worse and so I moved home to take care of her. I continued to go to school while taking care of her. Everything seemed to get better, I was doing well in school and we finally found a chemo that started to work. I was always so close to my mother, she loved me so much and never let on to how much pain she was in or how sick she was. Everything got bad again very quickly, and one day we rushed her to the hospital and within a few days she passed away. The whole SARS epidemic was raging in Toronto, and tho days before she passed away, we weren't even allowed to see her because she was "still okay" and hospital access was severely limited. By the time we were able to see her, she didn't speak again and then passed away. My sisters were hysterical, and so I just held it all in. I had nightmares for so long about everything that happened and that I saw. I had never lost anyone in my family before, it was such a shock when my mom died.

It's two years later, and I have tried going back to school to get my university degree, but end up withdrawing from the term over and over because I can't deal with stress anymore. I get piercing headaches and give up on everything so easily now. I am so forgetful I can't remember anything I learn, and I was once a good student. My mother made me promise her that I would finish my education, but I can't seem to get my life together enough to do that for her. My sisters are doing okay and have been able to cope with everything and I think they wonder sometimes why 2 years later why I am an emotional wreck. I have completely shut down and am unable to function some days. I never thought that anything could ever happen to my mother because she was so strong and brave. I look back and see how I didn't realize how sick she was and how I didn't take good care of her. She always took such good care of me, but when she needed someone, I wasn't even able to help her. I don't know what to do. I am worried that I am never going to be able to get over this. If anyone could please help, I would appreciate it very much ...

[Maylissa]

Dear Jen,

I feel so badly for you...truly, and can also relate to alot of your story. We have a few similarities, despite our age difference. I'm already 48 yet now, 2 years after my own Mom passed away, I often feel more like I'm in my 20's again, missing my Mom from the time when I still lived in the same city ( I'm in Canada, too, BTW )and would go to work with her everyday ( worked at the family business for 14 yrs. ). When she first passed, I felt about 5 yrs. old, no older. So to say when a daughter loses her mother, it really throws us for a loop, is a huge understatement!

My Mom, too, was still getting physically abused by my father, though she was bent over at the waist with osteoarthritis, a fractured spine, artificial hip that needed replacing, pins in one knee and numerous internal diseases, and was in her 80's. She never had left my father, though this was their history all throughout their 'marriage'. I applaud your mother for having the courage to leave your father. Be proud of her for that. I think our whole family would have been much better off had we not had our father around...but it was a different generation then and not as easily done. My father also threatened to kill her if she ever left and I believe he would have tried.

I barely got any time to see my Mom when she was in a rehab. centre, and eventually waiting to be placed in a home. She'd never recovered enough to go back home ( she didn't understand this by then). My husband and I were unemployed for about a year before she fell ill and I couldn't fly back home more than twice in 6 months. My Mom eventually passed away all alone, with none of our other family members there with her, either. I last saw her 2 months prior, on her birthday and could only stay for 2 measly days. I spoke to her a few days before she unexpectedly passed - we also thought she'd been doing okay at that time, but a massive stroke took her, despite her having improved recently.

When one is a caregiver, I think it becomes that much harder to accept their passing and so your sisters likely wouldn't understand that perspective - you can't really, unless you've been in that position. When we become more like the parent and our parent is more like our child, requiring such care, it's like losing not only one's parent, but our child as well. The extra pressure and grief that ensues is more difficult to cope with; more complicated. While I wasn't present to give physical care, I was the (only) one doing research and liasing with the medical staff on a regular basis about my Mom's care, so I 'get' these feelings. I was the only family member that they could sanely deal with, as the rest of my family was causing headaches for them, and for my Mom, in many respects. It's a really long story.

As for you, you DID help your mom, even if you now feel your help wasn't as good as you would have wanted. We all seem to have those kinds of regrets and feelings of guilt afterwards. But we're none of us perfect, nor could we see into the future with any great accuracy, so must give up, work through these feelings of being less than we'd hoped. I've even heard of the same reactions from those who did darn near everything for their mothers, which tells you that there may be deeper issues &/or it's just a common reaction to our loss. For me, I know I made some choices that could have been different, but I had my reasons at the time, that seemed valid at the time. The fact that, had I known what was to come and how, I would have made different choices has to be enough for me to live with myself. My intentions were good, despite not being perfect. Had I known what was to come, my intentions would have been just as good but would have resulted in different scenarios. The important thing is knowing where your heart is and was and to not beat yourself up over different scenarios. Even if you did something terrible, from any way you look at it, all you could do now was learn what you need to learn from it and not do it again with anyone else. We often learn the most from such situations because they're more emotionally-charged than others...and as humans, we're often pretty stubborn cases!

So the after-effects you're dealing with don't strike me as uncommon. I also had a really good memory before this, yet it's quite shot now, even 2 years later. While you promised your mom you'd finish school, there probably was no stipulation as to when you'd finish, so you could consider giving yourself a little break to recover a bit more before you go back to pursuing your education. A poor memory plays havoc with studying properly and I'm sure you don't want bad grades to add even more stress to your life. It's probably a fine line between pushing yourself to make a new life and taking care of your mental health, so I'm thinking some counseling with a grief counselor would likely be of benefit to you...even if you still have to take a break from education for awhile. At least if you have a more structured plan in place for your recovery, it gives you something more to shoot for, while still respecting your needs as a whole. A good couselor could help you with this...help you reinvest in yourself even through the pain.

I, too, wonder how long it's going to take to recover enough to get my life more back on this newer track, so you're not alone in that fear. I do know that in some ways this 2nd year is worse and in other ways it's better - so I think it's sort of a wash. To say I'm disappointed that this year is still extremely difficult ( now that the shocks have worn off ) is another understatement, but all I can do is plod along and work on things as I'm able, hoping for a better future....though God knows when! We never truly 'get over' major losses, but we do learn to cope with them and return to the living, so to speak. Letting loose with your feelings as things go on, on these boards, can do so much good for that progression. I hope we'll see you hear some more, as we're not meant to do our grief-work alone.

[STARKISS]

HI I TOO CAN NOT SEEM TO MOVE ON IT SEEMS EVERYDAY IS VERY PAINFUL AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. MY MOM DIED APRIL 18 2005 AND MY DAD DIED AUGUST 25 2005 AND I LEFT A HOUSE I LIVED IN FOR TWENTY SIX YEARS AND I LEFT MY DOG WITH A BROTHER AND I HAD HER SINCE SHE WAS FIVE WEEKS OLD AND NOW SHE IS SIX YEARS OLD HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT ALL I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

It's hard for me to deal with it too. I lost my mom last month suddenly. She was only 56. I lost my father 5 years ago. I feel so sad. This morning I couldn't even get out of bed. I finally forced myself and went to work. A co-worker took me out to lunch and I tried my best to put on a straight face. But all I could think about was dying. I'm just so hurt and shocked. It took me 3 years to be able to say my father's name without tearing up. It scares me about my mother since we were so close. I helped her out after my father passed. She was my best friend. How long will it take me? Years....years until I'm gone. This is too painful. I can't think to live another day without her. She needs me and I need her. How could she just leave?!

[chris s]

It's hard for me to deal with it too. I lost my mom last month suddenly. She was only 56. I lost my father 5 years ago. I feel so sad. This morning I couldn't even get out of bed. I finally forced myself and went to work. A co-worker took me out to lunch and I tried my best to put on a straight face. But all I could think about was dying. I'm just so hurt and shocked. It took me 3 years to be able to say my father's name without tearing up. It scares me about my mother since we were so close. I helped her out after my father passed. She was my best friend. How long will it take me? Years....years until I'm gone. This is too painful. I can't think to live another day without her. She needs me and I need her. How could she just leave?!

[Guest Dayna]

I am sorry to here of your loss. I don't think any amount of time will make the pain easier. I know how you feel. I lost my father almost two months ago and it seems that no one understands that its not that easy to just move on. Everyday I feel like I am losing it a little more. It's nice to know that someone is just about as young as I am. Don't get me wrong I have read a lot of other posts and a lot of people were older and lost parents and felt guilt grieving about it. I know they feel sad and lost and I know their greif is real, but I feel like their parents got to see the important moments in their lives. I am twenty three years old. I have only been married a little over a year. My dad is never going to see my children. He is never going to see me get my master's degree (which I started working on this past summer). I am a teacher and he never saw me teach. We never even "did lunch" just the two of us. There are so many things that he is not going to be here to see me do. My father was only 52 years old. It's not fair. Everyone that I've talked to says they have lost their parents, but their parents were older. I am not taking anything away from these people and I understand that they have a lot of memories that make them sad. But what about the memories that I will never get to have with my father. That's what makes me sad. He was my number one fan. I feel like there is no one to be proud of me anymore. People say it gets easier, but I want to know when. Quite frankly, it sucks and that it the only way I can say it (without using any "bad" words.).

I sure this doesn't help you feel any better. But my best advice is to don't be afraid to have feelings. Cry when you feel like crying and be mad when you feel like being mad and don't let anyone tell you that your feelings are wrong or unjustified.

[Seanboy]

I don't think what you did wasn't a normal reaction Jen. You put up a barrier because you couldn't bear to see the pain and thats normal. I think its also normal to feel guilt about the loss of a parent.

The loss of a parent is like losing a piece of you, its an aweful experience that most will share in thier life time.

I always say I'd give a million bucks for one more minute with my mom :-)) Just one more thats all I'd need. I think I'd just hug her and not say anything :-))

I hope you feel better since you last posted.

God bless all

Sean.............................

[Seanboy]

It's hard for me to deal with it too. I lost my mom last month suddenly. She was only 56. I lost my father 5 years ago. I feel so sad. This morning I couldn't even get out of bed. I finally forced myself and went to work. A co-worker took me out to lunch and I tried my best to put on a straight face. But all I could think about was dying. I'm just so hurt and shocked. It took me 3 years to be able to say my father's name without tearing up. It scares me about my mother since we were so close. I helped her out after my father passed. She was my best friend. How long will it take me? Years....years until I'm gone. This is too painful. I can't think to live another day without her. She needs me and I need her. How could she just leave?!

Jen honey you broke my heart when I read this. You seem like such a sweet kid but I want you to listen to me for one second ok.

What you feel inside is something that is normal and its ok to feel that way. I can't deny that you loved your parents and I'm more than sure by how upset you are that they loved you just as much. But your mom and dad would NEVER in a million years want you to come greet them prematurely. If you really think you can't come to terms with that you need to go get someone to help you right now ok? I think my e-mail is somewhere here, you get in touch with me if you need to talk and I'll give you my number ok. Please don't do anything irrational.

God bless all

Sean.......................................