Help me! I can't stop blaming myself!

[Teisha888]

I searched out this forum because I desperately need someone to help me get through what has happened.  I pray someone takes the time to read this post in its entirety and be kind enough to respond.  What I am going through is an absolute personal hell.  
I have (or had) 3 cats.  My oldest was 16 years old!!  I have had Mister Big Boy through all aspects of my life.  He has been my companion through so many years.  Including the birth of my child, divorce and the death of my mother.  He meant EVERYTHING to me!!
As older cats do, Mister was showing lots of signs of being an elderly cat.  He had drastic weight loss, major constipation, occasional vomiting, protruding spine, joint pain, and weakening of the back legs.  However for the most part he wasn't in any pain and continued to live a happy life.  Up until the past couple months when he stopped grooming himself and his fur matted severely.  I attempted to comb it repeatedly and couldn't brush it out myself.  It made him uncomfortable so I took him to the vet.  After an overall check-up, he only weighed 9 pounds and was constipated.  The vet informed me that the mats were so severe that he would need to be shaved.  So they sedated him and shaved him from his mid-back down to his tail.  I picked him up and took him home.  For the most part he seemed okay and seemed more comfortable now that the mats had been removed.  It did take several days for the sedation to wear off and for him to walk normal again, but he finally did.  
What happened next was so strange.  Mister became very very clingy and clung to me at all times.  He used to be very independent and now he would hardly leave my lap.  Due to the constipation I kept him on a canned food diet because the vet said he couldn't tolerate the dry.  He seemed to be doing okay, just extremely needy.
All 3 of my cats are inside/outside cats.  They come and go as they please and this past Sunday was no different.  I left the house and it was a cold day but sunny.  All 3 cats went outside and were enjoying the sunshine.  I decided the sun and fresh air would do Mister some good so I left, not planning on being gone past dark.  Oklahoma winters can be very cold and unfortunately, I did not make it home before dark.  In fact, I didn't get home till 10:00 pm and the temp outside dropped to around 32 degrees at nightfall.  This meant the cats were outside about 10 hours with the final 5 hour being around 32 degrees.
When I got home I raced outside to get them.  The younger two came right in and seemed unaffected.  Mister wasn't moving.  He was laying on his side in the grass.  I ran to him and picked him up.  I could tell something was terribly wrong.  He wasn't stiff or frozen but he felt cold to the touch.  He was lethargic and I held him close to me.  He meowed once and I saw the life leave his eyes and he died about 3 minutes after I brought him in.  My first thought was that he froze to death!!  I killed my Mister Big Boy!!!  I left him out too long and he got too cold!!  OMG How could I do this?!?!  What was I thinking?!  I had been babying him and cuddling him and making sure he was dong well.  I just thought the sun would do him some good.  I didn't mean to be gone so long.  All 3 cats were accustomed to being outside at night and coming in before bed.  Why did this happen?  Was it too cold?  Too long?  Was it due to the shave?  I will never forgive myself and I just need someon!
e to talk to.  
I cant sleep or eat or work.  I cry all night long.  I cant move past this.  I killed my best friend!!  Please help


 

[kayc]

Teisha,

I am so sorry you lost Mister Big Boy (I love that name, BTW).  I had a cat, King George, lived to 19, and I didn't realize just how bad he was getting at the end, until it was too late...he had cancer and all I could do was put him down so he'd be out of his suffering.  I wish I'd done it a month sooner, though, so he wouldn't have had that month of incredible suffering, but he'd been mis-diagnosed and I'd thought he'd get well.

When we are looking back with hindsight, it is so easy to be hard on ourselves and think, I should have done this, or I should have done that, but at the time, we didn't have that hindsight to know.  You gave Mister Big Boy a great life for which I'm sure he's grateful.  You were everything to him as he was to you.

I hope you will find comfort here: