Almost a year has passed since I lost Jack.

[JHCP]

Today as I was driving home from work I had a memory pop in my head. One I had completely forgotten about. When Jack and I first started dating we would hang out every single day all day and night. One day as I was leaving he says to me, "I have never been happier with us than I am right now." I was equally as happy. Then the strangest thing happens the next day he blows me off and we get into a fight for no reason. A few days later we start hanging out all the time again. This happens again a few weeks later.  Same thing...'I couldn't be happier with you than I am right now' then boom we argue the next time I see him and don't see one another for days. The third time he does this I say to him," I can already predict a fight the next time I see you. Why do you do this?" His answer actually made sense. He said when he would get to a point where he felt is going somewhere he wanted to stop me from getting too attached. He was older than me, he had severe health problems and he didn't want me to waste my life on him if he were going to just die. This made me mad. I told him it even though his intentions were good, it wasn't his place to make that choice for me. That he made me so happy and that everyone dies eventually. I could step off a curb and be hit by a bus tomorrow I said. I told him it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. What we had was so special it was worth me having to face his death eventually. I told him I would be fine. I even used the fact that my dad has been ill most of my life and so I have faced my own mortality and dealt with feelings of losing a loved one for so long it would be fine. HA! I loved the man so much I would have said anything to convince him his death wouldn't effect me negatively. Truthfully I just remembered this convo today for some reason. I feel like he was encouraging me to heal by reminding me I knew it would be how things turned out. And reminding me of all my reasons I used to convince him that I would be okay so that maybe I will heal a little faster. 

Looking back, I don't regret a thing about choosing to love and be loved by an individual who I knew would not live for long. We had 8 amazing years full of memories and laughter. It was a gift! And I am grateful for it all!  Thank you Jack! 

Cassandra