JHCP

Luckily each session costs $5. However I only get 10 sessions from my coverage. So I want them to be well spent! I have so many traumas. I let my mother be privy to one recently and she insisted I do at least 3 sessions. One down, and I feel like I didn’t make any progress. She wasn’t helpful at all. She heard it all and just talked with me. Didn’t give advice even. When I asked ok where do we start she asked me where I thought I should start?? Super huge waste of time with her. Therapy isn’t a waste if it is helpful

I’ve had a rough go of it. Lots of ‘ACE’ (adverse childhood experiences) issues apparently. My outlook has always been to move forward and not dwell on things and be stunted or stuck. I feel stuck though, and I know my s*** has had an effect of me. The therapist after my first session heard about all of my issues and my trauma and asked me where I wanted to begin. My pain mostly comes from Jacks death. It happened in my arms. I can rationalize and dismiss a lot...prob not so healthy...but I can’t help but cry over Jack even though it’s more than 3 years now since he has passed. She wanted me to tell her where my issues come from, I can’t even tell you my exact issues...let alone why I have them. I think she may be a poor choice for a therapist. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Just a bit frustrated

Kayc yeah I feel she was happy to go. Even though she wasn't religious she was seeing my papa and saying she was ready to go be with him at the end and months before. She passed on Friday morning at home. They allowed her to go home which is great because she hated the hospital. She is at peace now.

My mother was kind of crap when I was younger. She didn't want to be a mom. Her and my father divorced before I was even 1. They both had their share of problems. My mothers parents took us in initially. I was the first grandchild in the family. It was that way for over a decade. My mom and I were not super close. She would say things like "don't ever have kids, it's the worst thing you could do!' Her mother was my rock. Her parents totally helped us out when I was a child and until I grew to an adult. All of my school clothes, my bedroom decorations which were always fashionable and cool were from her. She drove hours every month to take me to and from my appointment for my braces. She has been such a role model, poised, witty, strong, full of love. Her life has come to an end. Right now she is in Southern California ( I am here in nor cal) my mom and aunt are with her. Her kidneys are failing. She has been getting worse with her dementia for the last few years now. My aunt has taken her on full time. It has been a lot to handle. My nanny is ready to go, she told me almost 6-7 months ago she was. Now that it is time I am feeling super sad I can't take the time to be there. I am sad I can't hold her hand even though she won't even know I am there because of the morphine. They give her anywhere from a day to a week to live. She wakes up sometimes and is confused and upset. This is just a hard time for me. I feel like the figurehead of my family is going to pass. This woman I have idolized will soon be gone and even if I were there with her I could do nothing. It is life, it ends and that is natural. She is 83. I just love and admire her so much. My family is not religious AT ALL. My papa, her hubby, had no memorial or service. This hurt their community a lot. They are pillars of the community and many ppl needed to pay their respects. I worry that my family won't allow a service of any sort for my nanny either. Lots of pain in my heart right now. Just had to let it out somewhere.

We were together 8 years. It's what makes his absence so difficult! It was almost a third of my life

I too have noticed I started drinking more. It's been just over 2 years. I feel I should reign it in a bit now. Life is good (as good as it could be without Jack). I would like to stop drinking in the day and also alone. Maybe one alone is fine. I just drink alone a lot these days. Don't feel judged I am sure there are plenty of us that are struggling the same way.

It seems no matter how much chemistry we have initially or for weeks or months together, it fizzles out. I wonder why? I always have had no problem finding love. All that has changed has been the loss of jack. I wonder if I am acting to clingy or whatever. Normally the texting is mutual. Either I start it or the other person does pretty equally. When it is clicking I feel like we text daily to one another. We want to see one another often, then somehow things fizzle out. I am getting discouraged. This is verrrry difficult for me. It has been over two years now and I am just trying to finally have the life with someone I crave and deserve. Again I am feeling pulling back from the recent guy I am interested in. It is really tough. Every single time I am disappointed in something not working out I am reminded what I lost. How good and perfect life was. It makes me really sad.

I loved the songs jack would make up for me! My god he was such a goofy big lovestruck man. I miss that too Gwen!

Hard to think about how oblivious I was to what was about to happen to me. Crazy how in an instant everything changed. I am so lost today. Missing my best friend so much! I love you Jack!

I want the love I had back too. I go on date after date after date. Usually they don't get a second date. On the rare occasion someone does, I will try to be interested in them, however usually they end up liking me way more than I like them. Probably because they are not even close to my Jack. I m ow all loves are different and you can't comapre. I try practicing that, but I know how perfect we were and I long for it. I'll end things with someone the second I don't feel 'it' with them. Whatever 'it' is. The few that have interested me enough or excited me have not gone well. One I dated for a few mo this. Always very passionate and fun exciting dates, even if we just stayed in. Then he broke it off. (A first for me btw). The other is new, and I am afraid to get too close so I am being guarded. I don't know how to act anymore with someone I like. I worry nobody will fulfill me like my jack did. Feeling frustrated! Oh and today is the two year mark of his passing. The last words he spoke to me were "babe I forgot a water would you mind getting me one?" As I went upstairs to fill his water on our way to our date I heard him collapse at the bottom of the stairs. He was unresponsive and that was it. Breathing slowed as I tried to do compressions while waiting for the paramedics to arrive. He was gone. His last words to me around 1:20pm play over in my head today. Two years ago at this very moment my life was full and happy and complete. We were joking about our date plans because it was a surprise date I was giving him. Meaning I pick an activity and just tell him to get ready. I give no details and I take him on a surprise date. This was just to our fav movie theater with reclining seats and food/beverage service for a matinee. (Figured he couldn't guess the activity if it was a matinee) we never made it out of the house that day though. ? Two years ago right at this moment I had no idea what was about to happen. I was so happy and filled with his love

Mitch, I broke down yesterday because I was thinking of how far I've come. How much I have personally accomplished and how very proud he would be of me. Then I felt that weird guilty or ashamed feeling of doing it without him. So ridiculous I know, but my head and heart have different ideas on the situation. I also have had some weird dreams lately about him that made me feel like he is here with me. I love!/hate seeing him in my dreams. He is him, I get a dose of his personality and vibrant silly loving self. Also he is gone when I wake up so it makes him feel so far from me as I start my day. It is heart wrenching and soul soothing at the same time. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy every moment I get to spend with him in my dreams! I just miss him and wish they were real. I still can't believe tomorrow will be 2 years!!! I still have my portion of his ashes. I am so connected to them I don't know how or where or when I should spread them. OR IF I SHOULD AT ALL? I don't think I can! I have a cool necklace ashes pendant I wear every day just about so I can bring him with me everywhere. It's an angel wing on a beautiful chain. Does anyone else have the problem of what to do with their loved ones ashes?

I'm 2 years to the day as of tomorrow. I feel your pain. It hurts me that my life has moved so far from ours. That there has been so much change and that I just carry on. I feel mixed emotions about doing so well in my new life. And I NEVER stop missing my Jack! I wish he were here now so bad I dream about it all the time! Just silly daily tasks or conversations we have in my dreams lately. Kind of a gift to be able to spend time with him. Even if it is only in dream. I know it sounds kind of crazy by I don't care. I am lucky to still have him in my life in some form. I miss my best friend, as I know you miss your Tammy! I just hope these anniversaries become less painful for both of us! I've been crying tons for the last few days myself off and on. Best St of luck to you during this time Mitch.

Jack passed away two years ago as of tomorrow. It was a traumatic day for me as it happened on the way out to a movie, very unexpectedly, and right in my arms. He was my everything! Over the course of the 8 yrs we dated he wrangled my independence from me as he was so old fashioned and insisted on taking care of me. I was, after so many years, completely dependent on him. We were only engaged, and secretly, as his youngest son had not quite accepted us as a couple. The day he passed plays out in my mind. It haunts me. Why didn't we live closer to a hospital? Why did it take so long for the EMT's to get to us? Why was I so panicked that I forgot our street address at first? Did I do the chest compressions hard enough? If I stayed calmer would I have been able to be more rational and maybe help him more? ALL POINTLESS CONCERNS! It all happened and can't be changed and I know I did the best that I possibly could have done. I just miss him so much and wonder if anything would have possibly been able to keep him alive. The funniest goofiest guy in person, but the most engaging cool fun and larger than lifer personality to everyone on the surface! He was huge in stature as well. So the loss of my best friend and other half still has me at a total loss. I have the hole of a giant man in my heart. One I know can not possibly ever be filled. It may eventually be patched, but there was only one man for me. He accepted everything about me, loved me despite my imperfections, worshiped the ground I walked on and made me laugh on a daily basis. Today i broke down after work thinking how proud he would be of all that I have accomplished over these last two years, which made me feel guilt or sadness because I did it without him. I have moved so far in my life from our happiness, and it made me feel sad and ashamed kind of. We were perfect and here I am so different and so changed that I hardly recognize my own life. All positive stuff, but growth made without the man I nested and planned on spending my forever with. It SUCKS feeling this way! I miss my love nugget and his extreme burritos every day! (extreme burrito is being tackled by a giant and held against your will so you can't move your limbs when you are having a bad day. Can't help but smile eventually haha) he was such a loving goof ball who literally worshiped me, and I him. I lived for tricking or scaring or pranking him. We both brought foolishness and happiness to each other daily! I will never fill that void his departure has created! He was my ONE?

FB has those memories that pop up. 'This time last year' etc. it drives me nuts sometimes seeing how happy we were over the years

Not doing great. It's never the same without my Jack! It's Ok to not always be positive!! Give yourself a break. You have gone through something awful. For attempting to be positive I think you are strong. I am just as strong. I still have a hard time today though.

My Jack, or as I called him nugget, was the best other half. He gave me the best Valentine's Day I could have ever imagined. He passed just over a month later. He was so over the top with everything he did for me and with me! His personality was over the top. Every day was a surprise and a gift! Losing him on march 16, 2015 was the worst day of my life. Dating again is always difficult. I've been a long term relationship kind of girl my entire life. Since Jack'a passing I have broken up quickly with partners whom I don't see a future with. I may very well be just cutting out ppl who don't make me feel like he did. I hope not! I want to be loved like this again! I miss my goofy, tall, over the top personality, amazing other half!

Wolfskat that is a lovely tradition. Glad you will be with family next year! This is my second Christmas without jack. Still tough

We both had our own family traditions, but we made our own together. They were silly and they were ridiculous, but they were ours. For example we would each have a item to wear in our stalking. Before opening anything we had to open that and then wear it. A weird Christmas-y hat or scarf or necklace etc. it had to be worn the whole Xmas. This year with my extended family I am the only one wearing my item. Makes me miss jack. Also I am realizing what I am going through is not holiday conversation. Nobody wants to deal with loss on such a happy day. That's why I am here writing about my feelings. Cant take it out on the happy people around me for being so happy. Just having a bad day with my grief and now I feel like a monster for feeling that

Crazy right? A lot of my friends called me strong after the passing of my Jack. I hear it so often actually I've started to believe it! It was jarring the first time or two though. I felt like the weakest most vulnerable person yet ppl saw ME as strong? It just means you don't see it in yourself but exude that trait. Others notice. Own it and be strong! It has helped me so much realizing that I was stronger than I perceived myself to be. Good for you!

Butch, sorry for your current situation! Sending Mary'a sister tons of prayers.

Chinup54 I played violin and then later viola

ChinUp54, thank you for sharing that video! Love the song, and I don't really care for country music so that's saying a lot! ? I am with you about turning to music for comfort. Music has always been such a HUGE part of my life. I played in an orchestra for 12 years growing up. I love a vast array of music, so did Jack. There wasn't a single day in which we didn't have Pandora playing in our home. While I cooked, while we showered, in our car. We always had music playing. So there are hundreds of memories that are evoked by the sound of familiar songs. Most of them at this point I listen to and smile. This pearl jam song I had not heard since he passed until the other morning. It totally hit me in a different way than it did before. Harder. When he was just sick with his lupus and such and having health complications I knew he wasn't going to live forever. So when I first heard it I cried. But hearing those last lines "hold me till I die...meet you on the other side" since his passing, it hit me like a bag of bricks and I cried for a good hour. I do not avoid the pain. I feel like many ppl who are grieving try to avoid situations and experieces that bring the pain or emotion to the surface. I am not saying anyone grieves incorrectly because there is no wrong or right way. But for me, I face things that remind me of Jack head on. I am only 32 and I can't live the rest of my life tip toeing around tricky emotional situations. What kind of life would that be for me? I refuse to limit my experience of life because this truly horrible thing happened. JACK WOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME FOR THAT. It doesn't mean I am any less sad. It doesn't mean I miss him any less or he meant less to me. He was my world!!! He once helped me through a smaller trauma that happened in my life. I was raped, I completely shut down. Didn't leave my bed for a week, not even for a shower. He said to me, 'so something happened, but the worst thing you could do is let this thing take away from the person you are. To even let it change the woman you are or who you are to become is the true tragedy.' He was my rock! Those words just still resonate with me.

I hope I don't find myself in this position. How hard it was losing my Jack! I can't imagine experiencing it twice! I am so sorry for your loss Kim! My heart and prayers go out to you! Keep posting here. As you already know it helps with the healing process to just get it all out and to share with the amazing and supportive people on this site! We are all here for you. ?

So I couldn't sleep this morning due to stressful bad dreams so I woke up around 6am. Put the TV on and tried to go back to sleep. This some came on in the show I was watching that took me to a really sad place. Pearl Jam came on in the background. They are, or were, one of Jack's favorite bands (we had a pic of when he met Eddie Vedder at the foundation room in Vegas on our wall. Eddie was so short compared to Jack he actually picked him up like you would a small child for the pic). The song is 'just breathe' and my memory was years and years ago when our relationship was still new we had a split. When this song came out and I first heard it I immediately called him. Because of his illness I had already early on taken on this caretaker role. Hearing the song when we were separated made me break down and cry. I called him and shared it with him then. It brought us back together in a way. Hearing it today just reminded me of why I cried that first time. Because I knew we were more and we weren't supposed to be apart. It reminded me how much we loved each other. And today I totally lost my s*** crying just thinking about my loss. Haven't done that in a while. I'm still crying actually. Here is a link to the song. Enjoy. The last lines "hold me till I die. Meet you on the other side." I was holding him when he passed, so now I sit and wait to see him again. I am a health nut and only 32 so I will be waiting a very long time ?

My kitty witnessed the passing of my beloved Jack. For months after he passed she would on several occasions a day sit in the spot he passed and yowl. She never say in that spot before. I felt like she was either mourning his loss or she was sitting with him and wanted me to join her. So I would cuddle and she would stop crying the second I came down. We would sit there for a while and I got to talk to Jack. It made me feel better at the very least, wether or not he was actually there. Maybe this is comforting to you even though he may or may not be there communicating with your grandchild.