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JHCP

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About JHCP

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    sunset beach, ca

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    3-16-15
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Recent Profile Visitors

920 profile views
  1. Luckily each session costs $5. However I only get 10 sessions from my coverage. So I want them to be well spent! I have so many traumas. I let my mother be privy to one recently and she insisted I do at least 3 sessions. One down, and I feel like I didn’t make any progress. She wasn’t helpful at all. She heard it all and just talked with me. Didn’t give advice even. When I asked ok where do we start she asked me where I thought I should start?? Super huge waste of time with her. Therapy isn’t a waste if it is helpful
  2. I’ve had a rough go of it. Lots of ‘ACE’ (adverse childhood experiences) issues apparently. My outlook has always been to move forward and not dwell on things and be stunted or stuck. I feel stuck though, and I know my s*** has had an effect of me. The therapist after my first session heard about all of my issues and my trauma and asked me where I wanted to begin. My pain mostly comes from Jacks death. It happened in my arms. I can rationalize and dismiss a lot...prob not so healthy...but I can’t help but cry over Jack even though it’s more than 3 years now since he has passed. She wanted me to tell her where my issues come from, I can’t even tell you my exact issues...let alone why I have them. I think she may be a poor choice for a therapist. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Just a bit frustrated
  3. Kayc yeah I feel she was happy to go. Even though she wasn't religious she was seeing my papa and saying she was ready to go be with him at the end and months before. She passed on Friday morning at home. They allowed her to go home which is great because she hated the hospital. She is at peace now.
  4. My mother was kind of crap when I was younger. She didn't want to be a mom. Her and my father divorced before I was even 1. They both had their share of problems. My mothers parents took us in initially. I was the first grandchild in the family. It was that way for over a decade. My mom and I were not super close. She would say things like "don't ever have kids, it's the worst thing you could do!' Her mother was my rock. Her parents totally helped us out when I was a child and until I grew to an adult. All of my school clothes, my bedroom decorations which were always fashionable and cool were from her. She drove hours every month to take me to and from my appointment for my braces. She has been such a role model, poised, witty, strong, full of love. Her life has come to an end. Right now she is in Southern California ( I am here in nor cal) my mom and aunt are with her. Her kidneys are failing. She has been getting worse with her dementia for the last few years now. My aunt has taken her on full time. It has been a lot to handle. My nanny is ready to go, she told me almost 6-7 months ago she was. Now that it is time I am feeling super sad I can't take the time to be there. I am sad I can't hold her hand even though she won't even know I am there because of the morphine. They give her anywhere from a day to a week to live. She wakes up sometimes and is confused and upset. This is just a hard time for me. I feel like the figurehead of my family is going to pass. This woman I have idolized will soon be gone and even if I were there with her I could do nothing. It is life, it ends and that is natural. She is 83. I just love and admire her so much. My family is not religious AT ALL. My papa, her hubby, had no memorial or service. This hurt their community a lot. They are pillars of the community and many ppl needed to pay their respects. I worry that my family won't allow a service of any sort for my nanny either. Lots of pain in my heart right now. Just had to let it out somewhere.
  5. We were together 8 years. It's what makes his absence so difficult! It was almost a third of my life
  6. I too have noticed I started drinking more. It's been just over 2 years. I feel I should reign it in a bit now. Life is good (as good as it could be without Jack). I would like to stop drinking in the day and also alone. Maybe one alone is fine. I just drink alone a lot these days. Don't feel judged I am sure there are plenty of us that are struggling the same way.
  7. It seems no matter how much chemistry we have initially or for weeks or months together, it fizzles out. I wonder why? I always have had no problem finding love. All that has changed has been the loss of jack. I wonder if I am acting to clingy or whatever. Normally the texting is mutual. Either I start it or the other person does pretty equally. When it is clicking I feel like we text daily to one another. We want to see one another often, then somehow things fizzle out. I am getting discouraged. This is verrrry difficult for me. It has been over two years now and I am just trying to finally have the life with someone I crave and deserve. Again I am feeling pulling back from the recent guy I am interested in. It is really tough. Every single time I am disappointed in something not working out I am reminded what I lost. How good and perfect life was. It makes me really sad.
  8. I loved the songs jack would make up for me! My god he was such a goofy big lovestruck man. I miss that too Gwen!
  9. Hard to think about how oblivious I was to what was about to happen to me. Crazy how in an instant everything changed. I am so lost today. Missing my best friend so much! I love you Jack!
  10. I want the love I had back too. I go on date after date after date. Usually they don't get a second date. On the rare occasion someone does, I will try to be interested in them, however usually they end up liking me way more than I like them. Probably because they are not even close to my Jack. I m ow all loves are different and you can't comapre. I try practicing that, but I know how perfect we were and I long for it. I'll end things with someone the second I don't feel 'it' with them. Whatever 'it' is. The few that have interested me enough or excited me have not gone well. One I dated for a few mo this. Always very passionate and fun exciting dates, even if we just stayed in. Then he broke it off. (A first for me btw). The other is new, and I am afraid to get too close so I am being guarded. I don't know how to act anymore with someone I like. I worry nobody will fulfill me like my jack did. Feeling frustrated! Oh and today is the two year mark of his passing. The last words he spoke to me were "babe I forgot a water would you mind getting me one?" As I went upstairs to fill his water on our way to our date I heard him collapse at the bottom of the stairs. He was unresponsive and that was it. Breathing slowed as I tried to do compressions while waiting for the paramedics to arrive. He was gone. His last words to me around 1:20pm play over in my head today. Two years ago at this very moment my life was full and happy and complete. We were joking about our date plans because it was a surprise date I was giving him. Meaning I pick an activity and just tell him to get ready. I give no details and I take him on a surprise date. This was just to our fav movie theater with reclining seats and food/beverage service for a matinee. (Figured he couldn't guess the activity if it was a matinee) we never made it out of the house that day though. ? Two years ago right at this moment I had no idea what was about to happen. I was so happy and filled with his love
  11. Mitch, I broke down yesterday because I was thinking of how far I've come. How much I have personally accomplished and how very proud he would be of me. Then I felt that weird guilty or ashamed feeling of doing it without him. So ridiculous I know, but my head and heart have different ideas on the situation. I also have had some weird dreams lately about him that made me feel like he is here with me. I love!/hate seeing him in my dreams. He is him, I get a dose of his personality and vibrant silly loving self. Also he is gone when I wake up so it makes him feel so far from me as I start my day. It is heart wrenching and soul soothing at the same time. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy every moment I get to spend with him in my dreams! I just miss him and wish they were real. I still can't believe tomorrow will be 2 years!!! I still have my portion of his ashes. I am so connected to them I don't know how or where or when I should spread them. OR IF I SHOULD AT ALL? I don't think I can! I have a cool necklace ashes pendant I wear every day just about so I can bring him with me everywhere. It's an angel wing on a beautiful chain. Does anyone else have the problem of what to do with their loved ones ashes?
  12. I'm 2 years to the day as of tomorrow. I feel your pain. It hurts me that my life has moved so far from ours. That there has been so much change and that I just carry on. I feel mixed emotions about doing so well in my new life. And I NEVER stop missing my Jack! I wish he were here now so bad I dream about it all the time! Just silly daily tasks or conversations we have in my dreams lately. Kind of a gift to be able to spend time with him. Even if it is only in dream. I know it sounds kind of crazy by I don't care. I am lucky to still have him in my life in some form. I miss my best friend, as I know you miss your Tammy! I just hope these anniversaries become less painful for both of us! I've been crying tons for the last few days myself off and on. Best St of luck to you during this time Mitch.
  13. Jack passed away two years ago as of tomorrow. It was a traumatic day for me as it happened on the way out to a movie, very unexpectedly, and right in my arms. He was my everything! Over the course of the 8 yrs we dated he wrangled my independence from me as he was so old fashioned and insisted on taking care of me. I was, after so many years, completely dependent on him. We were only engaged, and secretly, as his youngest son had not quite accepted us as a couple. The day he passed plays out in my mind. It haunts me. Why didn't we live closer to a hospital? Why did it take so long for the EMT's to get to us? Why was I so panicked that I forgot our street address at first? Did I do the chest compressions hard enough? If I stayed calmer would I have been able to be more rational and maybe help him more? ALL POINTLESS CONCERNS! It all happened and can't be changed and I know I did the best that I possibly could have done. I just miss him so much and wonder if anything would have possibly been able to keep him alive. The funniest goofiest guy in person, but the most engaging cool fun and larger than lifer personality to everyone on the surface! He was huge in stature as well. So the loss of my best friend and other half still has me at a total loss. I have the hole of a giant man in my heart. One I know can not possibly ever be filled. It may eventually be patched, but there was only one man for me. He accepted everything about me, loved me despite my imperfections, worshiped the ground I walked on and made me laugh on a daily basis. Today i broke down after work thinking how proud he would be of all that I have accomplished over these last two years, which made me feel guilt or sadness because I did it without him. I have moved so far in my life from our happiness, and it made me feel sad and ashamed kind of. We were perfect and here I am so different and so changed that I hardly recognize my own life. All positive stuff, but growth made without the man I nested and planned on spending my forever with. It SUCKS feeling this way! I miss my love nugget and his extreme burritos every day! (extreme burrito is being tackled by a giant and held against your will so you can't move your limbs when you are having a bad day. Can't help but smile eventually haha) he was such a loving goof ball who literally worshiped me, and I him. I lived for tricking or scaring or pranking him. We both brought foolishness and happiness to each other daily! I will never fill that void his departure has created! He was my ONE?
  14. FB has those memories that pop up. 'This time last year' etc. it drives me nuts sometimes seeing how happy we were over the years
  15. Not doing great. It's never the same without my Jack! It's Ok to not always be positive!! Give yourself a break. You have gone through something awful. For attempting to be positive I think you are strong. I am just as strong. I still have a hard time today though.
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