A Question To Ponder

[WaltC]

The February 25th reading from Martha Hickman’s Healing After Loss gives us something to think about.

She writes that one of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves is to remember with delight the happy times that we shared with our loved one. She points out that we will know that we have passed a milestone in our journey of grief when we are able to do just that.

I haven’t reached that milestone yet. I still can’t join in the laughter or the lol’s and rotfl’s that I see in many grief chatrooms.

Martha asks a valid question:

“…which would your loved one rejoice in more – seeing you sad, or seeing you reveling in the memory of wonderful, hilarious times together?”

I know the "correct" answer, but why can’t I enjoy a good lol without feeling guilty or that I am somehow disrespecting her death?

My mind tells me its OK for others, but my heart still prevents me from joining in.

Maybe tomorrow, or next week or next month…….

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

Walt, You were on this site before I, but I don't know how long it has been for you on this sad journey. I know when I first found this site your writing helped me to choose to live one more day. I'm still not convinced that its the choice I want to make, to go on living without Larry. I think that something is wrong with me with some of the thoughts and feelings I have (for example a person on a widows group who send jokes all the time) I'm not judging but I know my thoughts are how can she do that, isn't she grieving. I have yet to bring myself to socialize, I just want to stay wrapped up in my memories. I'm sure Larry wants me to survive, but he would know that my heart so longs for him.

[kayc]

Deborah,

My husband died on Father's Day, and I think WaltC and Ustwo (Evelyn) went through their losses about a week before I did. I'm glad you're finding help on this site, that's one reason we're all here...to get help and give help. I know you find it very distasteful for someone who is grieving to joke, and I can really understand that, however, please remember that everyone copes in a different manner. My dad joked about everything and that is the legacy he left us, that when life gets unbearable, you try to joke and go on. I certainly don't feel like joking about losing my husband, it's no joking matter, and yet I know that that is how some people deal with the blows of life. I'm sure it makes you feel like bristling inside when you hear things that seem out of place, but try to pass it by and let it go, we all have so much to deal with, it's just very hard. If it bothers you enough, you might want to say something to the person, I'm sure they don't want to offend and perhaps it would call to their attention the need to be more sensitive to others. But most of all, keep expressing yourself, you're not out of line to feel as you do.