How To Help

[Guest Guest]

A former neighbor of mine lost her son to miscarriage about 2 weeks before the baby was due.

Apparently the lady is severely depressed, has withdrawn from friends and removed herself from all Church activities (lector, religious ed, etc.)

Any advice on how to offer help? Probably not something I would carry out, but can be passed on to people she may be open to receiving help from...

If I remember corerectly, this was not her first miscarriage.

[MartyT]

Dear Friend,

I commend you for seeking information on how best to offer help to your former neighbor who suffered a miscarriage. All too often such a death is trivialized by our society as an insignificant occurrence, which can leave your friend feeling very angry, isolated and alone. Her heartache may be misunderstood by others, which may give her the impression that it is inappropriate and even abnormal to be mourning the loss of her baby.

But the death of any baby is worthy of tears and grief, no matter what the age. And if your friend and her husband really wanted and planned for this child, she has lost much more than her baby. She’s lost all the hopes and dreams she may have had for her little one as well. She’s lost the opportunity to mother him, to hold him, to love him and to watch him grow up.

I sincerely hope that this woman has someone to talk to about this. Grieving is difficult enough without having to do it all alone. She needs to find someone who understands the process of grief as well as the trauma of a miscarriage. Sharing her feelings, reactions and experiences with another (her husband, a trusted friend or neighbor such as yourself, a bereavement counselor, someone on the Internet, a clergy person or in a support group comprised of other grieving parents) gives her a safe place to express herself, helps her understand that what she is feeling is normal, and may give her the hope that if others have found a way to survive a loss like this, then she will find her own way, too.

If this woman doesn’t have the energy to do so herself, on her behalf you might consider contacting your local hospice organization, mortuary, church or synagogue, or even your local library, and ask what bereavement counseling services are available in your own community. It’s also beneficial for your friend (or yourself, again on her behalf) to spend some time on the Internet, exploring many of the caring sites devoted to this important topic. Most of these sites have been developed by grieving parents whose feelings and experiences may be similar to this mother’s own. Many of them are listed on the Death of an Infant, Child, Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site. You might encourage your friend to visit these sites in particular:

Baby Steps

Bereaved Parents of the USA - Home Page

The Compassionate Friends: Grief Support after the Death of a Child

Hygeia Institute for Perinatal Loss

M.E.N.D. Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death

MISS - Mothers in Sympathy and Support

SHARE - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support

A Place to Remember: Resources Related to Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss

TX Moms of Tiny Angels

Another resource available to your neighbor is this very online Grief Healing Discussion Group. You can let her know that our Loss of a Child grief forum is available to her right here, at no cost, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and she is most welcome to participate.

I strongly believe that when you’re trying to help someone in grief, information is power. You might also be interested in some of the sites and resources I have listed on my site's Helping Someone Who Is Grieving page. I encourage you to access – and help your friend to find – the wealth of information that is available to you both. I hope you will think of it as the most precious gift you can give to this woman at this sad and difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T