Still In Shock

[Pandorasbox]

Hi, I'm new here. If you had told me, three weeks ago, that I would be here, today, I'd have told you that you were crazy, but, here I am.

Two weeks, and two days ago (February 12th) I lost my dad to an unexpected massive heart attack. He had had some heart troubles, in the past, but had stayed strong, through all of it, and was doing good. He'd just had an excellent check up, with his Cardiologist, in January.

This past year has already been extremely difficult, and painful, due to a horrific crime that happened to my own family. We're stuck in the middle of the whole court process, waiting for the accused (he's guilty, he's admitted it, just not to police) to finally be convicted. We still don't know if it's going to happen by way of a plea bargain, or through a trial, they keep giving continuance, after continuance.

I've handled myself as best as I can, am under a doctor's care, etc, but it's still been a difficult, and depressing 8 months, and now it's incredibly worse. While my parents were greatly affected by what happened to my family, my dad remained strong, when everyone else was falling apart, and he became my biggest source of support, and help, during this long, painful, process. He was especially helpful with caring for my 4 year old son, who is mentally retarded. My parents have always played a large role in all of my kids' lives, but since last summer, when all of this court stuff started, he and my youngest have spent a lot of time together, and they became very close. My son doesn't have the cognative ability to understand what happened, and it's probably only going to really sink in, for him, after some time without seeing grandpa. I have no clue how much time that will be.

I am my parents' only daughter, their youngest, by 9 years, and the only one who "stayed home". My oldest brother is deceased (suicide when I was 5, he was 18), and my other brothers all live out of state. I live 10-15 minutes from my childhood home, where now just my mom still lives, so they are/were a very intragal part of my entire life of 35 years.

I am still very much in a state of shock. Sometimes it's very real, and very painful, and others it's incredibly surreal, but still very painful. I miss him so much. I don't know how we're all going to re-form our lives around his absence.

I'm just......lost.

[LoriW]

Pandorasbox,

In some ways I know exactly how you feel....however, I am dealing with the added extra of a crime being committed against my family. Your Dad just died 2 weeks ago and it is still shocking....my Mom died of a massive heart attack 13 weeks ago tomorrow. It is still very hard to believe....especially since I just saw her 3 days before and she was fine.

My Mom's death has been difficult for me too. It's wierd but my mind still sometimes think she is "here". I have cried every single day since she died. I think about so many times throughout my day. It's very difficult and I have tried to be good to myself like you need to do for yourself. I too am the only daughter out of 3 children and the only one who has remained close geographically to my parents. I am the oldest and my next brother, who is 13 months younger, lives far and my youngest brother just recently went to jail for a crime. I am here to listen to my Dad and try and help him in any way I can. I think how painful this is for me and I am sure his pain is multiplied...they were married 44 years.

I know in time the pain will subside but I remember the day of her death so vividly and it was as if they day went on and on and on.....the longest day of my entire life. We will both be going through a lot of "firsts" this year and we have to let ourselves grieve and feel shock because it is all new to us. Tomorrow will be my first birthday without my Mom....it's been weighing on me heavily. So don't expect yourself to move on right away...especially now.

Hugs to you and your family.

[Pandorasbox]

Hi Lori,

Thanks for the reply, I greatly appreciate it!

I was a bit confused, at your first statement, though, are you also going through the process of dealing with a crime, or did you mean to say that you are not? Either way, having your youngest brother in jail has got to carry some similar feelings.

I can completely relate to what you've said, we really do seem to have quite a bit in common, and I'm certain I'll be in this stage/grieving process for quite some time.

We've already had a birthday to celebrate, since my dad's death - my daughter's, 1 week ago, today. It was SO hard, but we had to do it, for her, and for us. I can also relate to you helping your dad, as I am doing the same, with my mom, and will be doing much more so now that my oldest living brother is leaving to go back home, tomorrow. I'm really scared about how things are going to be "back to normal", as far as all the distant relatives being gone, and it just being "us", my family, and my mom. Two of my brothers will be back and forth, quite a bit, over the next year, the one who is leaving tomorrow is going to be back in 2-3 weeks, but anymore, that seems like a second away, as well as a lifetime away.

My mom is really up and down right now, but, she keeps talking about the future, which is a very positive sign, for me, but I don't know if/how long, that will last. Tomorrow night will be the first night that she's been alone, at home, since he died. I feel just awful for her, and wish there was more that I could do to help her, than I already am. Like your parents, mine were married for a long time, as well, 49 years. Their 50th anniversary would have been in June of this year. I'm already trying to figure out how we'll get my mom through that alright.

I am so sorry for your loss, and your pain. Hug your dad extra tight for me, the next time you see him, and I'll do the same with my mom.

Hugs to you, too, I hope your birthday is as happy as possible.

[LoriW]

Pandorasbox,

Sorry for the confusion. I meant I am not dealing with a crime against my family. Yes, my brother (the one in trouble) has always been a source of stress for our family especially my parents.

I know how you feel about your Mom. I remember when everyone left after my Mom's funeral....most live in other states and I stayed with my Dad an extra day...I live about 90 minutes away. It hurt to leave him yet I had to go home to my husband and children. Coming back for the first time after all the chaos had calmed was sad for me. I had stayed in that house several days when everyone was there but coming back with my girls knowing it was only my Dad (and I love him dearly) was hard. That's when it hit me about what he goes through constantly. The good thing is is that he too immediately started talking about the future and he actually got a job (he's 65...just turned last Saturday)so he has a purpose and something to do everyday.

This is what struck me. All the little things that made the kitchen in their house feel "homey" are gone and put on a shelf in the garage. My Mom's little personal touches...things that tell me I'm in my Mom's kitchen. I asked why very gently and he said he had to get rid of the clutter. Far from being cluttered was it, but it was decorated. Now it looks like someone is moving out. My daughters and I were waiting for my Dad to get some shoes on and we were sitting in the living room and it was quiet. The quiet that hurts your ears and I thought...."this is what my Dad deals with now, all the time". It hurts to write it but in a way I am not only grieving for the loss of my Mom but for his loss too. I hurt for him as well as myself and I don't understand why I have taken his loss on my shoulders. I guess it is the nurturing Mom in me. It sounds like this is happening to you too.

I have 2 girls and they loved their Gramma dearly. She adored them! My oldest is 9 and my youngest 6 and it saddens me that though they loved her I think my youngest may not retain many memories of my Mom so I am trying hard to keep stories fresh. I want them to remember that she loved them more than they could ever know and they were her pride and joy. I am sure you will do the same with your little boy.

Sorry for the confusion of my 1st post but I wanted to get it straight for you. Thanks for the well wishes and I will hug my Dad longer the next time I see him.

[cala]

Hi pandorasbox,

I am new here too. I read your post and it really touched me because, while I have not lost either parent yet, I just lost my Grandmother on Feb. 10th. I lived with her in a duplex above my parents. It is hard to think that just 3 days before she died, we were watching Larry King! It has been almost a month and I still can't go upstairs, except to get some clothes or something. It really just hurts to be around all of our stuff....And it breaks my heart that my Dad is hurting so much too. It just never seems to end, all these triggers, upstairs and down.

I also have had to deal with a terrible crime against my own family, although not at the same time as dealing with grief. That alone(dealing with a crime)is hard enough, and not enough people really truly understand it, at least in my experience. It is truly an emotional rollercoaster of its own, and then such a tragic loss for your family is really just terrible. My heart goes out to you and your family...

cala